K. R. Juzwin, Psy.D.
Trying to get at least 5000 READERS by Self-Injury Awareness Day March 1, 2014.
No one needs to be alone with their struggles. Please join us!
Lead your voice to an important cause: Self-injury awareness.This is a discussion site dedicated to helping people who struggle with self-destructive thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Especially for those struggling with self-injury, eating disorders, trauma/PTSD, hopelessness, and depression. The focus is to create a healthier lifestyle through support and connection. This is a place for hope for health and a way through to create something better.
Wednesday Challenge: Change
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Posted in binge, binging and purging, compulsive over exercise, Coping skills, coping with abuse, creating health, cutting, deliberate self harm, depression, Dissociation, dissociative, dissociative episode, Eating Disorder, emotional abuse, Emotional Turmoil, Grief and loss, hopelessness, incest, interpersonal violence, mindfulness, Nonsuicidal self-injury, Nonsuicidal Self-Injury, pattern recognition, peace, physical abuse, problem solving, purge, recovery from abuse, Recovery from self injury, Recovery from SI, Self-destructive behavior, Self-Destructive Behaviors, self-harm, self-harm and suicide, Self-injury, Self-Injury, self-mutilation, Sexual Abuse, SI, SI and suicide, Suicide, survivors, therapist, therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized, victim
Tagged abuse, angst, anguish, burning, complex trauma, creating health, Depression, dissociative episodes, eating disorders, emotional pain, emotional turmoil, flashbacks, Hopelessness, loneliness, loss, mental illness, mindfulness, motivation, pattern recognition, problem-solving, recovery, sadness, self-esteem, self-mutilation, therapy, thought of the day, tolerance, Wednesday Challenge
Wednesday Challenge: Perspective
It’s been…..a week. Whew. Not a complaint, an observation. This morning something struck me. It’s spring, theoretically anyway………..and a crisp 20 degrees. Most of the earth around me still rests, awaiting the notification to let the rest of its inhabitants know. And my challenge was presented in front of me in that moment. The challenge for me and those who follow this goal of wanting to change and create something different. Keep reading.
As I got into my car, I heard it, or them actually. The cranes. The magnificiant birds soaring upon the high air currents, following the promise of something they truly to their core, believed was there. Believed it so much that they left a safe known place and struggled, moving themselves, changing course, adapting their way, to get to that air current that just happens to be above me in the moment. Honking, calling, whatever noise they make, I don’t know exactly, but there they were, above me, changing and adapting and moving, and seemingly celebrating their course. I stood there entranced.
That was at least until a neighbors dog came out, barking, barking, barking. Yelling at the perceived threats, running around, like a maniac creature released from hell. Conquering it’s terroritory from those dastardly squirrels, leftover leaves, and maybe a starling or two. Bark bark bark!!!! Never taking a moment to be present, to see if there really was anything to be sooo mad and aggressive about, never seeing if there really was a threat. Never taking a moment to see if getting so worked up was necessary. It only knew that possibly something was there, but chose aggression, noise and reaction.
As I turned back from that distraction, the lovely birds were gone, aloft on a new current, moving ever more towards their next destination. And it hit me.
The challenge and the metaphors for mindful change, creating peace and health.
Metaphor 1. Today, I have to trust that the promise of something better is coming. That’s the metaphor of spring. Rebirth, new growth, opportunities, etc. Where I’m at, I can choose, psychologically, to hate it, fight it, or just allow something I have absolutely no control over, to happen. Give up investing in a battle, or complaint about something that has its own course. Spring, or the promise of spring, has no idea how it impacts me, AND I get to choose how I respond to that promise that is just dangling there outside my reach.
Metaphor 2. I can choose my perspective. I can choose to live today like that barking dog or the soaring crane. I can choose to continue to rally against perceived threats in the familiarity of my back yard, or I can soar with the air currents, adapting my course, following something that is truly mine.
The choice is mine, as it is yours. Your life is yours. You live with the consequences of your actions. You impact the world around you, maybe not in the way you think you do. You can choose to stay in your familiar known course, or move into your future in a different way, using a “flight” of faith and trusting that you have in you what you need, that you don’t have to do it alone, and that you will find your way because you are creating it.
Create peace today. Your perspective, each moment, your choice. 
peace, k
Posted in binge, binging and purging, compulsive over exercise, Coping skills, coping with abuse, creating health, cutting, deliberate self harm, depression, Dissociation, dissociative, dissociative episode, Eating Disorder, emotional abuse, Emotional Turmoil, Grief and loss, hopelessness, incest, interpersonal violence, mindfulness, Nonsuicidal self-injury, Nonsuicidal Self-Injury, pattern recognition, peace, physical abuse, problem solving, purge, recovery from abuse, Recovery from self injury, Recovery from SI, Self-destructive behavior, Self-Destructive Behaviors, self-harm, self-harm and suicide, Self-injury, Self-Injury, self-mutilation, Sexual Abuse, SH, SI, SI and suicide, Suicide, survivors, Trauma, Uncategorized, victim
Tagged abuse, anger, angst, anguish, burning, complex trauma, creating health, Depression, dissociation, dissociative episodes, eating disorders, emotional pain, emotional turmoil, flashbacks, grief, Hopelessness, hurt, mental illness, mindfulness, motivation, pain, pattern recognition, problem-solving, recovery, Self-destructive behaviors, self-esteem, stress, suicidal thinking, thought of the day, tolerance, tragedy, trauma, traumatized, Wednesday Challenge
Wednesday Challenge: Change
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Posted in binge, binging and purging, compulsive over exercise, Coping skills, coping with abuse, creating health, cutting, deliberate self harm, depression, Dissociation, dissociative, dissociative episode, Eating Disorder, emotional abuse, Emotional Turmoil, Grief and loss, interpersonal violence, mindfulness, Nonsuicidal self-injury, Nonsuicidal Self-Injury, pattern recognition, peace, problem solving, purge, recovery from abuse, Recovery from self injury, Recovery from SI, Self-destructive behavior, Self-Destructive Behaviors, self-harm, self-harm and suicide, Self-injury, Self-Injury, self-mutilation, Sexual Abuse, SH, SI, SI and suicide, Suicide, survivors, therapist, therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized, victim
Tagged abuse, angst, anguish, creating health, creating peace, Depression
Wednesday Challenge: Change
Change is difficult. The mere idea of possibly changing opens the door to such anticipation and fear of the unknown, that we can become frozen. The anticipation of what it might look like causes people who have survived and adatpted to so much, to forget their actual capacities and strengths. The thought of change can be so threatening that it causes people to regress and see the world through fear, apprehension, panic and terror. They would almost remain in the same moment over and over instead of stopping something that is quite insane, and maybe even unhealthy, just to keep things familiar.
Here is a thought…..what if instead of fear and moving to keep things uncomfortable, painful, stunting, unrewarding,…yet familiar…..you looked at the possibility that you are actually competent, able, capable, and adaptive? What if you were open to creating a different moment at this very moment? And then consider doing it again? And maybe again? What if you invested in yourself, your life, your future, and created a moment that lead to another moment that brought you something of your own creation?
We live life as though it is totally dictated to us, that our path from our history is the only path into our future destiny, and blindly follow it, as though every thing around us is just absolutely random and unpredictable. What if, despite the randomness, if we choose our own response? If we proactively managed ourselves with our desired outcome or goal in mind? If I want peace, I have to behave in a way that gets me to peace, circumnativating the chaos and toxicity of somethings in my life. My path, my future, my destiny is, now that I am willing to own it, is my own choosing.
For those of you reading this who struggle with being healthy, keeping yourself safe, using self-destructive thinking and behaviors to manage your feelings, maybe this is a thought for you to consider. Just consider, you don’t have to act on it. What if you were willing to let your feelings just run their course, and not drive you to act on them? To not respond to what you think is the random ugliness in the universe, but instead to think about your own authority to choose your reaction, your thinking, and ultimately choosing how to feel about something? Honoring yourself enough to think your way through the moment, honoring your own set of values and beliefs, and being willing to create a change that might be helpful to you in your own body, in own life, and on your own journey?
“Let us resolve to be masters, not the victims, of our history, controlling our own destiny without giving way to blind suspicions and emotions.” John F. Kennedy
If you want your world and your existance to be something other than it is in this moment, you can create it; if you are willing to even just begin to think differently, to consider other options. Changing the way you think about something can sometimes open the doors to something else. Slowly moving, taking in new information, considering it wisely, testing it out. One step at a time.
It’s your body, your life, your pace, your decision, yours…………………
While I certainly don’t own any rights to dictate anything to anybody else, I hope that if you are reading this you honor yourself, that your existance becomes thriving and richness.
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”
Mohandas K. Gandhi
No disrespect to Gandhi, he is brilliant; but I’d change this one little bit, “You must be the change you wish to see in your own life.”
Peace, kammie
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Posted in binge, binging and purging, compulsive over exercise, Coping skills, coping with abuse, creating health, cutting, deliberate self harm, depression, Dissociation, dissociative, dissociative episode, Eating Disorder, emotional abuse, Emotional Turmoil, Grief and loss, hopelessness, incest, interpersonal violence, mindfulness, Nonsuicidal self-injury, Nonsuicidal Self-Injury, pattern recognition, peace, physical abuse, problem solving, purge, recovery from abuse, Recovery from self injury, Recovery from SI, Self-destructive behavior, Self-Destructive Behaviors, self-harm, self-harm and suicide, Self-injury, Self-Injury, self-mutilation, Sexual Abuse, SH, SI and suicide, Suicide, survivors, Trauma, Uncategorized, victim
Tagged abuse, angst, anguish, creating health, Depression, dissociative episodes, drugs, emotional pain, emotional turmoil, flashbacks, grief, hopeless, loneliness, mindfulness, pattern recognition, problem-solving, Self-destructive behaviors, self-mutilation, suicidal thinking, therapy, thought of the day, traumatized, Wednesday Challenge
Wednesday Challenge: Know the words
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Posted in mindfulness
Wednesday Challenge: Know the words
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Posted in mindfulness
Wednesday Challenge: Know the words
Today driving in to work, I was singing, in my usual charmingly off-key and out of rhythm way, along with a song that I’ve sung along with for years. It dawned on me, that I didn’t know what the words were, have never known, yet I sing along, with my own “interpretation” or equally unarticulated mumbling meant to mean something. What were those words? What was the song even about? What was I singing. What did I mean? I have absolutely no idea.
How many times do I just sing along? I found out that one of the songs I was recently singing along so happily to was about date rape, which, FYI, I totally don’t support at all. But there I was…..la lalalalala…….We’ve all done it, sung along, gone along, through the motions, so aimlessly passing through time and space, looking like we are doing something. Now that I have some awareness, I just stop cold in my tracks and think about how I hum along….often mindlessly. So it dawned on me, how many times do we just go along with things that are bigger than this in our lives? How many times do we use words to participate in some conversation, or make some promise or some random comment just to “sing along” when we really don’t commit to the meaning or the true sense of what we are involved with in that situation? Without awareness, without conscious commitment to our actions, just flitting moment to moment, randomly going from one moment to the next?
I think this fits with why so many people struggle with “recovery”, what the heck does this truly mean? Do you know what ” recovery” means to you? Do you truly know, and have defined for yourself, what you are working so darn hard to attain or build or create for yourself? You might go to therapy and “talk” the good talk, but what do those words mean to you and what do they mean to your actual practice in your behavior??
So the challenge today is to KNOW THE WORDS, know what they mean, know what they mean in terms of your life, your actions and in the context of your goals and what you are trying to create. You can choose to be a person of meaningful words, articulated and thoughtful statements, leading to meaningful words.
Seriously, while I mourn that my path will never take me to American Idol or on stage for my singing, my words have meaning when I choose to use them that way, and when I choose to have my words, thoughts, deeds and emotions congruently pointed towards my goal. I am creating my life.
Sing your own tune, add your own rhythm, whatever, but KNOW THE WORDS, KNOW YOUR WORDS, afterall…..you are the author of the greatest story of your life.
What will your next line, your next paragraph, song, story or chapter be? Whatever words you use, make them yours, live them, bring them alive, stand on them, let them mean something. You are the author of the greatest story of your life.
peace, k
Posted in binge, binging and purging, compulsive over exercise, Coping skills, coping with abuse, creating health, cutting, deliberate self harm, depression, Dissociation, dissociative, dissociative episode, Eating Disorder, emotional abuse, Emotional Turmoil, Grief and loss, hopelessness, incest, interpersonal violence, mindfulness, Nonsuicidal self-injury, Nonsuicidal Self-Injury, pattern recognition, peace, physical abuse, problem solving, purge, recovery from abuse, Recovery from self injury, Recovery from SI, Self-destructive behavior, Self-Destructive Behaviors, self-harm, self-harm and suicide, Self-injury, Self-Injury, self-mutilation, Sexual Abuse, SH, SI, SI and suicide, Suicide, survivors, therapist, therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized, victim
Tagged abuse, anger, angst, anguish, burning, complex trauma, creating health, Depression, dissociation, dissociative episodes, drugs, eating disorders, emotional pain, emotional turmoil, flashbacks, grief, hopeless, Hopelessness, loneliness, mental illness, mindfulness, motivation, pattern recognition, problem-solving, recovery, sadness, self-mutilation, suicidal thinking, thought of the day, tolerance, traumatized, Wednesday Challenge
Wednesday Challenge: Turning down the noise
When my life gets fast, I notice it is in a large part,…. oh dear Lord….I can’t believe I’m saying this…..because of me, myself and I. Yup, maybe some of the speed and noise is of my own making.
Now, I think it is appropriate to recognize a couple of points:
1. Life is noisy, loud, and busy. Always moving forward with time.
2. I can’t always change or impact that path, but I can manage how I respond to it.
3. No matter how I manage myself in my relationship with my life, there will be consequences of my actions.
So with this being said, I have to be really clear with myself on what noise do I choose to hear? What do I choose to do with all that stimulation and noise? I can only manage what I can manage. To be completely honest, I bear responsibility for how I respond, how I manage and then what I do, and then how I feel about all of it. How I choose to filter all this will directly color my feelings and actions.
Some of the noise I have in my life is because of some loud clanging jerks, some of it is generated just through the motions of life. What I do with this is all mine.
This is my psychological position, recognizing that there are patterns, and there are options for how I manage myself. All to often, I think people just are on automatic pilot, acutely oblivious to the privilege of being aware and being present. They keep their heads down, content to listen to the same noise inside their head, unaware that much of it is on an internal loop playing over and over. They seem so surprised that the same day happens over and over. Always trying to be different while keeping things the exact same. This is the logic of self-destruction, use behaviors that have nothing to do with the original problem and use them to change our experience, connect, communicate or avoid. Yet there we are, right back where we started! We are soooo busy listening to the noise in our hearts and souls, the negative self-destructive voices trapped in our heads and don’t listen to the real data, the facts. Guess what, all that is NOISE!
So my challenge for tomorrow, is to recognize the pattern, recognize how I attend to and respond to the noise in my life. I’d rather manage it than be managed by it. Not that this will be easy, but I will stay focused on being present and constantly remind myself that it is my choice how I respond.
peace, k
Posted in binge, binging and purging, compulsive over exercise, Coping skills, coping with abuse, creating health, cutting, deliberate self harm, depression, Dissociation, dissociative, dissociative episode, Eating Disorder, emotional abuse, Emotional Turmoil, Grief and loss, hopelessness, incest, interpersonal violence, mindfulness, Nonsuicidal self-injury, Nonsuicidal Self-Injury, pattern recognition, peace, physical abuse, problem solving, purge, recovery from abuse, Recovery from self injury, Recovery from SI, Self-destructive behavior, Self-Destructive Behaviors, self-harm, self-harm and suicide, Self-injury, Self-Injury, self-mutilation, Sexual Abuse, SH, SI, SI and suicide, Suicide, survivors, Trauma, Uncategorized, victim
Tagged abuse, anger, angst, anguish, creating health, DBT, dissociative episodes, drugs, eating disorders, emotion, emotional pain, emotional turmoil, flashbacks, loneliness, mental illness, mindfulness, pattern recognition, recovery, Self-destructive behaviors, thought of the day, trauma
Wednesday Challenge: Simplicity
Todays challenge came in a flash to me. As I was mulling and writing in my head, it occurred to me how I tend to complicate things. Like most people, I run a million miles a day, answer to far too many masters, and allow myself to become part of dramas I’d rather avoid. Then, at the end of the day wonder why I am so exhausted, feel so empty and disconnected. Yesterday I read an article on line that just threw my whole day off, but will write about that later, and this morning as I continued to ruminate on it, I asked myself “hey, why are you still ongoing on about this?”
The response came pretty quickly, “because it flies in the face of everything I value and try to work towards in my life.” What came next was the flash for today.
Here is the challenge, simple and yet complex:
1. Know what I value today, it is my foundation.
2. Know what I commit to moving towards, this is my guide.
3. Evaluate anything that comes into or across my path, and if it interferes with or complicates it, I will a) manage what I have to; b) let go of what I absolutely don’t have to attend to, and c) choose whether or not to let it interfer with my emotions, thoughts, or actions, and self definition.
Today, I am choosing to not create my own drama, participate in that of others, and simply live my life congruent with my values. I will breathe, focus and keep my eye on creating simplicity and peace for myself. I’m choosing whether or not these things influence my self-definition, my foundation and my experience in the present moment. I take the responsibility for creating my own life experience in this moment. I encourage you to try the same if you so choose. Simplicity is in my own hands and mindset. Even if my life gets complicated in some of its moments, that won’t define me. How I respond, that is what I can manage and choose.
I choose how I respond. I choose what I invest in and make important. I choose how I respond emotionally. And most importantly, since I select what I value (emotionally, spiritually value), and I know what I am trying to create towards my future, I get to choose my reaction and subsequent reaction. We can let go of what we randomly choose to take in as fact, all those socially defined random definitions of “should” and “supposed to”, and instead choose our own path, choose our own definition of self and how we live our lives and define ourselves. We can stop warring, being resentful towards those external definitions, and just live with our own self. Living by our own values, choices, actions and feelings, accepting responsibility for our choices, our independent actions, moving towards our very own existence in this moment, each moving towards our own unique future. Have courage, it is your life. Stop complicating it with all this other noise, real or perceived pressure. You are unique, special, whatever……..you are you. That is enough. Be an amazing masterpiece being created each moment.
Simply stated, today I choose to keep my life simple. I unchoose complicating an already complicated human experience.
Think about if this fits you, and might help you quiet the war in your soul, accept the responsibility for definition of your moment, your day or yourself; it may cause you to think about what a wonderful masterpiece you are becoming, or take control of your own path today.
Create peace, k
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Posted in binge, binging and purging, compulsive over exercise, Coping skills, coping with abuse, creating health, cutting, deliberate self harm, depression, Dissociation, dissociative, dissociative episode, Eating Disorder, emotional abuse, Emotional Turmoil, Grief and loss, hopelessness, interpersonal violence, mindfulness, Nonsuicidal Self-Injury, pattern recognition, peace, physical abuse, problem solving, purge, recovery from abuse, Recovery from self injury, Recovery from SI, Self-destructive behavior, Self-Destructive Behaviors, self-harm, self-harm and suicide, Self-injury, Self-Injury, self-mutilation, Sexual Abuse, SI, SI and suicide, Suicide, survivors, Trauma, Uncategorized, victim
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Wednesday Challenge: Courage & knowing what you stand for…
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Posted in binge, binging and purging, compulsive over exercise, Coping skills, coping with abuse, creating health, cutting, deliberate self harm, depression, Dissociation, dissociative, dissociative episode, Eating Disorder, emotional abuse, Emotional Turmoil, Grief and loss, hopelessness, incest, interpersonal violence, mindfulness, Nonsuicidal self-injury, pattern recognition, peace, physical abuse, problem solving, purge, recovery from abuse, Recovery from self injury, Recovery from SI, Self-Destructive Behaviors, self-harm and suicide, Self-injury, Self-Injury, self-mutilation, Sexual Abuse, SH, SI, SI and suicide, Suicide, survivors, Trauma, Uncategorized
Tagged abuse, anger, angst, anguish, burning, complex trauma, creating health, Depression, dissociation, dissociative episodes, emotional pain, emotional turmoil, flashbacks, hopeless, Hopelessness, loneliness, mental illness, mindfulness, pattern recognition, problem-solving, PTSD, recovery, Self-destructive behaviors, self-esteem, self-mutilation, stress, suicidal thinking, thought of the day, tolerance, trauma, Wednesday Challenge
Wednesday Challenge: Courage & knowing what you stand for…
One topic that always seems to come up for people when they begin a process of change is that they want to “be” different and have “life” be different, without actually themselves “being” different. It seems the challenge is to change everything while changing nothing. Face it, change is certainly scarey just as a concept in and of itself. So borrowing from a wise Henry Ford, to that thinking, I offer the following….
Most people spend more time and energy going around problems than in trying to solve them. Henry Ford
We seem to re-create the same battles over and over and over again, fighting against ourselves, yet being enormously restless or unhappy. We re-create situations, or re-engage in them over and over, and yet wonder why we are so unhappy or unsuccessful. It is as if, one wonders, if the lot in life is to suffer. GUESS WHAT….although life is challenging, can be difficult, hard, sad, whatever….it can be incredible!!! YOU CAN MAKE IT SO. [Truly!] But it requires you to change your thinking, your movement, your behavior, the outcomes that might be yielded, your reactions to things, your path, you being different in the moment, changing the sequence.
Most of us agree, and get very disheartened in thinking out this, and the number of times there has been effort or attempt, with no results, or at least not the results they had hoped they would attain. This is hard and discouraging. You are stronger though, stronger and more resilient than you might give yourself credit for being. There are often some important ingredients that can be added to all that hard work: WILLINGNESS and COURAGE in the context of firmly planted feet (knowing what you stand for), pointed in a direction of your choosing (i.e., knowing what you are working towards, what you are wanting to create for yourself).
Willingness in this context means openess, flexibility and adaptiveness in the face of something that requires you to consider interrupting a pattern. Interrupting a pattern that no longer serves you a healthy or helpful purpose. Are you truly willing then, to consider, changing your thinking, reactions and ultimately your feelings, if it means that you can look at how being different means you are acting in line with what you are trying to accomplish for yourself? If you are truly unhappy, then consider interrupting the part of the pattern you can control. Yes, being different may cause the rest of the pattern to shift, but what if, just what if, the outcome was better? Healthier? And ultimately, you had a moment that had some quality of life that was different, but positive??? You would be responsible for that outcome. Decisions that you make, you get the responsibility for the outcome. Very powerful, taking ownership of your life and the patterns of movement you make!
Decide what you want, decide what you are willing to exchange for it. Establish your priorities and go to work. H. L. Hunt
Courage is something a bit different. Courage exists more than you give it credit for being inside of you. Most of us don’t know that, as we go about our days with our heads down, just trying to get through, wearing masks so no one knows how we really feel or are inside. Guess what, fear doesn’t mean failure. It isn’t even about the doubt, apprehension, or other distortions we run through our minds and souls like some truth carved in some universal stone. Those feelings should be cues to get into your head, to pay attention to your life, to review your intended destintion, and know something important is going on. The problem many humans have with feelings, is that they spend way too much time trying to numb them out or avoid them. They treat these experiences as reality, and define the value of their experiences based on these emotions. Emotions, while very real, are often pretty distorted, and we teach ourselves how to “feel” or “react” about things. Guess what?????? Emotions are real experiences, they have a beginning, middle and an end. The middle often sucks, and is more than not…inaccurately reflecting what is really happening. Emotions are cues to get into your head and to use information and fact to help you decide what to do next. What you do next should be based on two things identified above – should be based on what you know you stand for, and where you are trying to go.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. Ambrose Redmoon
So this week, the challenge focuses partly on creating a purpose for yourself. Doesn’t matter if it is for the day, the minute, the second, an instance even, just commit to a brief segment of your life, where you are willing to behave purposefully. What???? What are you saying here????? Yes, with purpose, with intention, with investment that is from you. You are, don’t forget, the most important person in your life. [Please don’t start questioning your value, your right, anything like that. Just accept it, you have worth and value and all that because you are you – you YOU you get the privilege of determining your course of your life.]
What is important to you? Really important, concepts, not tangible things. Do you value relationships, commitments, honesty (telling the truth to others), integrity (telling yourself the truth), healthy living, respect, serving a higher purpose, justice, fairness, honor…. Think about some foundational concepts around which you could build your foundation.
Pick something you want to stand for, something that defines you. Not something like “I have cute hair” or “I have nice freckles.” While these are certainly nice, they aren’t about your character. Your character is the fiber of your being, your structure, your framework. So you can think about concepts like, determined, well-intentioned, well-meaning, hopeful, courageous, strong, independent….. Got some in mind? Even if this is about who you are trying to become…IT COUNTS. When you have an idea about what you want to define you, and you know what you stand for, they go hand and hand. Then when you put that in action down a path towards something you want to create for your life….there is no stopping you. Even when you face challenges, even when others get in your way, there are obstacles, you will find your way through, over, under or around, because YOU know where you are going, what you stand for and what you are attempting to accomplish. Even when others tell you bad or negative things about you, it won’t matter, because you know your truth.
Think about a personal crest, like a family crest, and what yours would look like. What would say to the world, and remind yourself that you stand for and stand upon???
Lastly, pick one thing in your life that you are willing to move towards. That could be health, peace, happiness, sanity,….and then line these things up. Make a commitment to creating a moment, then two, then three…… Be wise in your thoughts. Understand the risks of change and the cost of being, or doing differently. It might be easier to not change. Or, what you are trying to change may truly not be yours to change. This means, I can’t change other people or certain parts of my life. But I can change how I think about it, how I react to it, and how I understand it or them.
You can change a moment. You can change the pattern of your own life, any time you choose. You have the opportunity to create a different outcome for yourself too. But the cycle begins with even thinking differently, looking at yourself differently.
If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. Henry David Thoreau
Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose, a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye. Mary Shelley
In absence of clearly defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily acts of trivia.
Author Unknown
Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want. Margaret Young
Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. Teddy Roosevelt
If you really want there to be change, consider being that change in your own life. Even if you begin to change your thinking, looking at opportunities to add richness, peace, health to your own life experience, just think about it.
Destiny is not a matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: it is not to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved. William Jennings Bryan
You are more powerful than you know. Your destiny is in part, standing on your decisions, actions, and thoughts. Make your path yours. Peace, k
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Posted in binge, binging and purging, compulsive over exercise, Coping skills, coping with abuse, creating health, cutting, deliberate self harm, dissociative, Eating Disorder, emotional abuse, Emotional Turmoil, Grief and loss, hopelessness, interpersonal violence, mindfulness, Nonsuicidal self-injury, Nonsuicidal Self-Injury, pattern recognition, peace, physical abuse, problem solving, purge, recovery from abuse, Recovery from self injury, Recovery from SI, Self-destructive behavior, Self-Destructive Behaviors, self-harm, self-harm and suicide, Self-injury, Self-Injury, self-mutilation, Sexual Abuse, SH, SI, SI and suicide, Suicide, survivors, therapist, therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized, victim
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Wednesday Challenge: Un-wagging the dog
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Wednesday Challenge: Un-wagging the dog
There is an old saying about “the tail wagging the dog” which, if I understand it correctly means that often time things get so busy or chaotic, that the action itself drives ones’ life, as compared to living a life that is mindful, focused and purposeful. That was my day yesterday, the perfect storm of the list I “had to” do, and those items I hadn’t done, and those demands for my time and attention. I’m sure this situation is pretty common for many of us. I went to bed very tired, having been wagged by my tail allllll day long! My reflection was that I didn’t want to be living my life sooo busy that I didn’t get to experience it fully or richly, or at the cost of being present with the people, places and things in it, or at the cost of not being present within myself in the moment. I didn’t want to be a person doing, I wanted to be a person BEING. But, I also have obligations, goals, responsibilities….. What happens when we loose our balance?? How does that happen so very quickly?
Here’s the dilemma, we live purposefully, creating a mindful path, which brings us opportunities, which creates movement, which can begin to pick up, and create a cycle that builds upon itself. So we roll along, and often it picks up speed, and can generate more speed, energy and demand to keep moving. Many people fall into this trap, and the chaos of real, perceived and self-imposed obligations which create chaos, which can create increasing internal intensity, and overwhelm. Which so many people then find themselves driven into negative, self-destructive or other self-defeating behaviors to manage that internal intensity and overwhelm. Notice the pattern? Notice the chaos, which then drives one to begin the “wag”, which both creates and maintains the pattern?
Whew………..The tail begins to wag the dog. We get up earlier, stay up later, work through lunch and breaks, have less time with family, cut corners, here, cut corners there….faster, faster, more externally focused and driven to meet a master, who is a beast of our making.
The reality is that sometimes, okay, most of the time, this is of my own doing. There is the truth. My schedule and obligations are not my master, the master of my life, my keeper, nor are my defining foundation. This is, to a larger control, of how I manage my obligations, my scheduling, my presence and involvement.
So what about this idea of being present and involved? This means being mindful and aware of my true goal of living in congruence with my foundational core values. This also means practicing, on a pretty regular basis, the foundational core values and creating moments in your life when this happens. Okay, I’m not perfect at this. My wagging tail gets me thrown off my own course because it is moving so darn fast, and my drive to finish the tasks on my list often keeps me so caught up in being goal driven that I forget to slow myself down and breathe, and ask what is it in this moment that I want to create for myself in my life? How do I manifest that in this moment? If I want to be healthier, then in this moment how do I do this??
Before we go on, stop judging yourself – I can just hear the groans of “I don’t deserve this”, and guess what – you can stop this self-defeating and constant negative evaluation yourself!!! Just stop with that, be kind, let it go, it isn’t helpful to you. Others who challenge your VALUE or WORTH perhaps shouldn’t be in your life at all. That “wag” pattern is not at all helpful, necessary, reasonable, respectful, necessary, appropriate, healthy or accurate. You have value as a human based on the fact that you exist. PERIOD, end of story. YOU determine the quality of your existence and YOU determine the way you respond to the world, to others, and live within your body, mind, and your world. And finally, YOU get to DEFINE yourself, a lovely fluid, ever evolving definition of a person in the process of evolving, growing and being and becoming YOU. The goal of your life is to be YOU, the privilege of being you is YOU get to live your life, with the benefits and consequences of your choices, and to create your life. You can impact your life, taking a psychological survivor position, can create a wonderfully full and amazing series of moments, which build into amazing days, weeks,….a lifetime.
I think this is not an all-or-not issue or practice. I think that it is important that I give myself a break from time to time, and know that I am not a victim of my own life. [Caveat here, there are things we don’t have control of, and it is important to understand that sometimes things are out of our control and crash into or insinuate themselves into our life, but we do have an option of how we respond to them]. That I have some obligations that I’ve choosen to take on, but in taking these on, I have an obligation to my own health and sanity too. It is my responsibility to balance my life and to know what I have goals about my physical well-being, managing my relationships with my internal world and relationships with the people, places and things in my life. It is my responsibility to be mindful about my choices and how I manage the obligations in my life. And, it is my responsibility to be my own advocate.
Two concepts here that are important in the managing my life that I have to keep in constant awareness to help me keep to my “true north”, keeping on my intended path towards being as healthy and living in congruence in my aspirational goals. They both fall under the idea of being mindful, aware and present as I live, and review my life’s choices and their outcomes, with honesty and integrity as the foundation of keeping me true to course.
Honesty is when I tell you, or someone else, the truth. Integrity is when I tell myself the truth. Which requires me to be compassionate, objective, fair, and data-driven in my feedback as I review my day as I wind-down from the day. I try to use this information then as focal points for the next day’s focus to keep in mind. Just picking that one thing to keep my mind on during the day keeps things managable. I think it is very difficult and overwhelming when we try to do do many changes at once, that is certainly discouraging to me. I try to be as compassionate with myself as I would be with anyone else.
So today Thursday, my focus is to just slow down and breathe, taking a moment to be present as I zip through my day. Yesterday, Wednesday, was sooo fast, it got away from me. For those of you who emailed or messaged me about missing this post, thank you for your encouragement and support! And, thank you for your grace in understanding the human moments which are common to us all.
The grace I give, to myself and to others, is the grace that comes back. I must have courage to be imperfect, to learn from my mistakes, and to step forward with my minds’eye focused on what I’d like to accomplish in my life while standing on my foundation. That foundation is my blueprint and map. When I’m too busy, I lose my footing. So, slowing down and breathing and centering myself, gives me an opportunity to regain my footing and stop the avalanche of craziness that my too-zealous tail wagging creates.
Create peace for yourself in a couple of moments today. If it seems you are too busy, it is okay to evaluate, and decide if these obligations are too much or too many. Guess what, you get to define this to some extent. The quality of your life, to a very large extent, is up to you. Today, the quality of my life is going to be calm and I am going to be present in my body, in my world and in my interactions with my world. I’m going to breathe and experience the breath as it enters my body and then exhale it gently out, letting go of that which is no longer necessary.
That’s my challenge today. A day late, and I’m okay with that, truly okay.
The self is not something that one finds. It’s something one creates. Thomas Szasz
The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.Joseph Campbell
All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact. William James
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Buddha
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Wednesday Challenge: Creating a New Opportunity
What if on this last day of the year, each of us decided to let go of that which is no longer useful to us? To see the opportunity for peaceful existence with our minds, bodies and souls? Our internal and external worlds co-existing in a way that created a peaceful place to exist and make healthy use of opportunities we create or are given? What if we stopped waging those internal wars, moved away from those external anchors that we allow, through our reactions and emotional ties, to weigh us down? What if we instead decided to be present in our own company? What if we decide to actually be a friend to ourself and were willing to value ourself?
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. Ralph Waldo Emerson
What if standing present in our own company we allowed ourselves to treat ourself with no less respect, compassion, concern or thoughtfulness than we would a true friend? What if we actually demonstrated respect enough that we actually honored our own body, mind and soul? That we hold ourselves accountable, gently and with respect, to actually being healthy and at peace with ourselves? This doesn’t mean that sometimes, if you are a kid, that your parents can’t give you directions, or provide consequences or limit what you want to do. It isn’t about doing what you want every single second of every single day, and getting what you want and never being challenged or disappointed. Each of has to learn to recognize real true limits in our lives, and treat those with respect and that they aren’t a challenge to our self-definition; and distinguish from those challenges to our existence or self-definition, such as abusiveness, bullying, or cruelty. These two are very different, but many people treat them as exactly the same. If you believe that you should be able to do whatever you want, whenever and however you want, and that other people should ‘respect’ that, then your thinking might very well be distorted. Sorry. But that isn’t what I’m talking about today. So, if your parent or your boss sets an expectation on you, that is probably an obligation in the relationship that is pretty reasonable. Stop warring with those. Actually, those moments might be an opportunity to demonstrate how competent, capable and able you are to handle such challenges.
The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is: that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won’t.
Henry Ward Beecher
If we did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves.
Thomas Edison
Ability is what you’re capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it. Lou
You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through. Rosalynn Smith Carter
In this moment, on the path to a new year, are you willing to review the last year for its lessons learned and then incorporate your wisdom to actually create a life you want and are willing to be a part of daily? What if you were willing to stop the war over this arbitrary idea of self-esteem (or lack thereof)? I watch people create these lives that cause all sorts of consequences for themselves, and they are truly surprised that things are really awful. Instead of looking at their own part of that ‘if I do X, then Y is going to happen’, they assume that the awfulness they created must be about ‘what a terrible person I am’. That fiction, that lie, will keep you going nowhere. If you are willing to look at the fact that very often you actually do have a choice of how you can CHOOSE to respond, and you can actually create a new path. In this moment are you willing to look yourself in the eye and say, “HEY YOU, YOU DESERVE BETTER FOR YOURSELF THAN YOU HAVE BEEN GIVING YOURSELF?”
Our plans miscarry because they have no aim. When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind. Seneca
Man is a goal seeking animal. His life only has meaning if he is reaching out and striving for his goals. Aristotle
Aristotle speaks of CREATING a meaningful life. YOU GET TO DO THIS TOO!! Creating meaning for your own life – wow that is something!!! Step by step. Each day a new opportunity, each evening an eve to another day, another opportunity to try something new. A new opportunity is given to us in each moment to create something special in our life and our own existence.
Great minds have purposes, others have dreams. Washington Irving
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.
Epictetus
What if, in the new year, you mindfully stayed present and you mindfully choose your words, actions and even your thoughts? I know, you might be thinking, “but my thoughts are automatic! I can’t stop them!!” Okay – but you can….wait a second, deep breath….YOU CAN CHOOSE HOW YOU RESPOND TO YOUR OWN THOUGHTS!!! You can choose to say to yourself, “wait a minute, calm down…let me think, if I want to create a [insert your goal here] then I need to [insert different action].” Look at them, recognize them, then decide how you want to manage them. They may not be truths, they may be lies you’ve been told, you’ve told yourself or distortions of the truth. What if your own voice was the one you allowed yourself to be your internal guide, the one that takes in many points of view, compares them to your values and your core foundational values and desired goal? Most of us are afraid of goal setting, not because of the goals, but because of fear of movement, fear of failure of attaining them, that someone (who we give power to their words) will laugh at us about them. Guess what….their truth does not have to be your truth. And, while we are on the topic of accountability…is your ‘truth’, the one you so diligently fight for, helpful to you? Are you your biggest bully?
Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved. William Jennings Bryan
“But it is soooooo hard!” Okay true. It is difficult. But, give yourself some credit, you do hard things all the time. You curse at yourself, you damage yourself, you defeat yourself, you [insert whatever the negative stuff you do here]. Face it, you defeat yourself very often because you are afraid of something OUT THERE beating you to it. All this challenge is asking you to do is to look at yourself as having the possibility of doing something that actually helps the pain in your heart, soul and body. Sounds so simple that I know it is really complicated. But we complicate things more than we need too huh?
People seldom see the halting and painful steps by which the most insignificant success is achieved. Anne Sullivan
Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. John Wooden
So simply stated, on this eve on a new year, let’s make it even easier, on this eve of a new day….
1. Know what you want for yourself in at least a general way. For example, I want to create peace in myself, or I want to recognize my negative automatic thoughts so I can make different choices, or even, I choose to nourish my mind, body and soul with healthy nourishment, I choose to treat myself with respect and dignity, which means I give myself permission to exist.
2. I will practice respect, compassion, willingness, honor, self-respect ….. etc. You know, so many of those things you treat others with (especially some of those people who don’t deserve it).
3. I will rise above those who aim at harming my name or my reputation. I don’t need to invest in those who have nothing but bad or evil intentions for me, or with those relationships where the rule is that I have to be unhealthy or self-destructive.
Without goals, and plans to reach them, you are like a ship that has set sail with no destination. Fitzhugh Dodson
I feel that the most important step in any major accomplishment is setting a specific goal. This enables you to keep your mind focused on your goal and off the many obstacles that will arise when you’re striving to do your best.
Kurt Thomas
Life’s up and downs provide windows of opportunity to determine your values and goals. Think of using all obstacles as stepping-stones to build the life you want. Marsha Sinetar
In this eve of a new day, seriously, think about holding yourself to a higher standard of being yourself. For heaven’s sake, be willing to allow yourself to have some direction or desired outcome that allow you to create a life for yourself that you are excited for and about and love!!!! (Catch that automatic – but I don’t deserve it! Notice you are the only one there saying it!!!) Let go of the wars you wage with the world. Let go of your fear of the external evaluations of others – most of whom you really don’t care about nor do they really know or honor you!!! Believe it or not, you have nothing to prove!! You, by virtue of your humanity, have value and you, by virtue of your humanity, have the privilege of creating yourself. Just one thing to thing about, please don’t create yourself in the form of warring against some externally imposed ‘standard’ of what you are ‘supposed’ to be. You are…supposed to be you, in process of being you every day of your existence. You get to change, grow, evolve, develop, through your creation, through your experiences, and evaluations of those experiences of fitting or not fitting for you. Be wise though, some choices and decisions, you can’t take back or undo.
It’s simply a matter of doing what you do best and not worrying about what the other fellow is going to do.
John R. Amos
There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.
Christopher Morley
Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.
William Feather
So, think about your thinking. Think about your actions. Identify your values. Give yourself permission to create a peaceful existence for yourself in your body, in your world. Yes, I know there is evil out there. I know there are people who bring hurt, pain, disappointment, and fear into our lives. Those who bully, shame, tell us lies about our “value”, using our pain to fuel their fire and power. AND….you my friend, can rise above it. The truth you allow yourself to believe, the truth you know, the respect you give yourself, the way you honor yourself and your life, is about you. Rise above the mess. Walk separate from those who are on a path that isn’t right for you. Don’t join groups where the rule is that you have to wage war against something, you have to be on the verge of self-destruction, or actively being self-destructive, in order to be a member of it.
Be the friend you want to have yourself, for yourself. On this eve of a new day:
1. Know what you want to create for yourself.
2. Honor that, respect it, and GO FOR IT!
3. Let the noise of the detractors fall into oblivion. Know those who care for and about you, from those who care more about themselves, or a negative cause (self-destruction, suicide, etc.).
4. If you are willing to have core values about what you believe you stand for, you have an idea of what you are trying to create, and you are willing to practice it, have courage and move in that direction.
5. Try a step at a time. Changing patterns is difficult. It is easier if you know why you are doing what you are doing. Be willing to keep trying when it is tough, when you trip up, and when it doesn’t momentarily work the way you intended.
6. On this eve of a new day, be willing to create yourself, be willing to treat yourself with respect and honor your own life, your own being and hold yourself on course with kindness, encouragement, accountability and honor.
In my experience, there is only one motivation, and that is desire. No reasons or principle contain it or stand against it. Jane Smiley
We would accomplish many more things if we did not think of them as impossible. C. Malesherbes
Throughout the centuries there were men who took first steps down new roads armed with nothing but their own vision. Ayn Rand
Strong lives are motivated by dynamic purposes. Kenneth Hildebrand
Create your life today, one that you own, the good and bad, the successes and challenges, the lessons learned. Embrace the moment, breathe it in. Honor your body as it is the vessel through which you interact with the world around you. Treat your thoughts with caution, skeptically examining them for truth. Know the values you stand on and for, that will give you a solid basis on which to stand to look at and examine the world. Respect your feelings and reactions as cues that something important is happening, but evaluate them for truth and authenticity. Treat yourself with respect, honor yourself, hold your head high. Accept that you are a person of value, and go create a moment of your own existence. Create a moment you value. Let go of the internal voices that aren’t helpful, let go of giving value to those people whose voices which are not helpful and are destructive in your life. Have a moment where you honor yourself. Then another. You are the author of your own life. You are the creator of the next thought, action and feeling you have every single second.
There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul.
Ella Wheeler Wilco
Don’t let go of your dreams. If you have determination and belief in your dreams, you will succeed in spite of your desire to let go.
Catherine Pulsifer
What will you allow yourself to become on the eve of this next moment? What opportunities will you take on and create for yourself? It is a gift you give yourself, a gift that will evolve with you. An opportunity is a gift each new moment brings us.
Create peace, k
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Wednesday Challenge: Permission
Lake Superior
Today I am focusing on permission. How does that topic fit into a discussion stream in a community focused on decreasing self-defeating or self-destructive thoughts, beliefs or actions? One issue so many people I talk with struggle with wrapping their heads around is this push and pull of being what they believe about themselves versuses what they think society is telling them or what they hear about themselves uttered by others, as though it is the truth. Standing in line has pretty clear cut rules, expectations and such. But what if we absorb this as a a rule for living, how disasterous it can be for us as humans? Hearing the directive “next” is appropriate for being in line at a coffee shop, but what happens when we blindly apply that philosophy in our lives.
Isn’t it interesting, how we often allow the words or actions of others to impact us or even define us? How we think we should own this, or be that, or dress like this person, or behave like this that or the other? I’m so tired of watching TV and not being able to tell the characters apart because they all look exactly the same? But how do they individuate or identify themselves? I know by some ridiculous behavior, self-destruction or something that sets them apart from the culturally defined lemming status (sorry I know that was last weeks topic!). Yet, we are modeled, and we create a demand for, these terrible examples of what we should be???? Truly is that you? You’d give up being yourself for that contrived ridiculuous charade of yourself? Please give yourself a different kind of permission.
But if you think for a moment, how often do you really think about what you are absorbing or taking in as truth? Think about it? So many of my conversations with teens or young adults are focused on their inner turmoil about how they will never be acceptd or be what they want to be; except, truth be told, they really don’t want to be a part of that other entity nor do they want to really give up who they are to be what they think that they should be as defined by something they don’t really like or accept themselves. They go to war with themselves, with others, with their own lives. If you only knew that if you were willing to give yourself permission to be you, you wouldn’t be impacted by people who truly don’t have a place or value to you, and you could unchoose caring about the noise they make!! Bullying only works if you allow it to emotionally impact you and you react to it. Trust me, empty words without proof or tangible evidence of truth, fall quickly by the wayside. What a great way to demonstrate the kind of people they are, but being yourself, and giving yourself permission to rise above the fray?
So….so many of us sit and live unhappily, and then choose to deal with that discomfort or pain in ways that doesn’t address the inner emptiness or inner discontent. Ok, pay attention here…..if you want your life to be different, you need to decide if you are willing to be yourself, disengage and let go of those arbitrary external definitions, and those awful internal arbitrary unkind, untruths you embrace to keep your current patterns and homeostasis. It may mean that you need to evaluate and take responsibility for the decisions you make about how you define yourself, what you say to yourself, and how you treat yourself. It may mean you need to face some hard truths about your own choices in how you manage yourself and your life. It means giving yourself permission to be yourself, but if you are not WILLING to be yourself, it doesn’t matter what is outside, what the culture dictates, but for heaven’s sake, stop warring with the world, with culture and most importantly, with yourself and your own body, mind and soul. This is a spiritual and mindset shift, which may result in some truly different behaviors.
Permission to be me? Permission to let go of the cultural influences I think I should be defining me? What??? Give myself permission? Giving myself permission is a spiritual thing? That I could be trying to understand where I could define my own spirituality and definition of being myself and being human, that is, having a real meaningful life experience, really crashes with the current culture. More importantly, having meaningful experiences as myself, comfortable in my own skin and creating an experience that I cherish and value my own self, my own opinions and my own being. Where my own opinions, thoughts and responses are fully owned by myself. Where I can take in others opinions and not see it as a threat to my own existance??? What a curious position to think about and possibly be open to accept….hummmm.
Permission to stop going around using the negative self-esteem value as a direction on your internal compass? Your own self-assigned value, is it really yours? Or have you absorbed what you think is reality? Do you spend time thinking about what you could do if you believed differently about yourself, and let go those distorted untruths and inaccurate unkind and unfair arbitrary definitions? Okay, here is a truth….most people actually spend more time thinking about themselves than they think about the world and others around them. Here is another truth, you were born with value, just because you were born!!!! It is a gift. What you do with that gift….once you become aware, and give yourself permission, is up to YOU. People who need to talk about you in negative ways are just wasting their time, they need to trash talk someone or something, and honestly neither care nor invest in their own empty chatter. They are more involved with the process of verbal vomit than they are with reality, and in doing so, believe they are elevating themselves. Yes, it is at your expense, but you know what, just because they utter it, spew it, or yell it, doesn’t make it true. Your rising above it is the only course, that means giving yourself permission to look yourself in the eye and to let it fall on deaf ears. Just because they say it, doesn’t mean it’s true.
People who know you and respect you will know the truth from the nontruth, and people who don’t matter to you, why do you care what they think? You can unchoose people too, and do that without warring, screaming, bullying or engaging with them. I’m surprised how many times in my past I’ve spent my hours trying to quell some drama of which really doesn’t even matter today in the scope of my life, and I don’t even remember the players. Most of them probably have no idea who I am either today, nor would they even remember or care about the angst they stirred up. There is always another drama brewing, it can play out loudly and in many acts, or it can die a quiet death after a brief run. What is the turning point of that decision? YOU. The permission you give yourself to decide if it defines you, if it is your truth, or just a noisy stupid and empty noise that has nothing to do with YOU. Your choice, your permission to create your own reality and your own culture and experience in it.
Another truth, give yourself permission to disagree with cultural influences and arbitrary definitions, just to let it go…without war, without fighting, without angst…just let go of things that don’t seem to fit. For example, many of the teens I meet are aghast that my cell phone is akin to an old rotrary phone. My contract has elapsed and I haven’t ….. gasp…..upgraded. Guess what? My smart phone is already smarter than I, so that’s all I need, a phone with skills and gifts that I am not ready for and currently live without just fine. It does the job, and that’s what I need. I won’t allow technology to rule my life. Does it make it easier? Yes, of course, but I give myself permission to be me using it as I need or define, not that other way around. My poor teens think I am sorely misguided and am a confused old lady. The reality is that I get to have eye contact, listen to a real voice, watch their lovely faces and their emotions and thoughts in a real human transaction. Sadly, I probably accept them more than they accept themselves, but that isn’t as important as their own ability to just have the courage to give themselves permission to be themselves.
My last truth statement, give yourself permission to let go of your own arbitrary definitions of your randomly assigned “value” or currently accepted defintion of “self-esteem” if you find yourself using that as a weapon. Deal with this fact YOU HAVE VALUE BECAUSE YOU EXIST, period. What you do with your existance is limited to a large extent by what you choose to do with your life. The war in your head, heart and soul, does that interfer with your life? When you allow those external definitions to define you, wow, how painful. People who truly accept you and want you to be healthy, are people who are moving in that direction too. They care about you as a person, and see you for who you could be and will help you get there. No games, no threats, no emotional blackmail or hostage holding, but they have healthy expectations, you’ve got to be healthy to be in this relationship, because I’ve got to be healthy too (that is a truth of healthy relationships).
Give yourself permission to let go of the war, to let go of the arbitrary external definitions, let go of the arbitrary negative self-definitions. Give yourself permission to live a life you create, and fill it with peace, acceptance and tolerance for yourself. You may find some spiritual awakening that it has been inside of you all along, and it will continue to evolve as you do.
Give yourself permission to be yourself without war, without defiance, without destruction, without self-destruction and without apology. But that comes with responsibility and obligation too, it means being willing to accept yourself and creating a life worth living as you define it.
Give yourself permission to shine, and to cast your light across time and distance. Move towards something greater than this moment, and give yourself permission to be in the process of becoming you.
Posted in binge, binging and purging, compulsive over exercise, Coping skills, coping with abuse, creating health, cutting, deliberate self harm, depression, Dissociation, dissociative episode, Eating Disorder, emotional abuse, Emotional Turmoil, Grief and loss, hopelessness, incest, interpersonal violence, mindfulness, Nonsuicidal self-injury, Nonsuicidal Self-Injury, pattern recognition, peace, physical abuse, problem solving, purge, recovery from abuse, Recovery from self injury, Recovery from SI, Self-destructive behavior, Self-Destructive Behaviors, self-harm, self-harm and suicide, Self-injury, Self-Injury, self-mutilation, Sexual Abuse, SH, SI, SI and suicide, Suicide, survivors, Trauma, Uncategorized, victim
Tagged abuse, anger, angst, burning, complex trauma, creating health, DBT, Depression, dissociation, dissociative episodes, drugs, eating disorders, emotion, emotional pain, emotional turmoil, flashbacks, grief, hopeless, hurt, loneliness, loss, mental illness, mindfulness, pain, pattern recognition, problem-solving, PTSD, Self-destructive behaviors, self-esteem, stress, thought of the day, tolerance, tragedy, trauma, traumatized
Wednesday Challenge: The Quandry of the Paradox and the Unique Lemming
This week I’ve been noticing the paradox, that which is inconsistent, absurd, contradictory or ironic. For example, the string of songs which played on the radio as I sat in grid-locked, snow bound traffic. Could have been anything, right? But what was playing? California Girls, Hot Town Summer in the City, and Cruel Summer. I only wish. Then a long stream of advertisements about how awful winter is and how we can’t wait for it to end, or for us to be somewhere else. Or, as I read a magazine (yes, a real paper magazine), with lovely recipes for a good old fashioned Christmas feast, with an add for quick weight loss supplements on the opposing page. Or the article about the clothing, make-up, jewelry and hair trends I should be following to be up with the trends, to be cool you know, so I’d could be an individualized and very unique lemming. UHMMMMMM. So much implied, suggested, and put in our faces about who we should be, what we should be, what we should do. How funny it is that we never seem satisfied with the moment, and who we are in it.
Almost mindlessly we take in information and some how or another pull that into some definition about ourselves. I wonder, as I sat there watching these beautiful snow flakes falling, the grey-white and stillness, with the radio off, listening to the silence around me, why it is that we live such paradoxical lives? To be constantly pushing and pulling, screaming for silence, rushing so we can have more free time, spending and acquiring to get more to be more satisfied, why being satisfied is not enough??? WHEW!!!! For a moment my head started to spin. No wonder we are faced with the dilemma of allowing ourselves to “just be enough.” To be enough without judgment, without evaluation, without comparison to some external comparison point. People often get stuck on “self-esteem” and will not try because of some arbitrary group of thoughts you’ve accepted as “truth” about yourself. Here’s a challenge, let it go. It’s not helpful, it’s not necessary, it’s not reasonable, it’s not realistic, it’s not based on reality or truth. You have value because you were born and because you exist. Deal with it. When you assign some sort of value or weight to some arbitrary concept, why would you allow yourself to participate in something so unhelpful and quite possibly not based in reality? That is lemming thinking – if I accept someone else’s truth as my own, is it costing me my own sanity and causing me great pain or distress??? Guess what? I’m not going to do this. I’m not going to engage in something akin to abuse. Not from others, and not from myself!
Don’t fight a battle if you don’t gain anything by winning. George S. Patton
I can not give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure – try to please everybody. Herbert Bayard Swope
The problem with lemmings, is that ultimately in their quest to be like all the others in their…..club? Flock? Herd? I don’t know what a group of lemmings is called, but let’s just randomly say, clicque…..Ok? The problem with lemmings is that in their quest to be like all the others in their clique, is that ultimately it destroys them. The cost of their blind acceptance of their life pattern is that they don’t see the paradox and the cost of the consequences of their choices. How many people have thrown themselves off the proverbial cliff because of their own perceptions of themselves, those arbitrary self-evaluations? Or because of the words or actions of others who are abusive, cruel or just plain mean? And while we remain basically as meaningless or marginal in their lives, thoughts of them, their words, deeds or behaviors towards us, CONSUME us? Sounds pretty self-abusive huh? Why would we choose to keep trying to change their minds or opinions of us? Why would be give our power away to someone who, quite frankly, is counting on our passiveness and acceptance of their cruelty for their own power?? Talk about a paradox!!!! What kind of insane pattern is this, and how is it helpful??? Guess what – it isn’t, and I’m participating in my own abusive cycle! It’s costing me, and they are becoming more powerful!!! Wait, the lead lemming moves towards the cliff, and needs all the followers to go with him. I don’t want to be a member of a group where my well-being is the cost of membership. That is the definition of…crazy!!!
I have become somewhat better at being aware of the paradoxes in my own life. I’m taking a meditation class, and struggle with the idea of just being present and not chattering in my head, just being in my body and in the momentary experience. I like the practice, but here is what we all find ourselves doing – being judgmental because we keep thinking and we keep judging about how poorly we are doing this!!! The paradox of judging ourselves about being ourselves and having our own experiences is really kind of ridiculous don’t you think? Here I am, just being me, in this moment – and instead of just letting my senses take in the experience – I JUDGE THAT I AM [enter really unhelpful, judgmental and self-defeating self-talk here].
While I really like my membership in the human race, I am willing to not be a lemming. It takes great courage to be an individual. I’ve had to mindfully practice being present and mindful without judgment or evaluation. But how does one do that? I think it has to do with just acceptance of who you are in the moment, followed by appreciation of being enough in that moment. The paradox of being then may actually lie in quiet of allowing the moment to just pass through you without acting, thinking, evaluating or judging it.
Lest we have a lemming moment, i.e., “but what if I never move again?” or “what if someone says I’m lazy?” There are a million of these very self-defeating, and often, programmed statements. Here’s my thought…let’s take this ironic moment to the next level? What if we were WILLING to not be a lemming, and actually value yourself for being you? Not for what you own, what you’re monetary income or holdings are, or the size of the house you live in, or your car, or your weight, or the number of very expensive clothing or jewelry items, but because you are willing to accept yourself? What if you were wiling to be present, eyes open, heart open, mind open, and accept yourself for you?
What if you accepted yourself, with all of your imperfections, limitations and your gifts, your strengths, your contributions and capacities? What if you just were yourself, and you gave yourself permission to not judge yourself? Sure you could still develop and evolve, but you’d be starting off on a footing of being fine the way you are in this moment. It takes courage to continue to grow and change, while accepting your humanity. What if you didn’t have to join the lemming pool? What if you walked your own path – without anger, resentment, rejection of others, hatred or disappointment towards everyone around you who might not “get” you? What if you accepted yourself, held your head high because you accepted your own self, warts and beauty – and led the way into your own life??
And what if in leading your own life, you created a path where you created yourself? Like a piece of artwork, or an incredible life story unique to you? And, regardless of what anyone else says, you don’t have to care or accept their words, because you accept yourself?? What if, you allowed yourself to enjoy your own company? You become the friend you want to be, and offered that companionship, compassion and connection to yourself? Then, if others decided to join up with you, you could decide if you would like them to walk with you or not?
The lemming needs others I imagine, mostly so that the distraction of the chaos in the crowds keeps the loneliness and fear away? To be honest, I long ago stopped trying to be friends with people who wanted to destroy me, my individuality, or erode my self-definition. Not that it is always easy. Darn my genetics, but I am a social creature. BUT, my social nature doesn’t mean I have to accept every invitation I’m offered. Why would anyone who has the capacity to think about it, be willing to be “friends” with people who really neither like nor respect me? Or who want me to be different than I am, or who encourage me to be self-destructive or defeating, or worse, hold me emotionally hostage because they refuse to be healthy and working towards their own well-being?
I listen to people talk about how they can only be friends with people who engage in self-destructive behaviors because “they get me!!” or because “they worry about me, and if I do bad, they’ll [injure or other self-destructive act].” Guess what???? THAT’S NOT FRIENDSHIP!!!!!!!!!!! That is being a part of the lemming clique; allowing others to dictate your self-definition and encouraging you to walk down a path that is truly not okay to go down, i.e., towards the cliff!!!!
So the challenge this week, is to be mindful of the paradox in situations in our lives, in our relationships with others and our relationship with ourselves. If I choose to be willing to be grounded, mindful and connected to my world, is my behavior, self-talk and have commitment to being healthy, am I consistent or congruent? Am I willing to grow or change because it is in my best interest, not because it is the popular lemming thing to do? Do I have the courage to invest in myself when I SEE a world holding out unrealistic standards, and ignore the fact the world is populated by these incredibly beautiful and imperfect creatures who look nothing like TV or magazines? What if I am willing to live in peace with the world around me? What if I am willing to let go of the self-imposed judgments and those of others about who or what they “think” I am? What if I made healthy decisions because they were important to me and consistent with what I want for myself? What if I am willing to exist in this world as myself, a wonderful example of me? An individual walking my own path, in my own direction, living the moment, eyes wide open, and aware of being…..me? See, challenging the paradox already!!!
Have a good week, challenge yourself, challenge your thinking, and accept the right, the privilege and responsibilty to be you. It works. I have a friend I greatly admire. In facing one of the toughest challenges of his life, he had to move from a very sick lemming flock, and join one that actually had high sights set on attaining something very valuable to him (he assigned the value as meaninful to himself). I watched him struggle with meeting the challenges. Never once did he allow himself to be tainted by the challenges and the moments that didn’t work out for him. When he hit the wall, he stood back and offered himself hope and compassion, just as though he were his own friend. He was a tough coach when he needed to be, a cheer-leader when necessary, but always a solid friend to himself. His mantra – find it inside of myself, don’t align with others who don’t share my quest for this goal or support me in the journey; but know that it is inside of me and I will fight for it, feed it, nuture it, and grow it. Never questioned his worth, his right to it, or what others told him about himself. No lemming here. Today, he is someone who I marvel in his mindset and psychological position, his decision to live congruently with his aspirations. I feel honored to know him and to know who he has become, while cherishing the incredible person he is in his core to begin with at the start. He was enough then, and more than ever in this moment. Who he will become ultimately is up to him. How cool we all get this privilege if we allow it!!
Whatever you are, be a good one.
Abraham Lincoln
Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you.
Wally “Famous” Amos
It’s simply a matter of doing what you do best and not worrying about what the other fellow is going to do.
John R. Amos
There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.
Christopher Morley
Posted in binge, binging and purging, compulsive over exercise, Coping skills, coping with abuse, creating health, cutting, deliberate self harm, depression, dissociative, Eating Disorder, emotional abuse, Emotional Turmoil, Grief and loss, hopelessness, mindfulness, Nonsuicidal self-injury, Nonsuicidal Self-Injury, pattern recognition, peace, problem solving, purge, recovery from abuse, Recovery from self injury, Recovery from SI, Self-destructive behavior, Self-Destructive Behaviors, self-harm, self-harm and suicide, Self-injury, Self-Injury, self-mutilation, SH, SI, SI and suicide, Suicide, survivors, Trauma, Uncategorized, victim
Tagged abuse, challenge, change, choice, Depression, growth, Health, hope, mindful, mindfulness, recovery, self-defeat, self-definition, self-destruction, self-harm, Self-injury, well-being
Wednesday Challenge: Relating to the Relationship
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Posted in mindfulness
Wednesday Challenge: Mindful Living & A Forum for Overcoming Self-Defeating Thoughts, Behaviors & Beliefs 
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