Wednesday Challenge: The Quandry of the Paradox and the Unique Lemming

This week I’ve been noticing the paradox, that which is inconsistent, absurd, contradictory or ironic.  For example, the string of songs which played on the radio as I sat in grid-locked, snow bound traffic.  Could have been anything, right?  But what was playing?  California Girls, Hot Town Summer in the City, and Cruel Summer.  I only wish. Then a long stream of advertisements about how awful winter is and how we can’t wait for it to end, or for us to be somewhere else. Or, as I read a magazine (yes, a real paper magazine), with lovely recipes for a good old fashioned Christmas feast, with an add for quick weight loss supplements on the opposing page.  Or the article about the clothing, make-up, jewelry and hair trends I should be following to be up with the trends, to be cool you know, so I’d could be an individualized and very unique lemming.  UHMMMMMM.  So much implied, suggested, and put in our faces about who we should be, what we should be, what we should do.  How funny it is that we never seem satisfied with the moment, and who we are in it. 

Almost mindlessly we take in information and some how or another pull that into some definition about ourselves.  I wonder, as I sat there watching these beautiful snow flakes falling, the grey-white and stillness, with the radio off, listening to the silence around me, why it is that we live such paradoxical lives?  To be constantly pushing and pulling, screaming for silence, rushing so we can have more free time, spending and acquiring to get more to be more satisfied, why being satisfied is not enough???  WHEW!!!! For a moment my head started to spin.  No wonder we are faced with the dilemma of allowing ourselves to “just be enough.”  To be enough without judgment, without evaluation, without comparison to some external comparison point.  People often get stuck on “self-esteem” and will not try because of some arbitrary group of thoughts you’ve accepted as “truth” about yourself.  Here’s a challenge, let it go.  It’s not helpful, it’s not necessary, it’s not reasonable, it’s not realistic, it’s not based on reality or truth.  You have value because you were born and because you exist.  Deal with it.  When you assign some sort of value or weight to some arbitrary concept, why would you allow yourself to participate in something so unhelpful and quite possibly not based in reality?  That is lemming thinking – if I accept someone else’s truth as my own, is it costing me my own sanity and causing me great pain or distress???  Guess what?  I’m not going to do this. I’m not going to engage in something akin to abuse.  Not from others, and not from myself!   

Don’t fight a battle if you don’t gain anything by winning. George S. Patton

I can not give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure – try to please everybody. Herbert Bayard Swope

The problem with lemmings, is that ultimately in their quest to be like all the others in their…..club? Flock? Herd?  I don’t know what a group of lemmings is called, but let’s just randomly say, clicque…..Ok?  The problem with lemmings is that in their quest to be like all the others in their clique, is that ultimately it destroys them.  The cost of their blind acceptance of their life pattern is that they don’t see the paradox and the cost of the consequences of their choices. How many people have thrown themselves off the proverbial cliff because of their own perceptions of themselves, those arbitrary self-evaluations? Or because of the words or actions of others who are abusive, cruel or just plain mean? And while we remain basically as meaningless or marginal in their lives, thoughts of them, their words, deeds or behaviors towards us, CONSUME us? Sounds pretty self-abusive huh? Why would we choose to keep trying to change their minds or opinions of us? Why would be give our power away to someone who, quite frankly, is counting on our passiveness and acceptance of their cruelty for their own power?? Talk about a paradox!!!! What kind of insane pattern is this, and how is it helpful??? Guess what – it isn’t, and I’m participating in my own abusive cycle! It’s costing me, and they are becoming more powerful!!! Wait, the lead lemming moves towards the cliff, and needs all the followers to go with him. I don’t want to be a member of a group where my well-being is the cost of membership. That is the definition of…crazy!!!

I have become somewhat better at being aware of the paradoxes in my own life.  I’m taking a meditation class, and struggle with the idea of just being present and not chattering in my head, just being in my body and in the momentary experience.  I like the practice, but here is what we all find ourselves doing – being judgmental because we keep thinking and we keep judging about how poorly we are doing this!!!  The paradox of judging ourselves about being ourselves and having our own experiences is really kind of ridiculous don’t you think?  Here I am, just being me, in this moment – and instead of just letting my senses take in the experience – I JUDGE THAT I AM [enter really unhelpful, judgmental and self-defeating self-talk here]. 

While I really like my membership in the human race, I am willing to not be a lemming.  It takes great courage to be an individual.  I’ve had to mindfully practice being present and mindful without judgment or evaluation.  But how does one do that?  I think it has to do with just acceptance of who you are in the moment, followed by appreciation of being enough in that moment.  The paradox of being then may actually lie in quiet of allowing the moment to just pass through you without acting, thinking, evaluating or judging it. 

Lest we have a lemming moment, i.e., “but what if I never move again?” or “what if someone says I’m lazy?”  There are a million of these very self-defeating, and often, programmed statements.  Here’s my thought…let’s take this ironic moment to the next level?  What if we were WILLING to not be a lemming, and actually value yourself for being you?  Not for what you own, what you’re monetary income or holdings are, or the size of the house you live in, or your car, or your weight, or the number of very expensive clothing or jewelry items, but because you are willing to accept yourself?  What if you were wiling to be present, eyes open, heart open, mind open, and accept yourself for you?

What if you accepted yourself, with all of your imperfections, limitations and your gifts, your strengths, your contributions and capacities?  What if you just were yourself, and you gave yourself permission to not judge yourself?  Sure you could still develop and evolve, but you’d be starting off on a footing of being fine the way you are in this moment.  It takes courage to continue to grow and change, while accepting your humanity.  What if you didn’t have to join the lemming pool?  What if you walked your own path – without anger, resentment, rejection of others, hatred or disappointment towards everyone around you who might not “get” you?  What if you accepted yourself, held your head high because you accepted your own self, warts and beauty – and led the way into your own life??

And what if in leading your own life, you created a path where you created yourself?  Like a piece of artwork, or an incredible life story unique to you?  And, regardless of what anyone else says, you don’t have to  care or accept their words, because you accept yourself??  What if, you allowed yourself to enjoy your own company?  You become the friend you want to be, and offered that companionship, compassion and connection to yourself?  Then, if others decided to join up with you, you could decide if you would like them to walk with you or not? 

The lemming needs others I imagine, mostly so that the distraction of the chaos in the crowds keeps the loneliness and fear away?  To be honest, I long ago stopped trying to be friends with people who wanted to destroy me, my individuality, or erode my self-definition.  Not that it is always easy.  Darn my genetics, but I am a social creature.  BUT, my social nature doesn’t mean I have to accept every invitation I’m offered.  Why would anyone who has the capacity to think about it, be willing to be “friends” with people who really neither like nor respect me?  Or who want me to be different than I am, or who encourage me to be self-destructive or defeating, or worse, hold me emotionally hostage because they refuse to be healthy and working towards their own well-being? 

I listen to people talk about how they can only be friends with people who engage in self-destructive behaviors because “they get me!!” or because “they worry about me, and if I do bad, they’ll [injure or other self-destructive act].”  Guess what???? THAT’S NOT FRIENDSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!  That is being a part of the lemming clique; allowing others to dictate your self-definition and encouraging you to walk down a path that is truly not okay to go down, i.e., towards the cliff!!!! 

So the challenge this week, is to be mindful of the paradox in situations in our lives, in our relationships with others and our relationship with ourselves.  If I choose to be willing to be grounded, mindful and connected to my world, is my behavior, self-talk and have commitment to being healthy, am I consistent or congruent? Am I willing to grow or change because it is in my best interest, not because it is the popular lemming thing to do?  Do I have the courage to invest in myself when I SEE a world holding out unrealistic standards, and ignore the fact the world is populated by these incredibly beautiful and imperfect creatures who look nothing like TV or magazines? What if I am willing to live in peace with the world around me? What if I am willing to let go of the self-imposed judgments and those of others about who or what they “think” I am? What if I made healthy decisions because they were important to me and consistent with what I want for myself? What if I am willing to exist in this world as myself, a wonderful example of me?  An individual walking my own path, in my own direction, living the moment, eyes wide open, and aware of being…..me?  See, challenging the paradox already!!!

Have a good week, challenge yourself, challenge your thinking, and accept the right, the privilege and responsibilty to be you. It works. I have a friend I greatly admire. In facing one of the toughest challenges of his life, he had to move from a very sick lemming flock, and join one that actually had high sights set on attaining something very valuable to him (he assigned the value as meaninful to himself). I watched him struggle with meeting the challenges. Never once did he allow himself to be tainted by the challenges and the moments that didn’t work out for him. When he hit the wall, he stood back and offered himself hope and compassion, just as though he were his own friend. He was a tough coach when he needed to be, a cheer-leader when necessary, but always a solid friend to himself. His mantra – find it inside of myself, don’t align with others who don’t share my quest for this goal or support me in the journey; but know that it is inside of me and I will fight for it, feed it, nuture it, and grow it. Never questioned his worth, his right to it, or what others told him about himself. No lemming here. Today, he is someone who I marvel in his mindset and psychological position, his decision to live congruently with his aspirations. I feel honored to know him and to know who he has become, while cherishing the incredible person he is in his core to begin with at the start. He was enough then, and more than ever in this moment. Who he will become ultimately is up to him. How cool we all get this privilege if we allow it!!

Whatever you are, be a good one.
Abraham Lincoln

Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you.
Wally “Famous” Amos

It’s simply a matter of doing what you do best and not worrying about what the other fellow is going to do.
John R. Amos

There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.
Christopher Morley