Wednesday Challenge: The Quandry of the Paradox and the Unique Lemming

This week I’ve been noticing the paradox, that which is inconsistent, absurd, contradictory or ironic.  For example, the string of songs which played on the radio as I sat in grid-locked, snow bound traffic.  Could have been anything, right?  But what was playing?  California Girls, Hot Town Summer in the City, and Cruel Summer.  I only wish. Then a long stream of advertisements about how awful winter is and how we can’t wait for it to end, or for us to be somewhere else. Or, as I read a magazine (yes, a real paper magazine), with lovely recipes for a good old fashioned Christmas feast, with an add for quick weight loss supplements on the opposing page.  Or the article about the clothing, make-up, jewelry and hair trends I should be following to be up with the trends, to be cool you know, so I’d could be an individualized and very unique lemming.  UHMMMMMM.  So much implied, suggested, and put in our faces about who we should be, what we should be, what we should do.  How funny it is that we never seem satisfied with the moment, and who we are in it. 

Almost mindlessly we take in information and some how or another pull that into some definition about ourselves.  I wonder, as I sat there watching these beautiful snow flakes falling, the grey-white and stillness, with the radio off, listening to the silence around me, why it is that we live such paradoxical lives?  To be constantly pushing and pulling, screaming for silence, rushing so we can have more free time, spending and acquiring to get more to be more satisfied, why being satisfied is not enough???  WHEW!!!! For a moment my head started to spin.  No wonder we are faced with the dilemma of allowing ourselves to “just be enough.”  To be enough without judgment, without evaluation, without comparison to some external comparison point.  People often get stuck on “self-esteem” and will not try because of some arbitrary group of thoughts you’ve accepted as “truth” about yourself.  Here’s a challenge, let it go.  It’s not helpful, it’s not necessary, it’s not reasonable, it’s not realistic, it’s not based on reality or truth.  You have value because you were born and because you exist.  Deal with it.  When you assign some sort of value or weight to some arbitrary concept, why would you allow yourself to participate in something so unhelpful and quite possibly not based in reality?  That is lemming thinking – if I accept someone else’s truth as my own, is it costing me my own sanity and causing me great pain or distress???  Guess what?  I’m not going to do this. I’m not going to engage in something akin to abuse.  Not from others, and not from myself!   

Don’t fight a battle if you don’t gain anything by winning. George S. Patton

I can not give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure – try to please everybody. Herbert Bayard Swope

The problem with lemmings, is that ultimately in their quest to be like all the others in their…..club? Flock? Herd?  I don’t know what a group of lemmings is called, but let’s just randomly say, clicque…..Ok?  The problem with lemmings is that in their quest to be like all the others in their clique, is that ultimately it destroys them.  The cost of their blind acceptance of their life pattern is that they don’t see the paradox and the cost of the consequences of their choices. How many people have thrown themselves off the proverbial cliff because of their own perceptions of themselves, those arbitrary self-evaluations? Or because of the words or actions of others who are abusive, cruel or just plain mean? And while we remain basically as meaningless or marginal in their lives, thoughts of them, their words, deeds or behaviors towards us, CONSUME us? Sounds pretty self-abusive huh? Why would we choose to keep trying to change their minds or opinions of us? Why would be give our power away to someone who, quite frankly, is counting on our passiveness and acceptance of their cruelty for their own power?? Talk about a paradox!!!! What kind of insane pattern is this, and how is it helpful??? Guess what – it isn’t, and I’m participating in my own abusive cycle! It’s costing me, and they are becoming more powerful!!! Wait, the lead lemming moves towards the cliff, and needs all the followers to go with him. I don’t want to be a member of a group where my well-being is the cost of membership. That is the definition of…crazy!!!

I have become somewhat better at being aware of the paradoxes in my own life.  I’m taking a meditation class, and struggle with the idea of just being present and not chattering in my head, just being in my body and in the momentary experience.  I like the practice, but here is what we all find ourselves doing – being judgmental because we keep thinking and we keep judging about how poorly we are doing this!!!  The paradox of judging ourselves about being ourselves and having our own experiences is really kind of ridiculous don’t you think?  Here I am, just being me, in this moment – and instead of just letting my senses take in the experience – I JUDGE THAT I AM [enter really unhelpful, judgmental and self-defeating self-talk here]. 

While I really like my membership in the human race, I am willing to not be a lemming.  It takes great courage to be an individual.  I’ve had to mindfully practice being present and mindful without judgment or evaluation.  But how does one do that?  I think it has to do with just acceptance of who you are in the moment, followed by appreciation of being enough in that moment.  The paradox of being then may actually lie in quiet of allowing the moment to just pass through you without acting, thinking, evaluating or judging it. 

Lest we have a lemming moment, i.e., “but what if I never move again?” or “what if someone says I’m lazy?”  There are a million of these very self-defeating, and often, programmed statements.  Here’s my thought…let’s take this ironic moment to the next level?  What if we were WILLING to not be a lemming, and actually value yourself for being you?  Not for what you own, what you’re monetary income or holdings are, or the size of the house you live in, or your car, or your weight, or the number of very expensive clothing or jewelry items, but because you are willing to accept yourself?  What if you were wiling to be present, eyes open, heart open, mind open, and accept yourself for you?

What if you accepted yourself, with all of your imperfections, limitations and your gifts, your strengths, your contributions and capacities?  What if you just were yourself, and you gave yourself permission to not judge yourself?  Sure you could still develop and evolve, but you’d be starting off on a footing of being fine the way you are in this moment.  It takes courage to continue to grow and change, while accepting your humanity.  What if you didn’t have to join the lemming pool?  What if you walked your own path – without anger, resentment, rejection of others, hatred or disappointment towards everyone around you who might not “get” you?  What if you accepted yourself, held your head high because you accepted your own self, warts and beauty – and led the way into your own life??

And what if in leading your own life, you created a path where you created yourself?  Like a piece of artwork, or an incredible life story unique to you?  And, regardless of what anyone else says, you don’t have to  care or accept their words, because you accept yourself??  What if, you allowed yourself to enjoy your own company?  You become the friend you want to be, and offered that companionship, compassion and connection to yourself?  Then, if others decided to join up with you, you could decide if you would like them to walk with you or not? 

The lemming needs others I imagine, mostly so that the distraction of the chaos in the crowds keeps the loneliness and fear away?  To be honest, I long ago stopped trying to be friends with people who wanted to destroy me, my individuality, or erode my self-definition.  Not that it is always easy.  Darn my genetics, but I am a social creature.  BUT, my social nature doesn’t mean I have to accept every invitation I’m offered.  Why would anyone who has the capacity to think about it, be willing to be “friends” with people who really neither like nor respect me?  Or who want me to be different than I am, or who encourage me to be self-destructive or defeating, or worse, hold me emotionally hostage because they refuse to be healthy and working towards their own well-being? 

I listen to people talk about how they can only be friends with people who engage in self-destructive behaviors because “they get me!!” or because “they worry about me, and if I do bad, they’ll [injure or other self-destructive act].”  Guess what???? THAT’S NOT FRIENDSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!  That is being a part of the lemming clique; allowing others to dictate your self-definition and encouraging you to walk down a path that is truly not okay to go down, i.e., towards the cliff!!!! 

So the challenge this week, is to be mindful of the paradox in situations in our lives, in our relationships with others and our relationship with ourselves.  If I choose to be willing to be grounded, mindful and connected to my world, is my behavior, self-talk and have commitment to being healthy, am I consistent or congruent? Am I willing to grow or change because it is in my best interest, not because it is the popular lemming thing to do?  Do I have the courage to invest in myself when I SEE a world holding out unrealistic standards, and ignore the fact the world is populated by these incredibly beautiful and imperfect creatures who look nothing like TV or magazines? What if I am willing to live in peace with the world around me? What if I am willing to let go of the self-imposed judgments and those of others about who or what they “think” I am? What if I made healthy decisions because they were important to me and consistent with what I want for myself? What if I am willing to exist in this world as myself, a wonderful example of me?  An individual walking my own path, in my own direction, living the moment, eyes wide open, and aware of being…..me?  See, challenging the paradox already!!!

Have a good week, challenge yourself, challenge your thinking, and accept the right, the privilege and responsibilty to be you. It works. I have a friend I greatly admire. In facing one of the toughest challenges of his life, he had to move from a very sick lemming flock, and join one that actually had high sights set on attaining something very valuable to him (he assigned the value as meaninful to himself). I watched him struggle with meeting the challenges. Never once did he allow himself to be tainted by the challenges and the moments that didn’t work out for him. When he hit the wall, he stood back and offered himself hope and compassion, just as though he were his own friend. He was a tough coach when he needed to be, a cheer-leader when necessary, but always a solid friend to himself. His mantra – find it inside of myself, don’t align with others who don’t share my quest for this goal or support me in the journey; but know that it is inside of me and I will fight for it, feed it, nuture it, and grow it. Never questioned his worth, his right to it, or what others told him about himself. No lemming here. Today, he is someone who I marvel in his mindset and psychological position, his decision to live congruently with his aspirations. I feel honored to know him and to know who he has become, while cherishing the incredible person he is in his core to begin with at the start. He was enough then, and more than ever in this moment. Who he will become ultimately is up to him. How cool we all get this privilege if we allow it!!

Whatever you are, be a good one.
Abraham Lincoln

Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you.
Wally “Famous” Amos

It’s simply a matter of doing what you do best and not worrying about what the other fellow is going to do.
John R. Amos

There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.
Christopher Morley

 

Wednesday Challenge: Simple Complexity

Hello. I had a great conversation with a young woman whom I adore, respect and cherish. What is so amazing about this person is her thinking about the world, herself and others. She struggles with the same challenges almost all of us struggle with daily – self-esteem, worth, control, “being enough.” Why mention this here and now? Well, because her conclusion was about how things can be so simple and so complicated at the same time.

Simple Complexity…uhmmmm, interesting. Simple. So much of what needs to be done if someone is trying to manage is actually, in and of itself, is simple. Perform these actions, do these skills, practice this behavior. DO DO DO….

The COMPLEX is when we sit with BEING – the after math of recognizing unhealthy patterns and interrupting them, and then living with the emotional intensity, which taps into feelings/emotions, taps into self-doubts, distorted thinking and belief systems. So the escalation and crashing begins.

So what hangs us up from making the shift to the behavior is not the behavior generally, it is about the complexities of the established thoughts, attitudes, beliefs and core definintions which are constantly challenged. The challenges to our core belief systems taps into our insecurities, fears, and sense of control (or lack thereof).

I wonder, if you truly challenged your core beliefs, and recognized and accepted that (much) of your self-talk is based on distorted reality, and you let go of some of responsibility for things that truly weren’t yours or were out of your control – and you may experience – GRIEVING – GRIEF – SADNESS – ANGER – HURT – RAGE…..all human experiences.

Self-destruction acts are handy distractors, but the downside is that the result of behaving self-destructively is actually an emotional reaction, which feeds the distorted reality and belief system. In some cases, the past merges into the present. The cycle grows.

Are you willing to have, to allow yourself that moment of simple complexity, where in your DOING, you allow yourself to BE. You give up judgement, you recognize the automatic dislogic as you engage in it – and challenge it!

1. Yes, ask yourself how is your thinking, your belief system, your set of “definitions” helpful, appropriate, accurate, responsible, reasonable.
2. Next ask yoursel if, IF, if you are willing to let go of being judgmental, harsh, unkind, disrespectful, or unreasonable.
3. Are you willing to allow yourself to grieve, to heal, to mourn, to be mad, to have human emotions and experiences, and let them pass through?
4. Are you willing to recognize that some of the responsibilities you assume you are responsible for, are really, maybe, about other people too? If you loved someone and they left – maybe there was something about them too. If being involved in a relationship where the rules were YOU needed to be unhealthy, and they left, is is reasonable to stay in that relationship at such a cost to you?
5. Are you willing to give yourself a bit of credit – and are you willing to interrupt when you find yourself on the cycle of self-doubt, self-criticism and negative self-appraisals? Are you willing to look at yourself and JUST ACCEPT that you are enough? No value statements, just accept you as you are BEING.
6. Are you willing to JUST BE, to give yourself grace, and just be HUMAN?

I’ve been working with people for a long time, and a couple of things I can tell you that my patients have taught me –
1. No one ever imploded or exploded from dealing with the core emotions and pain. It can just really suck (clinical term here!)
2. No one ever evaporated from crying the pain, rage, hurt, fear or disappointment as it passed through their tear ducts.
3. Anxiety often is more about unrealistic fears and ghosts than real threats. So the fear is often not only not necessary, but is not reasonable in the context of the current moment.
4. Self-injury, eating disorders, self-abuse, high risk behaviors, never solved the problem that caused the pain, hurt, anxiety, loneliness or fear.
5. The real problem is often much easier than people are afraid of in their head.
6. You all ready survived the worst. You can live today, incorporating the wounds from the past, and be stronger because of the way you choose to manage yourself and your life.

If you have emotions, I say, welcome to the human race.
If you are afraid that you aren’t enough, believe it or not, welcome to the human race.
If you are afraid of being alone, welcome to the human race.
If you are willing to treat yourself with the respect and grace you give others, welcome to recovery and healing.
If you are willing to recognize your negative self-talk as distorted and not helpful, you create respect.
If you are willing to walk forward despite your fear, welcome to the human race and the creation of hope.
I hope you will walk with your face in the sun, and allow yourself to BE.
That is simple complexity.
For one moment, or two if you are willing to be courageous, are you willing to BE you with all of your glorious humanity?

That is your challenge: For one moment, or two if you are willing to be courageous, are you willing to BE you with all of your glorious humanity? Willing to recognize that you don’t have to accept negative and judgmental statements and self-evaluations, and acknowledge that those statements are not necessary or helpful and not in line with your desired goal of being healthy and living in a healthy manner?

Have courage, be human. You are greater than you know. BE yourself. Simple complexity. Peace – k

Wednesday Challenge: A New Day

Greetings. A new year, a new month, a new week, a new day, a new moment. Whew. Let’s keep it simple and straightforward here. Most of us run into the new year, dashing desparately from the old one, with high hopes, unrealistic goals and aspirations; which, when they crumble, we blame ourselves for the dismal outcome. OK – THINK IT THROUGH. People who choose to make unhealthy, self-destructive decisions and actions generally act on feelings and distorted thoughts (which ironically produce more distorted feelings and reactions, which drive the distored responses, driving……agggghhhhhh….and the past merges into the present). We act without thinking and without using a foundation and a goal in sight. We wonder why we get lost and why life “feels” so random. If you spend your life reacting and emotionally reactive – you will create your own cycle…..and the past merges into the present.

Life is a series of choice points of decisions. When you make one decision, you move to the next choice point. When you know why you are doing what you are doing, and where you are hoping to go; then, you might be surprised how a lifestyle is formed. People often say they’ve tried something but it doesn’t work for them and ‘things’ go back to the baseline. Yes, that will happen, not because of some random event, but because of choices not made, opportunities not taken, and effort that is directed not in the direction towards change.

If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.

If you fall, get up. Keep your eye on your goal, and get up.
If you get knocked over, get up.
If you get frustrated, scared, angry, sad,……., acknowledge it, and….get up and get on.
You had a bad past, you hurt…., nourish, care for and respect yourself in the present.
You are mourning, acknowledge it, and nourish, care for and respect yourself in the present, and get on.
You hurt or are wounded,….respect your wounds, allow healing.
You have things to say,….use your words, your art, your mind, your soul…….and respect your body. Keep your eye on your health, your sanity, the peace you seek so intently.
ACT AS IF YOU ARE GOING SOMEWHERE………..BECAUSE YOU ARE EVERY MOMENT.
Where you are, is it where you want to be in this moment?
What power do you have, in this moment?
What choice do you have, in this moment?
Do your actions match where are wanting to go, do they match what you are trying to create?
Decide.
Act.
Choose.
If you fall, get up.
Decide.
Act.
Choose.
You can choose to be a student of yourself, a student of the moment.
In this moment, you decide who you are.
You are more than pain, more than angst, more than sorrow.
You are more powerful than you know.

Well, this is a new moment, and today’s challenge is to make decisions that are:
1. Appropriate – I will make decisions based on what is actually appropriate for someone who is moving towards being healthy, sane, and creating peace. My opposite choice is to choose to make inappropriate decisions and then live with those consequences.
2. Accurate – I will make choices that are based on reality; and are data-driven, based on the present information. Otherwise, my decision will likely be inaccurate.
3. Healthy – I choose health. I unchoose unhealthy options. Otherwise, my decisions will lead me to making unhealthy decisions, which move me away from what I say I want. More importantly, away from what I need.
4. Necessary – I will make decisions I need to make so that I am making healthy choices. Otherwise, my choices may be unnecessary, keeping me in an unhealthy cycle.
5. Realistic – I choose making realistic decisions, goals and options. Otherwise, my decisions might be unrealistic, and attainable. I choose to not work against myself.
6. Reasonable – I choose to make reasonable decisions, take reasonable steps towards my desired outcomes. I unchoose making unreasonable decisions, living with unreasonable rules, and creating a patterns that doesn’t reasonable help me create health.

SO, my friends, here is your challenge: IF YOU WERE WILLING JUST ONCE TODAY:
1. Identify what you are trying to create for your life (the big mega goal – which should be first and foremost present)
2. Identify what you are willing to do for that goal, IN THIS MOMENT
3. Be willing to act congruently (in line with) that goal
4. Respect, honor, and nourish your body, mind and soul
5. Act with integrity (honesty with yourself) – Seriously, if you are going to act, own it. If you are unhappy with things in your life, what part do you own that you can say is your part? Do you participate in the patterns? Do you act to recognize the patterns? Can you interrupt them?
6. Be willing to tolerate the emotional intensity, while acting with respect, compassion, dignity, kindness?
7. Think before you act

In this moment, are you willing to create one step? Who knows, maybe you’ll be willing to try another decision, then another. If you fall, keep your eye on your goal, and get up.

Create peace in a moment today that is based on a healthy choice. Choose peace, respect and honor for even a moment today – k

If you were willing……….

Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose-a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye. Mary Shelley

This is an out of sequence CHALLENGE, but maybe thought provoking as we enter a new year. Are you willing to create something different? Every moment, every day is an opportunity to create something different or to relive the past experiences. Here is the issue, if you are constantly reliving the past, you are doing it out of sequence, and the past becomes merged into the present. So the past, which you’ve experienced and survived is over, and today you are living in the present, within the context of the past (which doesn’t exist any longer). Many times people do this because of the emotional turmoil they are experiencing and haven’t resolved, they may not be ready to grieve it or to change it. So the present goes on, each day merging past and present. In reality, you may be living with the effects of the past, but living in the present.

The war becomes waged on your body, in your mind, spirit and soul. Self-destructive behaviors, eating disorders, injury, substance abuse, risky behaviors, acting out sexually, and a million other ways……..how are these behaviors AT ALL functional to you in the long run? Have you become your own aggressor, and the one who bares the cost of your actions? You may not realize the cost to your healthy loved ones, trust me, the unhealthy ones need you to remain unhealthy to keep the balance in their world. But your life is not theirs, YOU OWN YOUR OWN LIFE. YOU. You can live it like you are alive, or choose to recreate patterns that cost you more than they are worth. YOU. YOUR CHOICE. But whatever choice you make, realize the consequences of that choice may not move you towards what you really are hoping to create. Surprise….some things, not all, are NOT RANDOM. When you wage war on yourself, the cost is going to not bring you to what you want to create for yourself. And, none of this BS about how you aren’t worth it…..that is a distorted thought and one of the most unkind lies you can tell yourself. You have worth. Period. You have worth….how you choose to define that is up to you. I’d encourage you to think about what you are WILLING to become…….

Sadly, as Henry Ford once said: Most people spend more time and energy going around problems than in trying to solve them. When I read this, I thought, “gosh, its like he knows me!” I try to remind myself of this and challenge myself to meet challenges head on, even if I don’t like them or am scared of it. But, if I want something to be different – I HAVE TO BE THE DIFFERENCE in my own life. Ugggh..such responsibility!

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl

Self-destructive behaviors, whatever the form, seem to provide some form of immediate solace or relief, but in the long run just foster the ongoing pain and anguish. At some level, you know this. If you are someone who engages in self-destructive thinking, feeling and action, you know this. You may not however acknowledge the depth of trouble it is causing you, or acknowledge that you have options that you may not take. Ouch, sorry, that sounds so harsh, I don’t mean to be insulting. “But it is so hard to change!” is what I hear a lot, and my response is “ABSOLUTELY!!!” it is hard to change. Honestly though, could it be any harder that what you are doing already, every day, just barely surviving, constantly triggered, hopeless or living with emotional turmoil, dreading tomorrow?

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. Helen Keller

I have to wonder if we do that with sadness, angst, anger, rage, grief, …………………….too………

To reach a port, we must sail—Sail, not tie at anchor—Sail, not drift.
Franklin Roosevelt

Seriously, if you were willing to take ownership and live in this moment today, would you consider it? Would you move towards something else you’ve defined that you want/need in your life?

In absence of clearly defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily acts of trivia.Author Unknown

Here is the challenge as we move into the new day and new year, ARE YOU WILLING TO CREATE SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR YOURSELF?

It is not enough to take steps which may some day lead to a goal; each step must be itself a goal and a step likewise.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

1. If you were willing to challenge a distorted thought (just one), for an entire day, what would that thought be?
What thought would you put in its place? Would you be willing to use a data driven observation, would you be willing to assess if the thought was appropriate, accurate, healthy, necessary, reasonable and/or responsible?
2. If you were willing to challenge an unhealthy act (just one), for an entire day, what act would you challenge?
Would you be willing to use practice, EVEN IF IT DIDN’T BRING YOU IMMEDIATE RELIEF, would you be willing to practice healthy self-soothing or coping behavior was appropriate, accurate, healthy, necessary, reasonable and/or responsible instead?
Would you be willing to sit with uncomfortable feelings, knowing that the FEELINGS CAN’T HURT YOU, ONLY THE ACTIONS YOU ENGAGE IN CAN ACTUALLY CAUSE HARM?
3. If you were willing, would you consider the option to challenge the pattern of automatic thoughtsfeelingsbehaviors, where could you interrupt that pattern?
Would you be willing to recognize the pattern and be willing to interrupt it, perhaps changing just one moment? Maybe two? And, then practice this over and over?
4. If you were willing, would you treat yourself with dignity, respect, integrity, honest, kindness, compassion, patience, tolerance? What might that moment look like? Would you be willing to consider the grace of creating peace towards yourself?
5. If you were willing, would you be courageous, and try something new? This is an opportunity to create something new. Are you willing?
Lastly, if you were willing, would you please share what you are willing to try? Would you be willing to teach us from your experiences, the wisdom or lessons learned?

I’d like to share some thoughts, not my own, but some important thoughts that might help provide a focus, comfort and strength:

We think too small. Like the frog at the bottom of the well. He thinks the sky is only as big as the top of the well. If he surfaced, he would have an entirely different view.
Mao Tse-Tung

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them – every day begin the task anew.
Saint Francis De Sales

In the midst of winter, I found there was within me an invincible summer. Albert Careb

Take calculated risks.
That is quite different from being rash.
George S. Patton

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle

There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying things which are beyond the power of our will. Epictetus

Change can either challenge or threaten us. Your beliefs pave your way to success or block you. Marsha Sinetar

When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.
Barbara J. Winter

Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him. Aldous Huxley

Don’t fight a battle if you don’t gain anything by winning. George S. Patton I put this here because I’d like to ask you if you are consistently fighting with something in your past and now in your present, is the cost of that action greater than the potential shift in your attitudes and beliefs? Is your self-destructiveness REALLY (REALLY?) helping you to face your life and the challenges in the PRESENT?

People seldom see the halting and painful steps by which the most insignificant success is achieved. Anne Sullivan

Make a step……..change this moment. A step, a step, another step……..a habit is changed…..a lifestyle begins.

It begins with you and your next choice. What are you willing to become?

Thank you for your wisdom here, I hope you create peace and health in your life……k

Wednesday Challenge: Focus & Hope

Wednesday Challenge: Focus on what is important

Hello everyone. This week, as we lead into the holidays themselves, you have the opportunity to merge past and present, be emotionally overwhelmed, or to have to be in situations you’d rather not have be in, or you can choose something else. Your choice, it is your choice. So, the challenge is about keeping focused, focused on what you are trying to create for yourself in specifically in your present moment today and in your life in general. Actually, I wanted to write to keep it SIMPLE and FOCUSED and values-based, but that seemed wordy. So here goes….This idea is really important, know where you are going and why it is important for you to create this?

Sometimes life is very challenging, and sometimes the emotional turmoil can be pretty overwhelming. This can become an open invitation to engage in any of the self-destructive behaviors and patterns we know so well, to behave irresponsibly and disrespectfully towards our body, mind and soul. The problem is now you’ve become part of the problem, as the primary form of neglect, abuse or harm is coming at you by your own action. Honestly, you don’t have to live like that if you (YOU) decide to change some aspect of your practices, your world and self view, and be willing to create something different. Many of the people I work with have no idea what they are trying to accomplish, except to make things different than they are feeling in the moment. Here is one aspect of the problem, they want things to be different, without changing anything.

Last week, and a couple of times since I’ve started this blog, I’ve emphasized the importance of creating your present moment, responding to the present moment – and separating out the past. I’ve also encouraged my readers to take ownership over their own thoughts and feelings, and to own the consequences of their own actions. That’s right, for good or bad, own your choices. I think though, without focus on what is important, knowing why you are doing what you are doing, and clearly be connected to your present, aware of the need to treat yourself with respect and (lastly) where you are going (whew..), ; it is easy to lose your way. Being driven by the past that doesn’t exist in this moment or by your feelings is certainly a way to re-abuse yourself and cause your life to feel random when in fact it isn’t. So, let’s recap before I move on:

How to lose your way:
1. Don’t have a focus on what is important
2. Don’t know why you are doing what you are doing
3. Be disconnected, often merging thoughts with feelings, letting feelings dictate reality; AND don’t be present in your body in the moment
4. Don’t treat the relationship with your mind, body or soul with respect, dignity, compassion, honor or integrity
5. Don’t have any clue what you are trying to reach

Likewise, how to find your way:
1. Identify and focus on what is important
2. Know why you are doing what you are doing – how is it helpful, appropriate, healthy, necessary, responsible, and/or reasonable
3. Use data as information to help you define your present reality; feelings are cues that tell you that something important is going on, and you need to get into your thinking and problem solve your way through your experience
4. Treat the relationship with your mind, body and soul with respect, dignity, compassion, honor, integrity, kindness, fairness, openness, tolerance, patience, grace, responsibility, accountability
5. Know what you are trying to reach, and WHY it is important to you.

OK, that being said, this challenge is actually very direct and to the point today. Often we make decisions based on how we FEEL, not based on what we are trying to create. This may happen because of habit, unwillingness to accept responsibility or accountability, because of fear….or any of a gazillibillitrillionmillion other reasons (that’s a lot of 0’s!). With this focus on what is important, it is also necessary to build recover on a foundation. Many people can’t define their foundation, and have no idea what values, life rules or working principles they use to function. Life seems awfully random like this, always reacting to whatever is there.

Here is the challenge:
1. Create a list about what is important to you, what are you going to be willing to focus on and move towards? This is an overarching focus, such as physical health.
2. Why is this important to you? How is this focus helpful? Appropriate? Necessary? Responsible? Reasonable?
3. Identify what specific data you are going to use to become grounded and connected. Plan to manage your emotions and your thoughts when you might be challenged or overwhelmed.
4. Be WILLING to treat yourself with respect, dignity, compassion, honor, integrity, kindness, fairness, openness, tolerance, patience, grace, responsibility and accountability. This is typically where people push back – but here is my thought – until you are willing WILLING (yes, WILLING) to treat yourself with elements of these descriptors, you will find a way to justify, rationalize and condone taking a psychological victim position, and you will consistently choose being symptomatic over creating healthy self-management.
5. What are you ultimately trying to reach? What are you trying to create?

Tomorrow, and throughout the week, go through these questions.
Create a list of values, practice living as if that value were true for you.
Know what you are trying to accomplish.
Practice, especially if you are doing something different, applying those values to yourself.
Act in congruence with the values and your focused, desired outcome.

Lastly, I hope each of you create a moment (at least one moment) of clarity, peace, hope and happiness for yourself. You can’t stay the same and be different.

Live your life, embrace that which you love and those you love, treat yourself with respect. Be willing to give yourself a moment of health and well-being.

I hope for you that you create Safety, Security and Physical Well-Being in each moment.

Please write and let me know how this is working for you.
Blessings to you, k

Wednesday Challenge: Gratitude & Presence

Today I had an experience a Ground Hog Day moment. You know the movie, the character has the same day over and over and over, and it isn’t until he changed one action that the days became different. You see, today started, much like any other day, played out as much like any other day as any other, with the same interactions with the same people doing the same thing. But something was different – ME and what I did in the moment. I recognized a pattern, and decided that I couldn’t change anything but my reaction to it.

I say this because so many people I work with get caught in this cycle, and it becomes the definition of their existence. Then the hopelessness, self-destruction, self-injury, restricting, over-exercising, emotional turmoil, frustration, devastation all get reinforced because that is all they allow in. It becomes all they allow themselves to see. They commit themselves to having the same relationships with others and themselves day in and day out. Some choose moment by moment to be disconnected, to dissociate and try to numb out or harm themselves to feel alive. Totally disconnected from each moment, having the same moment repeatedly. Ground Hog Day.

So instead of being hurt, frustrated or angered through the interactions with a particular relationship I have to deal with on a daily basis, I decided TO HAVE GRATITUDE in the moment. Wow….I was grateful for the opportunity to really be challenged to act as I always encourage my clients, my students, and my children to behave. An opportunity to not engage, or mud-wrestle with pigs as the metaphor goes, and instead to keep my eye firmly planted on my goal of creating peace. So when the individual really took some nasty swipes at me, I reacted differently and their words just fell into the middle of the space between us, and I said “hum.” That’s it. I was grateful I got an opportunity to demonstrate to myself that I wasn’t going to participate in crazy-making, proving that I was whatever I felt I might need to prove myself to be. None of those destructive undermining personalization types of thoughts. Just, “hum” as my response. No backing down, no explanations, no nothing. With that, I gave the individual nothing, not even a second thought, and I moved on. I was grateful I left that interaction intact and present; my day went on.

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
Albert Einstein

I’m not sure why I picked this saying by Einstein, but I think it sort of fits. I’m grateful that in that interaction, I was present and connected. Was I having an interaction with a mediocre mind? If I engaged in that interaction, was I being the mediocre mind? What did I want to accomplish? Well….I wanted to leave the interaction intact, peaceful, unfazed by chaos or pettiness. So I couldn’t behave or react using a mediocre or petty mind. I wouldn’t engage in a battle where I had absolutely nothing to gain. I choose not to possess a mediocre mind as my present state.

Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose–
a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye.
Mary Shelley

I think what helped, was that I was fully connected to my purpose, steadily gazing on my goal of not engaging in mud-wrestling, not having to prove anything to anyone. Further, why engage in power struggles?The best way to “win” a power struggle is to not engage in it. It is soooo exhausting to have to constantly struggle in a battle over something you have nothing to gain by fighting for, or with an enemy or other combatant who isn’t worth defeating. Why would I give away my power or piece of mind, or state of peace and connectedness, to someone who doesn’t care about me and only cares about “winning”? Honestly, if your goal is to defeat me, you’ve got way way (way) too much time on your hands, don’t have much else to invest your energies in. What is the gain by purposely striving to defeat me? That is what I wondered, and as I suggest to you, I moved into that psychological survivor position, got grounded and connected, set my eye on my goal and UNCHOSE being affected by this individual. No judgment on them, but fully aware that I could in fact, choose my reactions, beliefs and state of mind. I choose gratitude.

Life can be pulled by goals just as surely as it can be pushed by drives.
Viktor Frankl

You see, I don’t want to give up the peace of mind I’ve created for any reason. My goals move me in the direction of being constructive, involved, moving towards gratitude, peace and connectedness. I am blessed with friends, family,coworkers & colleagues, neighbors, students, peers, and pets (can’t forget them!), who nourish and support me daily. My patients who taught me how to understand their world, how to talk with them, walk with them through their experiences, and taught me tenacity, courage and challenged my endurance. What incredible blessings. They are part of the reason I am so driven, they nurture, encourage and support me in my efforts and my investments. When I take my eye off off what I’ve been so blessed to create, I give away my own authority, power, and ultimately undermine my blessings. Trust me, every night I count my blessings.

To reach a port, we must sail—Sail, not tie at anchor—Sail, not drift.
Franklin Roosevelt

So my goal is gratitude for the opportunities, gratitude for the challenges, gratitude for the challenges I face and overcome; gratitude for the challenges I struggle with, and those who I can ask for help from in meeting, defeating, overcoming or need support regarding. I am grateful I have courage to take risks and for the richness I’ve created in my life because of them.

It is not enough to take steps which may some day lead to a goal; each step must be itself a goal and a step likewise.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

So, for each of you, take your gratitude inventory. I hope you will put each other on it, your contributions create something for you, but also for all those who read your wisdom. Over 3000 hits!!! The wisdom you offer is amazing. You have no idea how powerful your words are and your comments suggest the gratitude you experience for the experience and being received and supported. You are on my gratitude list.

Some of you fear or cringe around your birthdays, holidays and celebrations. We’re into the holiday season.

Here is your Wednesday Challenge: be grateful for what you have brought into your life that is moving you towards your goals and your desired healthy lifestyle. Be grateful for your efforts, your thoughts, your wisdom. Rise above the mediocre minds, unchoose allowing them to impact you. How often do you let hopelessness, impulsivity, self-destruction, emotional turmoil or chaos ruin your present? How often does you past merge into and collide with your present? This leaves you like that character on Ground Hog Day, having the same day and experiences over and over and over – and then you wonder why “life” sucks? What has to be different – is your approach, your reactions, your thinking, the management of your present. You in the moment. That is why your values and desired goals are so important – if you don’t know where you are going how will you know when you’ve gotten there, gotten close to there or what you need to get there? You my friend, can start with knowing and owning your goals, then changing one moment then another to move yourself towards that goal. What can you take with you? GRATITUDE, the opportunity to try something new, and gratitude to do it!!! You have this moment to create something new, of your own making, something that is constructive, brillian, owned by you. Be grateful and present in the creation of you in this moment.

You are more powerful than you know. Be grateful, be present, accept that you can take risks and soar.

Like water, be gentle and strong. Be gentle enough to follow the natural paths of the earth, and strong enough to rise up and reshape the world. Brenda Peterson

May your day tomorrow be full of gratitude, strength and courage. Please let us know your thoughts, your experiences. I’d be grateful for the lessons. Peace – k

Wednesday Challenge: Reality Testing & Data Gathering

There is an objective reality out there, but we view it through the spectacles of our beliefs, attitudes, and values. ~David G. Myers, Social Psychology

Today’s challenge centers on how we use reality checks and gather information. Often when people are overwhelmed, struggling with emotional turmoil, we get hopeless, despondent, desperate. Self-destructiveness seems “logical” and negative patterns get reinforced. All those negative behaviors, self-injury, destructiveness, eating disorders, substance abuse, dissociation build and create a reality inside our heads and limiting our relationship with the world, our life and with people we truly care about and want connection. When we are fatigued and tired, we tend to withdraw into emotionally driven logic and memory, and consequently, we might not be engaged in taking in information LOGICALLY and IN THE PRESENT.

We talk a lot here about merging the past and present, recreating patterns from the past into the present; distorting and blurring our interactions through the lens of the past. If we have had experiences with someone who hurt us, these lens color how we see other people, leading us to expect that this person is also a threat. This is a common human experience, when fear and anxiety have been so primed to try to keep us intact or alive. Here’s the problem though:
1. WE GET CAUGHT IN THE HABIT OF NOT TAKING IN NEW INFORMATION
2. WE REACT OUT OF HABIT, NOT CONNECTED TO CURRENT REALITY
3. OUR INTERACTIONS, WHICH ARE REALLY THEN OCCURING INSIDE OUR MIND AND NOT CONNECTED TO THE REAL RELATIONSHIPS IN THE PRESENT, SEEM OUT OF SYNC, AND THEN WE WONDER WHY WE DON’T SEEM TO FIT IN OR GET IT.
4. WE TEND TO SEEK PEOPLE WHO REINFORCE AND FIT OUR MISPERCEPTIONS AND MISBELIEFS, THUS RECREATING THE CYCLE
5. WE THEN BLAME OURSELVES WHEN THINGS IN THE PRESENT FALL APART, AND JUDGE OURSELVES INACCURATELY

So the pattern continues, and our world gets narrower and narrower. We become less and less tolerant of any emotional experience. Driven by fear and anxiety, negative self-judgments, hopelessness grows in such fertile ground.

An error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation, nor does truth become error because nobody sees it. ~Mahatma Gandhi

Now………..before you wonder what the HELL I’m going on about, it is actually fairly simple: GETTING GROUNDED AND CONNECTED IN THE PRESENT MOMENT ALLOWS YOU TO LOOK AROUND AND TEST OUT REALITY IN THE PRESENT. By doing this, you can use the past as a reference point, but not as the dictator or definition of truth in the moment.

If someone hurts you, it is REASONABLE to take in that information, and make an assessment about their INAPPROPRIATE behavior and decide IF it is reasonable to have a relationship with them or for you to define how you will manage that relationship (my scorpion on a leash metaphor).

We think too small. Like the frog at the bottom of the well. He thinks the sky is only as big as the top of the well. If he surfaced, he would have an entirely different view.
Mao Tse-Tung

If someone lies to you, manipulates you, bullies you, that behavior IS DATA!!!! It is REASONABLE to move away from relating to them personally, allowing them close enough to impact you emotionally. You can unchoose relationships, or at least emotionally connecting to relationships, where YOU assess that they are dangerous or unsafe for you to be engaged in.

How reluctantly the mind consents to reality! ~Norman Douglas

Now an interesting conversation arose this week with a client I was seeing. She made a statement about how her former husband verbally goes on and on (and on), talking trash, verbally intimidating her, saying things about her she is afraid others will believe. The crazy making in this relationship was so apparent. But where this exploitive predator-like beast was SOOOO slick was that he sensed her distress, and turned it back on her. Wasn’t he being kind, wasn’t he being responsible, wasn’t he being appropriate, blah blah blah? Because she was caught up in the emotions, especially fear well learned from previous experience WITH HIM, she froze. Right away, trying to be polite and avoid conflict. And of course, where did he go with it all? “See kids your mom is nuts, she’s the sick one, she’s…………………” And sadly, this compromised her grasp on her own well-being and healthy outlook.

I love this quote by Abraham Lincoln, it speaks to what I am talking about here:
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg. ~Abraham Lincoln

How often do we by into these distortions? Hey face it the guy in the example above (while I’ve not formally assessed him), I think it is fair enough to say – if it looks like poop, acts like poop, stinks like poop, and has indeed been poopy for a while, IS ACTUALLY POOP. Calling it a rose, a duck, fertilizer…………whatever, in reality it is poop. HER LENS CAUSED HER TO SHIFT AWAY FROM RECOGNIZING A BIG WALKING BAG OF POOP, AND QUESTION WHAT SHE ALWAYS QUESTIONS – HER SANITY AND ACCURACY OF HER PERCEPTIONS.

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. Albert Einstein

Here’s the rub – I bet all of you reading this are thinking very unpleasant things about this poopy individual. THAT IS CALLED DATA GATHERING, if she chooses to ask people she has judged as being objective, fair, trustworthy for their opinion or thoughts. Just like you don’t want to by sushi from just any street vendor, you want to be wise in your decisions (especially with raw fish).

REALITY TESTING is when you honestly check out your perceptions with those you judge trustworthy. You compare your automatic thoughts and perceptions with your gut cues and feelings. Remember FEELINGS AREN’T FACTS, they are cues to get into your head and test out reality and gather data. IT IS DONE WITH WISDOM, NOT WITH EMOTION.

My last point to this lovely lady was about giving credibility of her thoughts, her opinion, psychological position, respect, dignity, and sense of self to a big poopy bully!!!! WHY??? Because she was oriented towards a past relationship, interacting through her fear and emotion, and this bully hit her where she is the most vulnerable – her self definition and her tenuous grasp on feeling sane!!

Bullying only works when the victim is governed by fear, is willing to let that individual dictate reality, and when the victim of the bully buys what the bully is saying as true. So now, lets move to a lovely statement by William James, where his position is that wisdom is knowing what not to attend to, what to in fact ignore or not give credibility!!! Some sources of our angst don’t deserve that much investment!!!
The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook.
William James

Someone I don’t know called me a bitch the other day, I guess I was in their space some how. Well now, I may be bitchy, or even a bitch, but guess what – when I did my reality check – it would seem that my behavior was actually pretty appropriate and socially reasonable. I had to unchoose giving that persons words credibility, and therefore overlook them.

So, in order to avoid giving away our sanity, we need to do reality checking and data gathering; we need to think and evaluate, not respond randomly to information in the present.

So here we are in the present, but what anchors us???? Our goals, our values, our desired outcomes. When you know what you are trying to accomplish, when you know what matters, what you value, when you respect yourself, honor yourself, willing to treat yourself with dignity, your path becomes clearer.

In absence of clearly defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily acts of trivia.
Author Unknown

Don’t be trivial, your sanity and well-being is so important. Don’t trivialize yourself. Use your data and reality checks with people who have earned your respect and trust.

Here is your CHALLENGE – pay attention, check out your automatic reactions, and then do some reality testing and data gathering WITH SAFE PEOPLE. Be willing and open to considering something different and new.
Peace be with you, k

Weekend Challenge: Being Present

This has been a week of both turmoil and chaos and incredible connection, rewards and bliss. It began with trying to get work obligations addressed, and then preparation and leaving at 8p on Tuesday, and leaving, taking over an hour, ONCE I got to the city to find and get to the darn hotel – and I know my way around the city. I found myself in a hotel in Chicago, in the middle of a terrible storm, with no internet. Hence, no Wednesday Challenge, sorry! This week involved travel and being away from home, family, work in the office, and the internet. My home phoneline had been disconnected do to the ongoing construction, so no contact there either. I attended the conference, immersed in the content of the presentations. So why write about this experience?

Well, because without the other distractions and contacts of the internet, my family, being able to leave and go up and down Michigan Ave, I was bascially a prisoner of the present moment. I didn’t sleep well the first night, overtired and listening to the wind and rain howl against my window in a strange place. The first morning of the conference, tired, a little edgy about my presentation to a group of people I didn’t know, I left the safety of my little room. I’d never attended this conference or participated in this society before, who was I to submit a paper? Who was I to think I had any right to offer anything, let alone to this prestigious group? My co-author and I were the second presentation after the opening remarks, what if I messed up, I didn’t even know what the “baseline” was for this group? I didn’t even have a comparison base. The names of the other presenters brilliant authors, lecturers, publish research and consult to governments, agencies and create policy. Oh, good Lord, what I was doing there? Was it too late to run to the parking garage through the storm and rush home to the safety of my home? My anxiety was probably observable, my knees shaky and heart racing, but I managed to collect myself and I left the safety of my room. But somewhere in the hall I noticed the serenity and beauty of my surroundings, the “good morning” of the staff, the lovely flowers, and smiles of strangers moving along with me. Arriving into the conference room, my anxiety grew a bit again, and a stranger approached and welcomed me to join them. When I sat and observed the beauty of the hotel, the lovely ceilings, chandeliers, the chatter of people eagerly talking with one another about their common interests, shaking hands, nodding heads, smiling and engaging in serious and light topics; I realized what a lovely moment it was. Here I was, rather unknown to anyone in the crowd, but how when I smiled and made eye contact, so did the other person; how when I offered my hand, someone else reached towards it. Importantly, when I extended an opinion, even if it was ultimately challenged, it was heard and responded to and accepted as valid. They applauded our presentation, and several individuals followed me out to offer their cards and ask to speak further to me about “my work.” My work? What? Do they know who they are? What? What is happening, they are smiling, offering their hands, telling me my ideas are important, have validity, could offer the field something of importance? Are they sure they didn’t confuse me with someone else? Totally unexpected.

I’m not telling you this self-aggrandize or anything like this, but to share a NORMAL HUMAN experience and how when we let our experiences with the world be dictated through fear or anxiety, we missed so much information about the present experience. Further, we let these experiences, then form our self evaluation, which because it is predicated on emotions and fear, misses important information about the present experience!!

Now, this snapshot has an important image aspect and that is how I was initially viewing the experiences through my fatigue, rushing from one moment to the next, anxious or tense about my experience and the apprehension of how others would react to me. I was boarding on being soooo caught up in my head and in my dread………….I almost missed the fact that my feelings were creating a reality that didn’t exist in the moment.

How often do we allow our emotions to drive our present experiences, creating then an experience that isn’t really truly connected to the present moment? It seems many times we have experiences through FILTERS, not necessarily connected to the world around us? Since it is fall, the time when we should change the batteries on our smoke detectors and CO detectors, perhaps it is also time to clean our emotional filters. It would have been just as easy to walk away and say, “oh they are just being polite,” and make it about them. Many people I talk with have difficulty accepting that perhaps what they have to offer is valid, let alone worthy of acknowledgment for its contribution.

Many times, when I encourage my clients to really observe the moment they are experiencing, really grounding themselves in the visual, auditory, tactile, olfactory and even gustatory (yum!), the moment becomes so full of opportunities to create something different than you might otherwise expect. Further, you have an opportunity to cease merging the past with the present and having an experience colored by a moment that really doesn’t exist.

While the kindness and warmth of those strangers I met might have been superficial or just politeness, or just cordial because of the setting and moment – SO WHAT!! People, let me tell you something here – that is NORMAL HUMAN BEHAVIOR!!! It is NORMAL to be in settings and be warm and engaging and connected. We were there because of common interests to connect and share ideas and have a few laughs. It wasn’t more than that, it was a shared experience to build foundations for more if we so desired. How much of my feeling disconnected was really my own responsibility? Was my fear, albeit, normal, necessary?

My point today is really to call you to pay attention to your own experiences in the present, and how you might miss some really lovely moments in the present because of what you build up in your head, ultimately clogging your own filters? Life is way to precious and short to miss opportunities to connect and be engaged because of a clogged filter my friends. There are always doors to go through, hands to reach for, hands to shake, smiles and hugs to return or extend, when you look for them and see them. I realize daily the wealth I have of opportunities in my family, friends, students, and colleagues. Some people I can’t let and won’t let in too far based on past experience, but they don’t define how I relate to the world in the present. The past is not the present, unless I allow these past experiences merge unnecessarily.

So, this weekend, I encourage you to observe and be present, collect data in the present, look for opportunities, see them, engage where you assess it is approprate, and enjoy the moment. Be present, look for opportunities and create a wonderous moment. Let me know how it goes!

Infuse your life with action. Don’t wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your own future. Make your own hope. Make your own love. And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from upon high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen… yourself, right now, right down here on Earth.
Bradley Whitford

If you develop the absolute sense of certainty that powerful beliefs provide, then you can get yourself to accomplish virtually anything, including those things that other people are certain are impossible.
William Lyon Phelps

If you don’t change your beliefs, your life will be like this forever. Is that good news?
W. Somerset Maugham

Wednesday Challenge: Problem-Solving

This week’s challenge builds off of last weeks challenge. Last Wednesday the challenge was to just recognize patterns that typically lead to a series of automatic thoughts, feelings/emotions and behaviors. The patterns that are the most concern are those that cause destructive thinking, destructive reactions and hopeless or negative feelings, and ultimately then, those that lead to being destructive in actions. The pattern can be so engrained that it seems automatic, when in fact, what we often remove is the THOUGHT and EVALUATIVE PROCESS where we take responsibility for how we perceive and how we CHOOSE to react to things. So, when we remove these processes, it “seems” automatic, when it isn’t. Sometimes we get caught up in our heads, confusing the present with the past. Almost, it seems, recreating the chaos or pain from the past in our present. But, those things may not exist in this moment. Are we recreating past experiences in the present, so that they are merged and happening over and over and over? Or, are you existing in the present and seeing what is happening at this time, in this moment, for what is really happening?

What many of my clients tell me is that even if they don’t FEEL like they avoid thinking, they are indeed up in their heads, running the hamster wheel of negativity, hopelessness, despondency and anxiety. So, being self-destructive FEELS like a logical answer to the noise and internal intensity. Interestingly, the pattern doesn’t really relieve anything, and as a matter of fact, just seems to get bigger or more looming. Consequently they tend to FEEL even more cut off than ever from hope. Feelings aren’t facts. Feelings tell us something important might be happening, and we need to check out the facts to see if the feeling or reaction is actually accurate. Many times, our feelings are distorted, which distorts our view of the present. That is why being present and grounded is such an important part of the pattern of being healthy.

Last week I asked if you were willing (YES WILLING) to recognize one pattern in your day, and look for opportunities in this pattern recognition, for a chance to decrease the emotional turmoil and perhaps destructive thinking that occured with it. Additionally, the challenge implied willingness to recognize your own reactions and to hold you accountable for your choice of responses and actions. This means whatever choices you make, be courageous to live with the outcomes. But I challenge you, are the problems created by your choices of actions, ones you want to live with? Do they provide you with true benefits and move you towards peace, health, calmness, sanity? If not, you may want to ask yourself “is the way I am choosing to problem-solve and manage my life HELPFUL?” If the answer is “NO!”, then you have an opportunity to problem-solve, and look for other alternatives.

Here is where you are so powerful – YOU choose what you do with your thoughts, your feelings and reactions, and ultimately your behaviors. You choose how much or what you value. You can choose where your path leads. I can imagine some of you having some firm reactions to this. But, if you can’t accept that you yourself hold this power of choice and self-management, what is left? Automatically responding to the world, living inside your head, reacting to your internal intensity which is as random as the weather patterns? What is MISSING, is living in the movement, responding to DATA – that information which you evaluate, and then choosing your reactions and behaviors, IN THE PRESENT.

The past provides a context, but in this moment, using information that is data driven, you can recognize and INTERRUPT patterns by problem-solving them. Solutions, if you are being mindful and focused on creating health, are present based responses to the immediate problem. But, your solutions and responses when interrupting patterns out to be based on what you are trying to create. SO back to your values and goals as both your foundation and your aspirational compass to your future, values are what we stand on and choose to be our guide, goals lead and direct.

Problem solving requires you assume responsibility for your actions, accountability for your choices. What ever you decide, you can own it. It may mean some serious challenges of old patterns that no longer benefit you or help you.

So tomorrow, recognize a pattern. See it as an opportunity to try something new. If you were willing to interrupt that pattern, what would the solution be? What would it look like? How would you handle being different in your thinking about that pattern in the moment? How would you manage your reactions and feelings in that moment? What would your behavior or response look like? And lastly, how would you manage tolerating your internal response to those links being adjusted?

You are more powerful and capable than you may know. It is just as easy to put two feet on the floor and nourish yourself as it is to stay in bed and live inside your head. Both may be tough, but if you want a different outcome, then the task is to problem solve where in the pattern you can respond differently so the pattern moves in the direction of your desired outcome. Part of that challenge is to tolerate the different. Honestly can it be any harder than tolerating the noise and negativity you create to stay in the same patterns?

All this challenge is asking is to look for an opportunity to problem solve one link in a pattern you’ve recognized, and to problem solve it (one link) to look for an opportunity to try something different.

If you always do what you’ve always done, then you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.

You are the difference in your own life in this moment. You are greater than you know. Create a present based on your values, your desired goals and outcome. Don’t wait for it to be granted to you, only you can grant that permission to yourself.

Create peace and recognize opportunities, k

Wednesday Challenge: Recognizing Patterns

People who engage in self-destructive thinking and behaviors are often caught up in patterns of emotional turmoil, disordered eating behaviors, poor self-care, dissociation, suicidal thinking, dispair or dissociation as patterns in their lives.  Thinking then ends up being way far down on the list after a pattern of automatic reactions, automatic feelings, automatic urges, automatic reactions, distorted thinking,…and so on and on and on.    The cycle goes on and on, with emotions becoming more and more dysregulated, and hopeless, anger and resentment growing.  The self-destructive behaviors might have served a purpose at one time, but are these “coping strategies” really working today?  Do they actually improve the quality of your relationships with your internal world (thinking, behaviors or ultimately, your actions)?  Do they improve the quality of your relationships with your external world (the people, places and things in it)?  And lastly, do they help you take care of yourself, your body, spirit, and soul?

Many people aren’t aware that what might have been used to cope at one time in their lives, is now a cyclic pattern or habit that is self-sustaining, and they often feel trapped by the internal push to re-engage in these behaviors over and over and over.  The sad thing is, that these patterns tend to take on an existence of their own, where the person feels compelled to “feed the beast” and trapped in the pattern.  What was once a behavior used to change internal intensity so that life was more managable, is now feeling like a compulsion that has taken over mind, body and free will.  The good news is that that compulsion or urge which drives your behavior, and “feels” automatic and out of your control, REALLY IS IN YOUR CONTROL.

I’m sure many of you think that I’m not at all right about this.  I understand this statement flies in the way of the dislogic of the self-destruction monster that seems to drive your life.  Here is my comment to that, the self-destruction compulsion that is so firmly entrenched in your behavior repetoire is based in DISLOGIC, UNTRUTH AND NEEDS YOU TO HAVE FEAR, ANGER, ANXIETY AND SELF-LOATHING TO FEED IT.  Basically, it lies to you, distorts the truth, and keeps you in a pattern that can lead you to recreate the past over and over and over.  You have the same sucky experiences repeatedly. 

Your thinking is a key point to recognizing, and then being able to change patterns.  THINKING?  Many of you find being in your head difficult and dangerous.  That is often because you are caught in emotional dislogic, not reality based and goal connected purposeful thinking connected to the present moment.  I’m not asking you to CHANGE your behavior in this challenge, but to observe your patterns and how you think about your observations.

 The world we have created is a product of our thinking; it cannot be changed without changing our thinking.           Albert Einstein

My challenge for Wednesday is to focus on your thinking and PATTERN RECOGNITION.   The challenge isn’t asking you to behave differently, but to OBSERVE differently.  Just be a student, collect information about your movement in your own life, your relationships and how you treat yourself.

So what exactly is pattern recognition and why is it soooo important? 

Pattern Recognition:

It is important to be aware of patterns and collecting data about your life.  Data involves looking at the real facts and outcomes, not just using internal “feeling” based ones.  Recognizing patterns and the way that they connect to lead to specific behaviors, feelings or outcomes is important. Once patterns are identified, it becomes easier to identify ways to change patterns.  This change is called Pattern Recognition. 

 Even when you believe you can never change existing patterns or that things will never be different, it is important to keep your eye on your desired goal and behave as though things can be different.  Interrupting automatic feelings is just as important as interrupting automatic reactions, behaviors and choices.  It is important to recognize opportunities to practice new behavioral patterns.

 It is important to think about experiences in terms of links on a chain.  For example, first this happens, then this, then that….and then the outcome or ending.  Each link is an  important part of the chain. You can manage to interrupt patterns, and it may be very uncomfortable.  You can manage to chose to manage yourself, limit the use of symptomatic behaviors and change aspects of your life that you are in charge of, such as your thoughts, behaviors, feelings and reactions.

And,

We tend to have a pattern of habits to maintain our own sense of status quo.  Sometimes the status quo we work so hard to maintain is not healthy for us.  At one time it may have been helpful to get through a time or circumstance, but it may not be as helpful or healthy to us now. 

As we work to become healthier and change old patterns, it may be difficult, in part because we don’t value or respect our own dignity as a person.  We may not act in ways that are respectful to ourselves.

 Another aspect of change involves how others react when we change.  Sometimes others may not like your behavior as you set limits, say no, or react differently.  Often there is a heavy feeling of pressure to keep things the same.  Maybe those relationships aren’t healthy or good for you.

So, for tomorrow, just 24 hours, committ to being grounded and connected for some part of it, so you can collect data about your patterns.  Here are some ideas:

1. Observe your automatic THOUGHTS — REACTIONS/FEELINGS—BEHAVIOR RESPONSES — cycle
2. Observe your cues.  Believe it or not, you don’t just “randomly” become triggered or compulsed to harm yourself.  There is generally something that you might not have consciously been aware of that started the urge pattern.
3. How grounded, connected and reality based are you?
4. Is this pattern helpful to you?  Define helpful as meaning moving you towards being healthier?  If the answer is no, it opens the door to considering other alternatives, which interrupt unhealthy patterns.

So tomorrow, the challenge is to think your way through your day by observing patterns as opportunities where you could try something new.   MAJOR CAVEAT –  this also means thinking your way through, not judging, punishing, or being harshly critical of yourself.  It means being a STUDENT OF YOURSELF, collecting information that you can use to help you make decisions in your own best interest. 

Let me know your observations.

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He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying. Friedrich Wilhelm Hietzsche

Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.
Robert Louis Stevenson

Intense feeling too often obscures the truth.
Harry S. Truman

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. 
Author unknown

Our lives improve only when we take chances – and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Walter Anderson

 

Wednesday Challenge: Creating Your Own NORM

Trying to meet “their” standards, to fit in, to be normal…………. The angst, emotional turmoil, pain, grief, fear, hopelessness, anger, rage, isolation, self-destruction, manipulation of your SELF-DEFINITION, compromising your own dignity, integrity and value….what the?????

Earlier comments this week got me thinking about the influence we allow others to have on our sanity.  Take, for example, the media, especially videos such as Pink’s F#$king Perfect, and so many of her other works and other relevant media, got me thinking, why do we so readily let other people dictate who we are, who we should be, what’s pretty, what’s cool, all that?  When and why do we begin to do this?  How does this take over our being, our very existence and cause so many people to wage war on our own bodies, cutting off avenues of support, healthy relationships and opportunities for growth?  We preach about individuality, then we slam people for walking their own path.  What is that about?  Why are we a nation of lemmings?  Why do we allow ourselves to have OUR OWN NORM dictated to us?  Why do so many scream about this hypocritical thinking, and yet wage war with ourselves?  We don’t accept ourselves, yet we scream at, resist, act out against and struggle, to be “normal.”  Here, I borrow the F-bomb from Pink.   Perhaps, part of the answer is to actually say………………………….I reject “normal” for myself, at least on someone else’s terms. 

Truly, are those stupid housewives shows really  reflecting normal?   Are half those people who you felt tormented by during your life truly “normal” the way you truly consider normal, appropriate or healthy?  Thank the Lord I’m not normal in that definition of the word.  Are the people shown on all those rag magazines normal?  Ditto the Mean Girls, “popular kids”, Cosmo, those media sources shoving the current “it-girl” down our throats, that colleague or family member who will never get me or the Stepford Wives at my gym?  Before I sound too judgmental – let me qualify – if that works for them FINE, OK, GREAT; but I own the responsibility, obligation, and duty  TO LIVE MY LIFE AS I DEEM FIT – CONGRUENT WITH MY OWN GOALS, VALUES AND INVESTMENTS………………………AND PARAMETERS FOR NORMAL.  This also means, I choose to not be enraged, engaged with or resentful of those whose lives are different than mine – no matter how influenced I think I am by them.  I will figure out how to manage my own sanity living in a world where others may not care about my sanity, I can do this.  YOU my friends do not need anyone else to define or validate you.  YOU are enough in who you are today – BUT….I encourage you to live responsibly with that knowledge in regards to creating what works for you. 

More importantly:

WHY DO WE GIVE THE RIGHTS TO APPROVE OUR OWN TO SELF DEFINITION AWAY TO PEOPLE WHO DON”T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT US?   What would happen if you chose to define yourself as an incredibly intricate gem stone, with many different facets, all contributing to one brilliant peace of artwork?  What if you chose to live with that definition of yourself, and allowed others to have their own opinion about whatever they do………………and just let it be?  Listening to others doesn’t equate to a demand for you to change your position or viewpoint. 

WHY DO WE RAGE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE BEING SUCH JERKS TO US ABOUT IT?   Why don’t we look at other people’s inappropriate, cruel or harmful behavior as something about THEM, instead of twisting yourself up in knots trying to make sense of such ugliness and inappropriateness?  That comes at a huge cost to you. 

WHY DO WE TRY TO GET OTHERS TO APPROVE OF US WHEN WE MAY NOT EVEN LIKE, RESPECT OR CARE ABOUT THEM TO BEGIN WITH????  It takes great courage to walk away from or not accept that others may not like, respect or care about us.   But guess what, it is a fact of life.  Face it, you don’t like some people either.  YOU, you can unchoose liking, respecting or caring about people too.  However, please take the high road, and don’t lower yourself to wage war on them, it is a waste of your precious time, energy, and self-respect and dignity.

It would seem that we carry the cruelty of growing up with us for a lllllonnnngggg long time. In each of our lives we’ve all strived to belong and to fit, yet held the desire to be individuals, unique and special. Some of us have been bullied or put down because we were an easy target of someone. Some of us test, provoke and challenge through our outrageousness. But think about it, when you stand in peace with yourself defining what works for you, what is your NORM, when you allow your thoughts to honor your existance and stop raging against the world and actually just BE WHO YOU ARE the noise quiets down. Don’t get me wrong, I love Pink’s music, she’s a BEAUTIFUL TALENTED & POWERFUL woman, but honestly, she’s successful, on her terms, she has a family, on her terms, she has her own style, on her terms,……..why the hell is she soooo angry??? Who is she at war with, who?  Who is tormenting her now? What battle is she playing out through her music and art?  If she were, like some of you, willing to just stand and accept the beauty that she creates, and tolerate living in this world on her terms, paying no mind to those who are disrespectful, unkind or demeaning (seriously, the F#$K Off should probably be aimed at those people, but with wayyyy less energy and investment because they don’t deserve it), what might that her life be like?  Where would the energy and rage go?  Could it be channeled into being healthy, calm, connected and peaceful?  How much more beautiful and powerful might you become?  What about you and your own war?

WELL, READERS, HERE IS MY CHALLENGE TO YOU if you are truly willing to take a psychological survivor position and live with courage tomorrow:  I CHOOSE NOT TO BE THAT KIND OF “NORMAL” that is defined by sources I neither like, respect, or trust.  I choose to follow my own path, take in information that is congruent with being healthy, sane, calm, and keeps me intact.  I choose who is a “credible” source of information, and who is not meeting that criteria.  I will choose to be my own hero, not tolerant of waging war on myself, choosing sanity over self-destructiveness.  I will let go of “normal” as defined by any other source than of my own choosing.

Ok, brief challenge directives for this challenge:

1. Be aware of when you give your power away to someone who doesn’t earn your respect.
2. Look at your own contributions to your anger, pain and continued self-destructive patterns.  Do you listen to every message without considering whether the messenger has credibility?
3. Catch the times you automatically react and go down into that negative pattern, when the alternative is to catch yourself and ask yourself if there is a different choice that might give you a different outcome.
4. Be at peace with who you are.  No explanations necessary.
5. Be ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR CHOICES AND ACTIONS, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN HEALTH, WELL-BEING AND SANITY.

I speak from some personal perspective here.  Some years ago, someone I thought I respected, who held a very powerful position, well respected in his field, told me I’d never get into graduate school, let alone be at a doctoral level as a profession, in his esteemed opinion, I’d never be more than “just a housewife” but then tried to soften it with “but a very good housewife.”  Well, twenty plus years later, I can look back and question, why on earth did I allow him to be in such a powerful messenger position?  Why did I give my power away, and allow myself to be so demeaned and disrespected?  Why was I so ashamed, embarrassed and change my course (I decided not to pursue my education for a while, and chose not to go to on for my doctorate or to medical school as a result).  WHY?  BECAUSE I shut myself off from seeking other valuable sources of input, from people who respected and cared about me and my best interest.  I choose to stay in that relationship, and I bought all the crap they fed me ABOUT MYSELF – like the were the expert on me.  I bet he doesn’t even remember me, let alone what he said to me.  Likewise I remember the day when I allowed other information into that closed off place to allow me to consider going forward.  I will forever be in debt to those who challenged the dislogic I’d grown into a “truth” that was really a lie.  I’d become my own jailer – created a life based on someone else’s definition of what my norm should be. I could have chosen to keep in that narrow world view. Thank the good Lord I didn’t. It was risky, but I sought support, I ACTED IN MY OWN BEST INTEREST, and pretty soon, things began to shift. BUT I had to accept that I was giving my dignity away myself, I was selling myself short, I was being the bully. Bullying only works when the victim buys into it.

We do this all the time, often with negative consequences that we alone carry the brunt of, silently and alone.  Sometimes being self-destructive and buying into it with our self-definition and self-worth.  NO ONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOU ACTS LIKE THIS or CONDONES SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR IN SOMEONE THEY LOVE.  DATA POINT!!!  Tough truth, and in therapy you might have talked about that with your therapist.  Self-destructive, chronic suicidal ideation, disordered eating, high risk behaviors…are any of these behaviors what you use to manage the emotions of what you do to try to fit into someone else’s dictates of who you should be to be “good enough” or “normal”?  Anyone who truly cares about, respects you or themselves, would never never engage in that kind of behavior.

I CHOOSE NOT TO BE THAT KIND OF “NORMAL”. I am who I am, take it or leave it.  I’m ok if someone chooses to leave it.  Truly.  I will be ok, it is better than selling myself out, hurting myself or changing to meet someone elses standard.  AND I can do it peacefully, calmly, without angst, pain or war with myself.

More importantly, choose to honor yourself.  Honor your gifts, walk your path, your way.  Accept the responsibility and accoutability for your choices and actions.  Live your life on your terms, create your norm.   If you don’t, none of the hard work you are doing has anything to stick to and grow from.  BE YOURSELF.  No one else can do that for you.  Stop questioning if you are worth it, accept it, live it, be worthy of your own respect.  IF YOU DON’T, you leave the door wide open to bullies coming in and helping you defeat yourself and to keep the self-destructive, self-abusive cycle going.  Calm the emotional turmoil by being your own hero.  Create a life that works for you.

You are greater than you know.  Peace – Kammie

PS – If I were to meet that person I mentioned above (the one with the housewife comment, not Pink – who I’d probably just blather on about how powerful her music and messages are, and how much I respect her), I’d look him in the eye and tell him he was absolutely wrong….I suck at being a housewife. It’s really really hard work, I’m not that organized, thorough or focused.  I’m at best, mediocre.  I’m ok with that, and salute those who walk down the path of that choosing, and salute those who don’t.  The point being, I continually work on being the best at what works for me, creating my own norm.  I won’t wage war for something like that.  Don’t enter a battle where you have nothing to win, and every thing to lose.  You don’t have to join every battle you get an invitation to join.  The only winner of a power struggle is the one who doesn’t enter into it.  Recognize when you create and maintain your own wars and your contributions to the craziness and destruction in your life.

Wednesday Challenge: Making Decisions in Your Own Best Interest

Tomorrow challenge is fairly straightforward and direct:  CHOOSING TO COMMIT TO MAKING DECISIONS IN YOUR OWN BEST INTEREST. This means commiting to being healthy 100%, giving up ambivalence, and being willing (yes willing) to take a psychological survivor position, and act 100% in line with your goal of being healthy.  Give up the “maybes”, the “going to try to” and the “oh maybe I might fail.”  Commit to your recovery tomorrow, mind, body, soul, spirit, and in your relationships.  Practice it, and practice it and practice it.  CHOOSE TO BE HEALTHY tomorrow.

What this means is, tomorrow, practice, at least once:

1. Being honest with yourself about your choices
2. Knowing your goals, being clear on what your best interest means
3. Holding yourself accountable for your choices
4. Thinking your way through your feelings, reactions and urges
5. Tolerating your negative moods, thoughts, urges and impulses
6. Recognizing what you are responding to, and then CHOOSING a healthy reaction
7. Living congruently with what you say you want.  That means if you want “sanity” then make choices that help that, if you want to be healthy, then make choices that help that happen
8. NO judging, criticizing, punishing, or other demeaning harsh bullying of yourself 

For this you will need:

INTEGRITY

Integrity is telling myself the truth. Honesty is telling the truth to other people.  Spencer Johnson 

CHOICE + ACTION THAT MATCH (CONGRUENCE)

One’s philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes. In the long run, we shape our lives and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And, the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.  Eleanor Roosevelt

Action expresses priorities. Mohandas Gandhi

 COURAGE
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. Ambrose Redmoon

CERTAINTY + COMMITMENT

If you develop the absolute sense of certainty that powerful beliefs provide, then you can get yourself to accomplish virtually anything, including those things that other people are certain are impossible. William Lyon Phelps

WILLINGNESS TO TRY SOMETHING NEW (PATTERN RECOGNITION)

If you don’t change your beliefs, your life will be like this forever. Is that good news?  W. Somerset Maugham

The mind is everything. What you think you become. Buddha

CHANGING YOUR THINKING (PATTERN INTERRUPTION)
If you don’t have solid beliefs you cannot build a stable life. Beliefs are like the foundation of a building, and they are the foundation to build your life upon.   Alfred A. Mon

COMMITMENT

Destiny is not a matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: it is not to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.  William Jennings Bryan

KINDNESS TOWARDS YOURSELF

You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.  Buddha

PURPOSE

Great minds have purposes, others have dreams. WashingtonIrving

 KNOW WHAT YOU ARE WORKING TOWARDS

 The tragedy of life doesn’t lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goals to reach. Benjamin Mays

COOPERATION WITH YOUR PLAN TO MOVE TOWARDS HEALTH

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.  George S. Patton

PERSISTENCE

So long as there is breath in me, that long I will persist. For now I know one of the greatest principles on success; if I persist long enough I will win. Og Mandino

PERSERVERANCE   

Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. Confucius

THINKING YOUR WAY THROUGH THINGS

 Stop the habit of wishful thinking and start the habit of thoughtful wishes.   Mary Martin

SELF-MANAGEMENT  

We are shaped by our thoughts. We become what we think. Buddha

 

TOLERANCE & SELF-ACCEPTANCE

Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself – no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are – completely; the good and the bad – and make changes as YOU see fit – not because you think someone else wants you to be different.  Stacey Charter

Wednesday Challenge – Creating Safety

 CORE Exercise B:  Creating Safety     (Daily Journaling for Self-Injury Recovery:   A Therapists’ Guide for Clients)

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It helps you be connected and present.  Being grounded and connected to the world in the present allows you to participate actively in your world in ways that are in your best interest, and helps you create a different present than your past.  It helps you have an opportunity to create a different experience.   It helps your brain tell if there are real threats or ghosts of old ones, or false alarms. When your brain and body are connected and giving each other information about the present moment, you may find you are less anxious, scared and impulsive.  The calmer you can keep your body, the clearer the mind.  The calmer your body, the more able your brain is to accurately scan for information and respond to cues in the environment.  The calmer your body, the more your brain is able to accurately respond to things.  Just as a point of information, calm is not attained through drugs, alcohol, self-inflicted injury, or nutritional compromise.  That is not calm……..that is numb.  Numb actually sends your brain into more panic because it is struggling to accurately recognize cues in the environment.  And, for brains that have survived trauma, they are already primed for hypervigilance, so NUMBING out the system, actually primes it to react in panic, anxiety – all those threat and alert things.  Calm does not equal NUMB.

Today I am challenging you to consider the topic of how you relate to (manage) yourself in three ways:

1. Your mind or thoughts
2. Your feelings, emotions or emotional intensity
3. Your reactions, actions and behaviors

And, with that management challenge, the concept of creating a sense of Safety through managing your thoughts, feelings and behaviors.   The first step here is being grounded and connected.  If you want more on the concept of safety and the BASICS, see the PAGE marked as such. 

SAFETY:   Safety is the internal process, governing how we manage the relationship with our internal world.  It is how we manage our thinking, feelings, and ultimately our reactions or behaviors.  Is an internal process that puts into order how we manage our reactions, thoughts, feelings and behaviors into mindful and purposeful behavior.  It governs our internal reality and colors how we think about, experience and interact with our external world. 

Remember, THOUGHTS, FEELINGS & BEHAVIORS exist together.  We can change our experience of our present by changing HOW WE THINK ABOUT THINGS, CHOOSING HOW WE REACT EMOTIONALLY, AND THEN CHOOSING OUR BEHAVIOR (REACTIONS OR ACTIONS).  I’m pretty sure someone out there is saying ‘WHAT – CHOOSING HOW I FEEL?   I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HOW I FEEL!!!!”  Here is my response:

1. Feelings are cues, they tell us something important is going on.   Feelings tell us something important is going on and that we need to get into our head to do a REALITY CHECK, and to THINK OUR WAY THROUGH the moment. 
2. Then, once we have recognized the emotional cue is present, we get into our head and THINK OUR WAY THROUGH, and then choose a reaction/action/behavior that is in line with our desired outcome or goal. 

OK, follow me here. ……………………..

This is my favorite breathing exercise.     If you can do this for 45 seconds, slowly, evenly, and repeatedly, you will change your physiology from panic, fear and threat, to relaxed, calm and alert.   Please consider trying it.  Take a deep breath in 1, 2, 3, 4.  Hold it, 1, 2, 3, 4.  Let it out 1, 2, 3, 4.  Hold empty, 1, 2, 3, 4.   Take a deep breath in 1, 2, 3, 4.  Hold it, 1, 2, 3, 4.  Let it out 1, 2, 3, 4.  Hold empty, 1, 2, 3, 4.  Take a deep breath in 1, 2, 3, 4.  Hold it, 1, 2, 3, 4.  Let it out 1, 2, 3, 4.  Hold empty, 1, 2, 3, 4.   Take a deep breath in 1, 2, 3, 4.  Hold it, 1, 2, 3, 4.  Let it out 1, 2, 3, 4.  Hold empty, 1, 2, 3, 4.

Breathe and practice being grounded and connected to the world around you (take your inventory, identify visually 5 things, identify 5 things you hear, identify 5 things you tactile/touch/feel, identify something you smell, identify something you taste – so keep something to taste – coffee, soda, toothpaste, gummint, chocolate………something you like ).

 What might make it difficult for you to be grounded and connected, or calm? 

Are these thoughts:

1. Accurate?  Inaccurate?
2. Helpful? Not helpful?
3. Necessary?  Not necessary?
4. Appropriate?  Not appropriate?
5. Reasonable?  Not reasonable?
6. Realistic?  Not realistic?
7. Are you responding to the present moment and situation?  Or are you responding to one in the past, one not present in this moment?

Do you have specific situations, circumstances or events that can cause you to lose your groundedness?  Are they predictable? 

What thoughts are in your head while you attend to these things? 

Are they helpful or distracting? 

 What are five things you can do daily to help you be grounded?

Are your willing to be grounded and connected, and responsible for yourself in this moment?

Practice being grounded and focused now. Re-do those breathing exercises above.  What is different than when you started this exercise?  

Get grounded into the present using the five senses. As you work through each sense, take time to pay attention to your breathing.  Key your eyes open. Practice slow, rhythmic breathing as you go through this exercise below.  Try to practice five-ten of each below:

1. At this moment, what do I see?  What is surrounding you?
2. At this moment, what do I hear? 
3. At this moment, what do I taste?
4. At this moment, what do I smell?
5. At this moment, what do I feel?
6. Breathe slowly and picture yourself being calm and connected, and being alert, and able to choose your actions.

Do you notice a change in your level of awareness or body tension? Own the privilege of being in your own body.  It is exactly where you should be, living within your own being. 

On a scale from 1 – 10, monitor your state of tension before and after the exercises.

 Give yourself permission to be connected to the present moment, safe within your own body, connected and in control of your thoughts, feelings and reactions.  Give yourself permission to be present, aware, and in charge of your actions, choices and behaviors.  Give yourself permission to delay acting on impulse, permission to sit with feelings, permission to make decisions in your own best interest.  Honor yourself.

Acknowledge where your body holds its tension or negative feelings.   Visualize it.  Set the tension free.  Take a deep breath in 1, 2, 3, 4.  Hold it, 1, 2, 3, 4.  Let it out 1, 2, 3, 4.  Set the tension free.  Hold empty, 1, 2, 3, 4.   Take a deep breath in 1, 2, 3, 4.  Hold it, 1, 2, 3, 4.  Let it out 1, 2, 3, 4.  Set the tension free. Hold empty, 1, 2, 3, 4.  Take a deep breath in 1, 2, 3, 4.  Hold it, 1, 2, 3, 4.  Let it out 1, 2, 3, 4.  Set the tension free. You don’t need the tension, set it free.  Hold empty, 1, 2, 3, 4.   Take a deep breath in 1, 2, 3, 4.  Hold it, 1, 2, 3, 4.  Let it out 1, 2, 3, 4.  You don’t need the tension, set it free.  Hold empty, 1, 2, 3, 4.

 Practice this three times during your day. 

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Today’s meditation:

I am creating myself everyday, I am in process of living my life,

Each day is a brand new opportunity that I have some say in, that I can impact.

I can’t change the past, however, what can I create now?

Today, those of you who are willing to be courageous, even though afraid or lacking courage or hope, please consider taking a psychological survivor position, please consider the following possibilities discussed here. 

Today, is an opportunity to try something new.  Something that allows you to be a student of yourself, to recognized and interrupt patterns; and to try something new………..

 Give yourself permission to be connected to the present moment, safe within your own body, connected and in control of your thoughts, feelings and reactions. 

Give yourself permission to be present, aware, and in charge of your actions, choices and behaviors. 

Give yourself permission to delay acting on impulse, permission to sit with feelings, permission to make decisions in your own best interest. 

 

Choose to belong to your life, your world.  Choose who has permission to matter to you.  Look at how you can position yourself in relationships.  Collect data on how healthy the relationships may or may not be.  Is how you relate in them beneficial & healthy?  Are they truly in your best interest? 

 

Choose Mindfulness.  Unchoose avoidance and automatic responses.

Choose wisely.  Unchoose paths that you know lead you to dark places.

Be a student of yourself. 

Choose Peace.  Unchoose Chaos.

Choose Respect.  Unchoose disrespect.

Honor yourself.  You are greater than you know.

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Remembering & Honoring

Today, we as a nation are sitting on an anniversary of one of the most tragic events that has happened on our land in our current history.  Why write about this on a blog about self-injury, trauma, self-destruction and emotional turmoil?  Believe it or not, it is a wonderful teaching opportunity to understand the process of grief, recovery and hope.  We as a nation mourn what happened, that it happened, that so many were affected, and continue to be affected.  We mourn that we must live with those who perpetrated this evil in our lives, damaging so much.  We mourn that we must and do carry on with those scars. 

In one of the worse times in our history, came hope, resilience, redefinition and continuation of life.  We choose to move on, time is moving anyway, so how do we move on?  How did people do this?  How do we do this?  Here are my thoughts of what we had, what we become  by our experiences if we are willing to face challenges, or what elements are necessary for meeting those challenges and surviving.  So…………for your consideration:

HOPE. 

While there’s life, there’s hope. Marcus Tullius Cicero

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

WE BELIEVED IN SOMETHING GREATER, WE ACCEPTED FAITH IN SOMETHING.

Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into.   Mohandas Gandhi

Faith has to do with things that are not seen and hope with things that are not at hand.   Thomas Aquinas

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.  Michael Evans

WE ACTED WITH COURAGE.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.         Ambrose Redmoon

WE LIVED WITH ACTION CONGRUENT TO WHO WE WANTED TO BE AT OUR BEST MOMENT.

The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are. Joseph Campbell

Change your thoughts and you change your world. Norman Vincent Peale

 Choose beliefs that serve your soul – choose beliefs that serve the grander dream of who you choose to be. Joy Page 

WE SOUGHT TRUTH AND WISDOM OF LESSONS TO BE LEARNED.

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.
Thomas Jefferson

There is a wisdom of the head, and a wisdom of the heart.
Charles Dickens

WE TOOK ACTION AND WILLINGNESS TO ACT.

Infuse your life with action. Don’t wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your own future. Make your own hope. Make your own love. And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from upon high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen… yourself, right now, right down here on Earth. Bradley Whitford

WE KEPT GOING, PERSERVERANCE BELIEVING IT WAS NOT AN OPTION TO DO OTHERWISE. 

To every person there comes in their lifetime that special moment when are figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered the chance to do a very special thing, unique to you and your talents.  What a tragedy if that moment finds you unprepared or unqualified for the work which could have been your finest hour.  Sir Winston Churchill

I will prepare and some day my chance will come.  Abraham Lincoln

“Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying … ‘I will try again tomorrow.’”  Lara Adio

DETERMINATION.

Destiny is not a matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: it is not to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.
William Jennings Bryan

He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying.  Nietzsche

Some succeed because they are destined to, but most succeed because they are determined to. Unknown

CREATED A PURPOSE, ADDED MEANING, WISDOM AND DIRECTION.

What we think, we become.  Buddha

The purpose of life is a life of purpose. Buddha 

STOOD ON A FOUNDATION OF OUR OWN CREATION.

If you don’t have solid beliefs you cannot build a stable life. Beliefs are like the foundation of a building, and they are the foundation to build your life upon.  Alfred A. Montapert

Like water, be gentle and strong. Be gentle enough to follow the natural paths of the earth, and strong enough to rise up and reshape the world. Brenda Peterson

JOINING WITH OTHERS MOVING IN THE SAME DIRECTION.

Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened.  Happiness never decreases by being shared. Buddha quotes

Action expresses priorities.
Mohandas Gandhi

OWNED THE FACT THAT WE HAVE A VOICE.

A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history.
Mohandas Gandhi 

 HAVE A SENSE OF JUSTICE.

Be the change that you want to see in the world.
Mohandas Gandhi

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.   Bishop Desmond Tutu

  RESPONSIBILITY.

We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future.
George Bernard Shaw

 And so, mourn and grieve if you need, remember what is necessary, allow it to become something of meaning to you; but not to let it define you.  Grieve that it happened, celebrate the life you create today in the present.  Do not let it consume you, learn from it, grow out of it; create your life.  You are more than your pain, sorrow, and angst.  Hope for the future, and live your life today so as to create this for yourself. 

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. 
Author unknown

 Rules are not necessarily sacred, principles are. Franklin D. Roosevelt

And now, this is the sweetest and most glorious day that ever my eyes did see.  Donald Cargill

To all survivors, honor yourself, that is the first step in creating a present that can move towards something greater than the pain you endure.  Peace, k

 

Wednesday Challenge – Your Values

Your core values and beliefs will color your reality.  Your core values and beliefs create your understanding of reality.  No quotes, those are my statements. 

How aware are you of your own core values and beliefs?  Not those you grew up with, or those of the people around you, I mean your own set of beliefs?  And……why is this important in the context on a blog addressing issues of self-injury, eating disorders, suicide, trauma, emotional turmoil and hopeless?  WHY?  Because, my friend, this is a  blog about creating a life that allows you to consider a different approach to your life, one that puts you in a psychological survivor position, where you (YOU) create your present, and that present is different from your past.   In order to create a present that is different than your past, you have to create a new foundation.  While it would be easier to run out to the hardware store and purchase the materials to build one in reality, the emotional, spiritual, and cognitive foundation is one of your creation inside of your mind, heart and soul.  It is intangible, but reachable; can be solid, yet open to new experiences. 

Here is your challenge today:

1. Do you know what values you hold as your moral/spiritual compass, the ones which help you organize the direction of your life?
2. Do you know what you stand for?  Do you have a belief system that helps you attain or create an experience in the present that is in your best interest (allows you to be healthy and intact)?

Most people who I talk with would say NO!!!  They experience life reactively, always reacting, feeling threatened, vulnerable, like they are responsible for keeping the peace and everything calm while they are falling apart inside.  Some of this is due to their own perceptions, their re-engagements with scorpions in their lives, and continuation of cycles that they could behave differently towards.  They take it to the next step – they incorporate all sorts of negative self-defeating thoughts, punishing themselves for random events or for the actions of others.  Think about it – you do something silly/accidental/awkward, your first reaction is to say what……………?  Enter self-deprocating thought here.   The other day I dropped my keys three times in a row, it was an opportunity for me to be self-deprocating (I’ll spare you the possibilities), or to ask myself what was this about, if anything at all?  When I looked at how clumsy I’d been all day, I could have really beaten myself emotionally, but instead I gave myself the same grace I’d give you – what’s going on?  Are you tired? Did you have adequate nutrition?  Are you distracted?  In my case………………..yes, and it was a cue that I needed to honor and respect my bodys’ needs. 

Why take that route?  Because, my values and beliefs are predicated in the solid belief that in order to take care of others, to walk with them, advise them, be compassionate with others, (PAY ATTENTION HERE), my belief system must be congruent with my actions, I have to be willing (yes that word) to respect and honor myself, and give myself the same grace THAT I OFFER TO OTHERS. 

I also have to be willing, yes willing, to accept that gift.  Now, here is where my patients tend to get anxious, “I DON’T DESERVE THAT!!!!” they scream.  My only comment back to that is, “If you don’t give it to yourself, you’ll never accept it from another person.  Who has the right to determine that if not YOU?”  In a way, their argument allows them to be caught in a cycle where they don’t have to change, they don’t have to challenge unhealthy thoughts, and they continue to hurt themselves or defeat themselves so that the pain doesn’t happen again (don’t sit there nodding in agreement, because that is DISTORTED!).   The truth is – ONLY YOU DETERMINE WHAT IS ACCEPTABLE TO YOU, AND THIS IS BASED ON YOUR CREATION OF YOUR FOUNDATION. 

Anyone who challenges your self-care and well-being is someone you should consider moving out of your emotional reaction range – they are perhaps to be considered that scorpion on a leash.  They don’t warrant emotional reactions, closeness/intimacy or maybe even proximity.  GUESS WHAT – you don’t have to like some people, or respect, or value.  SOME PEOPLE DON’T DESERVE FOR YOU TO CARE ABOUT THEM.  More about this when we discuss boundaries.  Think of the rings of an onion, some people deserve to be way wwwwwaaaayyyyy out, only some people who have earned it, deserve to be close to you related to your placing importance on them.  If someone has hurt you and refuses to acknowledge it or accept responsibility for it, you have no obligation to them emotionally.  Shift to a psychological survivor position to manage them.  Act accordingly.  Scorpions on a leash…but I digress……………

Your foundation is your solid standing ground, your values are your compass and guide.

WEDNESDAY CHALLENGE:

 VALUES

 Values are necessary to help you have a healthy Framework to use in decision making and self-management as you move through your present moment. Values are something you can choose to adopt.  They help you define who you are, and what you define as important to you.  This foundation is necessary for guiding goals, your choices and actions:

 Dignity                        Self respect, honoring yourself

Honesty                       Telling the truth to others, honoring the truth

Integrity                      Telling the truth to yourself, honoring your own truth

Respect                       Having honor towards oneself and others

Responsibility          Having investment in owning what you commit to accomplishing

Accountability          Being willing to be responsible to commitments made

Willingness                  Being open to trying new options or choices, motivation to be different

Openness                     Being willing to be willing to try new options or choices     

Tolerance                     Being willing to put up with feeling or thoughts that are uncomfortable or new

Boundaries                  Having healthy limits, respecting ones personal space

Patience                       Endurance over a long period of time, keeping your eye on the future 

Awareness                   Having knowledge about experiences, reactions and thoughts

Mindfulness                Being aware of choices, reactions, and being present in the moment

Empathy                      Having understanding and sympathy

Kindness                     Being gentle and benevolent

Compassion                 Having consideration, empathy and benevolence with another

Perseverance               Having determination and endurance towards something important

Cooperation                Aligning yourself with your goal and acting in your best interest

 NOTE:  This is the part where people often say something like “I don’t deserve this” or some other negative self-talk.  Here is something to think about:

You can decide you are worth it and deserve it.  You may seriously need to reconsider that you give away your value when you do this.  This is an opportunity to try something new!!!

Worksheet for the Contract with Myself

Define your goals in terms of behaviors you can see and know when and how you are doing them.

Set a destination.  What is something you want to accomplish?

Without goals, and plans to reach them, you are like a ship that has set sail with no destination. Fitzhugh Dodson

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What is something that is necessary for you to do to reach that goal?

Start by doing what’s necessary, then what’s possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible. Francis of Assisi

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1.  What are you willing to believe about yourself to make this happen?

To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe. Anatole France

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Why change now? If you could picture your change, imagine it.

If not us, who? If not now, when?  John F. Kennedy

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What is something I am able to do or something I am that can help me?

They are able because they think they are able. Virgil

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What is something that I am willing to do to help myself?

We all have ability. The difference is how we use it.  Stevie Wonder

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Exercise 52:  My Personal Creed

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So long as there is breath in me, that long I will persist. For now I know one of the greatest principles on success; if I persist long enough I will win. Og Mandino

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It is important to know what you stand for and what you believe.  These are your operating rules and that are your “blueprint” for living.  In this exercise, think about these and write your rules:

 I believe:  

The rules for relationships with me:

What is important to me, and how I stay mindful of my goals?

My statement about living congruently with my values and  being in charge of me and my life in the present:

 

 

Change can either challenge or threaten us. Your beliefs pave your way to success or block you.
Marsha Sinetar

Create a life that is based on your values, in line with your desired outcome.  Change is hard, shifting from a psychological victim (reactive, negative, passive, closed, narrow, unwilling) to a psychological survivor position (active, proactive, responsible, open, willing, solid boundaries), is tough.  You must allow yourself to be your own first line of defense.  It means creating a new value system, being willing to challenge the automatic negative belief system from the past.  It means being kind, open, being a student of something new, a student of yourself and seeking opportunities to try something new.

Create peace today my friend.  Kammie

Wednesday Challenge: Who is running your life?

Hello.  Coming off of vacation and trying to catch up……..sorry for the delay on the Wednesday Challenge.  But here it is.   Drum roll please……………..how much of your time and life investment is eaten up by your symptoms?  All those behaviors which consume you, get in the way of relationships and things you want to be involved in?  

I was talking with someone, for purposes of this discussion, I will call her ANA SIB (catchy huh?),  the other day, and the conversation focused on the amount of time spent thinking about, being consumed with, and participating in symptomatic self-destructive behavior.   Even during our discussion, ANA SIB commented about the intrusive thoughts about injuring or other behaviors and when she could do them. 

Ironically, she also talked about being alone, afraid, hopeless and panicky or numb.  She didn’t know if the pattern went in the order of FEELING-URGES-THOUGHTS-ACTION, or THOUGHTS-URGES-FEELINGS-URGES………………….  you get the drift – the chicken or the egg.  Any time there was a human moment, where she had a real human experience, the fuse seemed to be lit, and in ANA SIB’s mind, the only “logical” end of this sequence was to engage in self-destructive behavior.  These acts, then caused guilt, shame, disappointment, pride, empowerment and numbness.  Very confusing for her.  She ended up recreating the same experiences over and over.  Although the recent past wasn’t as awful as her childhood, she kept recreating relationships, interactions, situations, and moments where her past was recreated in her present. Not only confusing, but painful.

What the point of this discussion is, is that she could identify that even in the moment in discussion with me, she chose to be in her head, having a different interaction.  These internal interactions cause a narrowing of experience, and a disconnect from the present moment.  While for childhood trauma abuse survivors or survivors of chaotic or abusive situations, this pattern or mechanism may have provided a way to survive the worst, in the present moment (RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT) – the past is being superimposed on the present.  The response sequence is, as it where, OUT OF TIME.  If you are sitting here reading this (in the present), those moments are not here, and so to be “triggered” into responding in that behavioral sequence, it is a response to something that doesn’t exist in this moment, e.g., OUT OF SYNC IN TIME. 

How much time do you spend preoccupied, planning, strategizing about being engaged in your self-destructive behaviors or actions?  Do you practice these self-defeating behaviors while trying to connect in the present moment?  Do your filters only allow you to look through a past that doesn’t exist any longer?  Are you having relationships with your own mind, body and the world that are based in the present, grounded and connected?  Or are your relationships about reinforcing self-destructive behaviors and patterns?  Do you constantly re-create old patterns in your relationships with the world, others and your self and then wonder why you always “feel like” a failure?  (Remember, feelings aren’t facts, they are cues to tell us something important is going on and we need to get into our head, get grounded and check it out.)

If you were willing to have a moment where you were willing to interrupt the pattern of being in your head, contemplating engaging in self-destructive behaviors, what would being connected to the present be like for you?  Would you look at this moment as a new creation?  Would you look clearly in the face of someone who cared for and respected you?  Would you be willing to look at your body without judgment or intent to bring harm to it? 

If you were willing to keep your eye on your goal of being healthy, creating calm and peace today, and think your way through the moment, do you think your self-destructive behaviors might lose their appeal? 

What you see depends on what you’re looking for. Source Unknown

So with that, I’d like to ask you, are you managing your life?  Or is some self-destructive automatic sequence driving it with you in the passenger’s seat screaming about feeling out of control?  Now, that is not to say challenging negative behaviors and interrupting destructive patterns is easy or simple….indeed, it will fight back.  Habits, especially old automatic ones, die slowly, and have the gusto of dry grasslands during the dry season when fires start. 

My challenge to you is this:  Today for a moment, be willing to own your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  Clear your view towards being healthier, and then act as if you are running your life.  Unchoose feeding the self-destructive urges, in this moment – they aren’t helpful to you.  These urges will lie to you like a toddler telling you they aren’t tired, when in fact anyone within 5 miles can see they are indeed of a much needed nap.  They will pull on you, and wait for you to let your guard down.  If in this moment, you keep your eye on that goal of being healthy, and you are willing to say “NO” to your urges, negative thoughts and unhealthy behaviors, and choose instead to make a decision in your own best interest, what do you think this moment would be like for you?

Please let me know who is running your life?  YOU, ANA SIB, her twin sister BULA SIB, their awfully behaved cousin CeeDee SIB, or one of the rest of the awful clan?   I hope you have at least one minute of YOU managing yourself, a moment of creating a new moment towards a new pattern.  Create a moment where you are fully in charge of your existence, connected in the present moment. 

Create peace, choose well.  Let me know what works for you on your journey today – Kammie