Wednesday Challenge: Un-wagging the dog

Wednesday Challenge: Un-wagging the dog.

Wednesday Challenge: Un-wagging the dog

There is an old saying about “the tail wagging the dog” which, if I understand it correctly means that often time things get so busy or chaotic, that the action itself drives ones’ life, as compared to living a life that is mindful, focused and purposeful. That was my day yesterday, the perfect storm of the list I “had to” do, and those items I hadn’t done, and those demands for my time and attention. I’m sure this situation is pretty common for many of us. I went to bed very tired, having been wagged by my tail allllll day long! My reflection was that I didn’t want to be living my life sooo busy that I didn’t get to experience it fully or richly, or at the cost of being present with the people, places and things in it, or at the cost of not being present within myself in the moment. I didn’t want to be a person doing, I wanted to be a person BEING. But, I also have obligations, goals, responsibilities….. What happens when we loose our balance?? How does that happen so very quickly?

Here’s the dilemma, we live purposefully, creating a mindful path, which brings us opportunities, which creates movement, which can begin to pick up, and create a cycle that builds upon itself. So we roll along, and often it picks up speed, and can generate more speed, energy and demand to keep moving. Many people fall into this trap, and the chaos of real, perceived and self-imposed obligations which create chaos, which can create increasing internal intensity, and overwhelm. Which so many people then find themselves driven into negative, self-destructive or other self-defeating behaviors to manage that internal intensity and overwhelm. Notice the pattern? Notice the chaos, which then drives one to begin the “wag”, which both creates and maintains the pattern?

Whew………..The tail begins to wag the dog. We get up earlier, stay up later, work through lunch and breaks, have less time with family, cut corners, here, cut corners there….faster, faster, more externally focused and driven to meet a master, who is a beast of our making.

The reality is that sometimes, okay, most of the time, this is of my own doing. There is the truth. My schedule and obligations are not my master, the master of my life, my keeper, nor are my defining foundation. This is, to a larger control, of how I manage my obligations, my scheduling, my presence and involvement.

So what about this idea of being present and involved? This means being mindful and aware of my true goal of living in congruence with my foundational core values. This also means practicing, on a pretty regular basis, the foundational core values and creating moments in your life when this happens. Okay, I’m not perfect at this. My wagging tail gets me thrown off my own course because it is moving so darn fast, and my drive to finish the tasks on my list often keeps me so caught up in being goal driven that I forget to slow myself down and breathe, and ask what is it in this moment that I want to create for myself in my life?  How do I manifest that in this moment?  If I want to be healthier, then in this moment how do I do this?? 

Before we go on, stop judging yourself – I can just hear the groans of “I don’t deserve this”, and guess what – you can stop this self-defeating and constant negative evaluation yourself!!! Just stop with that, be kind, let it go, it isn’t helpful to you. Others who challenge your VALUE or WORTH perhaps shouldn’t be in your life at all. That “wag” pattern is not at all helpful, necessary, reasonable, respectful, necessary, appropriate, healthy or accurate. You have value as a human based on the fact that you exist. PERIOD, end of story. YOU determine the quality of your existence and YOU determine the way you respond to the world, to others, and live within your body, mind, and your world. And finally, YOU get to DEFINE yourself, a lovely fluid, ever evolving definition of a person in the process of evolving, growing and being and becoming YOU. The goal of your life is to be YOU, the privilege of being you is YOU get to live your life, with the benefits and consequences of your choices, and to create your life. You can impact your life, taking a psychological survivor position, can create a wonderfully full and amazing series of moments, which build into amazing days, weeks,….a lifetime.

I think this is not an all-or-not issue or practice. I think that it is important that I give myself a break from time to time, and know that I am not a victim of my own life. [Caveat here, there are things we don’t have control of, and it is important to understand that sometimes things are out of our control and crash into or insinuate themselves into our life, but we do have an option of how we respond to them]. That I have some obligations that I’ve choosen to take on, but in taking these on, I have an obligation to my own health and sanity too. It is my responsibility to balance my life and to know what I have goals about my physical well-being, managing my relationships with my internal world and relationships with the people, places and things in my life. It is my responsibility to be mindful about my choices and how I manage the obligations in my life. And, it is my responsibility to be my own advocate.

Two concepts here that are important in the managing my life that I have to keep in constant awareness to help me keep to my “true north”, keeping on my intended path towards being as healthy and living in congruence in my aspirational goals. They both fall under the idea of being mindful, aware and present as I live, and review my life’s choices and their outcomes, with honesty and integrity as the foundation of keeping me true to course.

Honesty is when I tell you, or someone else, the truth. Integrity is when I tell myself the truth. Which requires me to be compassionate, objective, fair, and data-driven in my feedback as I review my day as I wind-down from the day. I try to use this information then as focal points for the next day’s focus to keep in mind. Just picking that one thing to keep my mind on during the day keeps things managable. I think it is very difficult and overwhelming when we try to do do many changes at once, that is certainly discouraging to me. I try to be as compassionate with myself as I would be with anyone else.

So today Thursday, my focus is to just slow down and breathe, taking a moment to be present as I zip through my day. Yesterday, Wednesday, was sooo fast, it got away from me. For those of you who emailed or messaged me about missing this post, thank you for your encouragement and support! And, thank you for your grace in understanding the human moments which are common to us all.

The grace I give, to myself and to others, is the grace that comes back. I must have courage to be imperfect, to learn from my mistakes, and to step forward with my minds’eye focused on what I’d like to accomplish in my life while standing on my foundation. That foundation is my blueprint and map. When I’m too busy, I lose my footing. So, slowing down and breathing and centering myself, gives me an opportunity to regain my footing and stop the avalanche of craziness that my too-zealous tail wagging creates.

Create peace for yourself in a couple of moments today. If it seems you are too busy, it is okay to evaluate, and decide if these obligations are too much or too many. Guess what, you get to define this to some extent. The quality of your life, to a very large extent, is up to you. Today, the quality of my life is going to be calm and I am going to be present in my body, in my world and in my interactions with my world. I’m going to breathe and experience the breath as it enters my body and then exhale it gently out, letting go of that which is no longer necessary.

That’s my challenge today. A day late, and I’m okay with that, truly okay.

The self is not something that one finds. It’s something one creates. Thomas Szasz
The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.Joseph Campbell
All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact. William James
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.  Buddha

Wednesday Challenge: Creating an Opportunity

What if on this last day of the year, each of us decided to let go of that which is no longer useful to us? To see the opportunity for peaceful existence with our minds, bodies and souls? Our internal and external worlds co-existing in a way that created a peaceful place to exist and make healthy use of opportunities we create or are given? What if we stopped waging those internal wars, moved away from those external anchors that we allow, through our reactions and emotional ties, to weigh us down? What if we instead decided to be present in our own company? What if we decide to actually be a friend to ourself and were willing to value ourself?

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. Ralph Waldo Emerson

What if standing present in our own company we allowed ourselves to treat ourself with no less respect, compassion, concern or thoughtfulness than we would a true friend? What if we actually demonstrated respect enough that we actually honored our own body, mind and soul? That we hold ourselves accountable, gently and with respect, to actually being healthy and at peace with ourselves? This doesn’t mean that sometimes, if you are a kid, that your parents can’t give you directions, or provide consequences or limit what you want to do. There may be some real wisdom in their rules, directions and limits. It isn’t about doing what you want every single second of every single day, and getting what you want and never being challenged or disappointed. Each of has to learn to recognize real true limits in our lives, and treat those with respect and that they aren’t a challenge to our self-definition; and distinguish from those challenges to our existence or self-definition, such as abusiveness, bullying, or cruelty. These two are very different, but many people treat them as exactly the same. If you believe that you should be able to do whatever you want, whenever and however you want, and that other people should ‘respect’ that, then your thinking might very well be distorted. Sorry. But that isn’t what I’m talking about today. So, if your parent or your boss sets an expectation on you, that is probably an obligation in the relationship that is pretty reasonable. Stop warring with those. Actually, those moments might be an opportunity to demonstrate how competent, capable and able you are to handle such challenges.

The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is: that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won’t.
Henry Ward Beecher

If we did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves.
Thomas Edison

Ability is what you’re capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it. Lou

You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through. Rosalynn Smith Carter

In this moment, on the path to a new year, are you willing to review the last year for its lessons learned and then incorporate your wisdom to actually create a life you want and are willing to be a part of daily? What if you were willing to stop the war over this arbitrary idea of self-esteem (or lack thereof)? I watch people create these lives that cause all sorts of consequences for themselves, and they are truly surprised that things are really awful. Instead of looking at their own part of that ‘if I do X, then Y is going to happen’, they assume that the awfulness they created must be about ‘what a terrible person I am’. That fiction, that lie, will keep you going nowhere. If you are willing to look at the fact that very often you actually do have a choice of how you can CHOOSE to respond, and you can actually create a new path. In this moment are you willing to look yourself in the eye and say, “HEY YOU, YOU DESERVE BETTER FOR YOURSELF THAN YOU HAVE BEEN GIVING YOURSELF?”

Our plans miscarry because they have no aim. When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind. Seneca

Man is a goal seeking animal. His life only has meaning if he is reaching out and striving for his goals. Aristotle

Aristotle speaks of CREATING a meaningful life. YOU GET TO DO THIS TOO!! Creating meaning for your own life – wow that is something!!! Step by step. Each day a new opportunity, each evening an eve to another day, another opportunity to try something new. A new opportunity is given to us in each moment to create something special in our life and our own existence.

Great minds have purposes, others have dreams. Washington Irving

First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.
Epictetus

What if, in the new year, you mindfully stayed present and you mindfully choose your words, actions and even your thoughts? I know, you might be thinking, “but my thoughts are automatic! I can’t stop them!!” Okay – but you can….wait a second, deep breath….YOU CAN CHOOSE HOW YOU RESPOND TO YOUR OWN THOUGHTS!!! You can choose to say to yourself, “wait a minute, calm down…let me think, if I want to create a [insert your goal here] then I need to [insert different action].” Look at them, recognize them, then decide how you want to manage them. They may not be truths, they may be lies you’ve been told, you’ve told yourself or distortions of the truth. What if your own voice was the one you allowed yourself to be your internal guide, the one that takes in many points of view, compares them to your values and your core foundational values and desired goal? Most of us are afraid of goal setting, not because of the goals, but because of fear of movement, fear of failure of attaining them, that someone (who we give power to their words) will laugh at us about them. Guess what….their truth does not have to be your truth. And, while we are on the topic of accountability…is your ‘truth’, the one you so diligently fight for, is it an opportunity to be really helpful to you? Are you your biggest bully? Are you missing opportunities to treat yourself with respect, dignity and honor? For what??? A way to prove that you are that horrible, awful, being that you fear you are? What craziness we engage in sometimes, being that which we fear – but only if it is awful and painful??? It seems we fear to be something we hope to be, loving, lovable, funny, bright, imperfect yet enough? We refuse to be us, me, I, as enough. Yet, we give it away to others so freely.

Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved. William Jennings Bryan

“But it is soooooo hard!” Okay true. It is difficult. But, give yourself some credit, you do hard things all the time. You curse at yourself, you damage yourself, you defeat yourself, you [insert whatever the negative stuff you do here]. Face it, you defeat yourself very often because you are afraid of something OUT THERE beating you to it. All this challenge is asking you to do is to look at yourself as having the possibility of doing something that actually helps the pain in your heart, soul and body. Sounds so simple that I know it is really complicated. But we complicate things more than we need too huh?  What if your eye were set on creating an opportunity to become more than you are in this moment, in some small way, to be more patient, self-respecting, honoring, kind, strong, capable, competent, able, truthful, responsible, accountable…..and the list goes on.  What if you seized this moment as an opportunity to act in line with what you want for yourself? That you could create peace, acceptability, honor, integrity, strength, attending to the important, letting the noise fall away.

People seldom see the halting and painful steps by which the most insignificant success is achieved. Anne Sullivan

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. John Wooden

So simply stated, on this eve on a new year, let’s make it even easier, on this eve of a new day….
1. Know what you want for yourself in at least a general way. For example, I want to create peace in myself, or I want to recognize my negative automatic thoughts so I can make different choices, or even, I choose to nourish my mind, body and soul with healthy nourishment, I choose to treat myself with respect and dignity, which means I give myself permission to exist.
2. I will practice respect, compassion, willingness, honor, self-respect ….. etc. You know, so many of those things you treat others with (especially some of those people who don’t deserve it).
3. I will rise above those who aim at harming my name or my reputation. I don’t need to invest in those who have nothing but bad or evil intentions for me, or with those relationships where the rule is that I have to be unhealthy or self-destructive.

Without goals, and plans to reach them, you are like a ship that has set sail with no destination. Fitzhugh Dodson

I feel that the most important step in any major accomplishment is setting a specific goal. This enables you to keep your mind focused on your goal and off the many obstacles that will arise when you’re striving to do your best.
Kurt Thomas

Life’s up and downs provide windows of opportunity to determine your values and goals. Think of using all obstacles as stepping-stones to build the life you want. Marsha Sinetar

In this eve of a new day, seriously, think about holding yourself to a higher standard of being yourself. For heaven’s sake, be willing to allow yourself to have some direction or desired outcome that allow you to create a life for yourself that you are excited for and about and love!!!! (Catch that automatic – but I don’t deserve it! Notice you are the only one there saying it!!!) Let go of the wars you wage with the world. Let go of your fear of the external evaluations of others – most of whom you really don’t care about nor do they really know or honor you!!! Believe it or not, you have nothing to prove!! You, by virtue of your humanity, have value and you, by virtue of your humanity, have the privilege of creating yourself. Just one thing to thing about, please don’t create yourself in the form of warring against some externally imposed ‘standard’ of what you are ‘supposed’ to be. You are…supposed to be you, in process of being you every day of your existence. You get to change, grow, evolve, develop, through your creation, through your experiences, and evaluations of those experiences of fitting or not fitting for you. Be wise though, some choices and decisions, you can’t take back or undo. Create an opportunity that you will honor and look back on and see the growth, the benefit and the gain by taking that path!

It’s simply a matter of doing what you do best and not worrying about what the other fellow is going to do.
John R. Amos

There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.
Christopher Morley

Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.
William Feather

So, think about your thinking. Think about your actions. Identify your values. Give yourself permission to create a peaceful existence for yourself in your body, in your world. Yes, I know there is evil out there. I know there are people who bring hurt, pain, disappointment, and fear into our lives. Those who bully, shame, tell us lies about our “value”, using our pain to fuel their fire and power. AND….you my friend, can rise above it. The truth you allow yourself to believe, the truth you know, the respect you give yourself, the way you honor yourself and your life, is about you. Rise above the mess. Walk separate from those who are on a path that isn’t right for you. Don’t join groups where the rule is that you have to wage war against something (usually your body, your own life or dignity), you have to be on the verge of self-destruction, or actively being self-destructive, in order to be a member of it.

Be the friend you want to have yourself, for yourself. On this eve of a new day:

1. Know what you want to create for yourself.

2. Honor that, respect it, and GO FOR IT!

3. Let the noise of the detractors fall into oblivion. Know those who care for and about you, from those who care more about themselves, or a negative cause (self-destruction, suicide, etc.).

4. If you are willing to have core values about what you believe you stand for, you have an idea of what you are trying to create, and you are willing to practice it, have courage and move in that direction.

5. Try a step at a time. Changing patterns is difficult. It is easier if you know why you are doing what you are doing. Be willing to keep trying when it is tough, when you trip up, and when it doesn’t momentarily work the way you intended.

6. On this eve of a new day, be willing to create yourself, be willing to treat yourself with respect and honor your own life, your own being and hold yourself on course with kindness, encouragement, accountability and honor.

In my experience, there is only one motivation, and that is desire. No reasons or principle contain it or stand against it. Jane Smiley

We would accomplish many more things if we did not think of them as impossible. C. Malesherbes

Throughout the centuries there were men who took first steps down new roads armed with nothing but their own vision. Ayn Rand

Strong lives are motivated by dynamic purposes. Kenneth Hildebrand

Create your life today, one that you own, the good and bad, the successes and challenges, the lessons learned. Embrace the moment, breathe it in. Honor your body as it is the vessel through which you interact with the world around you. Treat your thoughts with caution, skeptically examining them for truth. Know the values you stand on and for, that will give you a solid basis on which to stand to look at and examine the world. Respect your feelings and reactions as cues that something important is happening, but evaluate them for truth and authenticity. Treat yourself with respect, honor yourself, hold your head high. Accept that you are a person of value, period.  You create the definition through the choices you make daily to care about yourself, how you manage the challenges in your life, and how you treat yourself, those you love and the honorable way you life your life in purpose of something, and go create a moment of your own existence. Create a moment you value. Let go of the internal voices that aren’t helpful, let go of giving value to those people whose voices which are not helpful and are destructive in your life. Have a moment where you honor yourself. Then another. You are the author of your own life. You are the creator of the next thought, action and feeling you have every single second.

There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul.
Ella Wheeler Wilco

Don’t let go of your dreams. If you have determination and belief in your dreams, you will succeed in spite of your desire to let go.
Catherine Pulsifer

What will you allow yourself to become on the eve of this next moment? What opportunities will you take on and create for yourself? It is a gift you give yourself, a gift that will evolve with you. An opportunity is a gift each new moment brings us.

Create peace, k