It would seem that we seem so surprised when we have reasonable, expectable and human responses to situations in our lives. And people who use self-destructive behaviors to cope, seem to have an intolerance to their own experiences, reactions and feelings. As humans, we often feel that life is random, yet if we think from DATA gathered in our lives, there is less randomness than we think. For those of you who have been struggling with self-destructiveness, self-injury, disordered eating and high risk behaviors, one thing many people attempt to do is to use these behaviors to feel something, to numb out, to connect, to communicate and to stay alive. But here’s the lie – you are feeling something anyway!!! The emotions, the human emotions, are with you even with the behaviors; and you are left with the awful hangover that comes when your clarity returns. So very often the present is then colored by our past experiences, and we get reality from looking inward, comparing it automatically with our past experiences, beliefs and attitudes, that we lose track of the experiences in the present that don’t match our past ones. This is why it is so important to be grounded and in the present moment, connected, taking in information about this moment and this experience.
There is an objective reality out there, but we view it through the spectacles of our beliefs, attitudes, and values. ~David G. Myers
We often wish the feelings would lift and fight them, often directing the energy towards yourself, inward, or onto others, outward. But, time passes, the cycle continues, and hopelessness, despair, and apprehension about continuing sets in. It seems to get worse than better. We are so surprised that we have feelings and reactions, and try to will them away.
So before this continues downward, I would like to offer you somethings to think about today, and apply tomorrow:
1. Feelings are cues, they tell you something important is happening. They tell you that something important enough is happening that you need to get into your head, and evaluate the accuracy of your perceptions and the appropriateness of your reactions.
2. Feelings are NORMAL HUMAN experiences, with reactions taking in information about the world.
3. Your feelings and reactions are okay, it is what you do (your actions)with them that determines if you are safe or not.
4. Feelings have a beginning, middle and an end. The middle often SUCK! Your job is to tolerate the middle, or as I often tell my clients, to sit through the suck. That is the building of TOLERANCE.
Feelings can’t hurt you, what you do about them might though.
5. Perhaps you are having reasonable reactions, and it might be an opportunity to practice something new – allowing yourself to have a human moment. You might be grieving, you might be angry, you might be….. I don’t know, you don’t even have to know what it is.
6. VALIDATING that you are having a human moment is so important. Often we look to others to validate that we are having the “right” experience or reaction. Until you are willing to honor and validate your own experience, your own pain, your own validity as a human, with rights, dignity, boundaries, opinions, worth, thoughts, spirit, soul and body, you will experience your own feelings and emotions and experiences as FOREIGN! HERE IS AN IMPORTANT TRUTH: WHEN YOU BEGIN TO HONOR YOUR OWN FEELINGS, THOUGHTS, AND EXPERIENCES AS VALID AND VALUABLE, YOU WILL ALSO BEGIN TO BE MORE ABLE TO VALUE YOUR BODY, SPIRIT, EXISTANCE AND LIFE. WHEN YOU HONOR AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOUR EXPERIENCES MATTER, YOU CREATE A MOMENT WHERE YOU MATTER. WHEN YOU CREATE A MOMENT WHERE YOU MATTER, AND YOU DO IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER, IT BECOMES A HABIT. WHEN YOU DO A HABIT OVER AND OVER AND OVER, IT BECOMES A LIFE STYLE. A LIFESTYLE OF TOLERANCE, VALIDATION AND HONORING YOURSELF.
7. You have nothing to prove about the intensity of your pain, sorrow, grief, or whatever mood experience is passing through. They just are. Period. They are real, and that is enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone. If other people don’t validate or acknowledge your experiences, that might say something abou them, or about the relationship. You have to communicate clearly and directly though, don’t expeect people to read your mind or just know what is going on with you. Your experiences are your own, get in your head and check them out, give them validity, own them, but check them out to see if they actually match the experience you are in at present. Often we merge past and present, bringing the pain and suffering from past experience in the present moment. This creates a long event, versus separating past and present.
Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. Maria Robinson
We think too small. Like the frog at the bottom of the well. He thinks the sky is only as big as the top of the well. If he surfaced, he would have an entirely different view.
Mao Tse-Tung
We would rather be ruined than changed;
We would rather die in our dread
Than climb the cross of the moment
And let our illusions die.
W.H. Auden
When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed-door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
Helen Keller
So your challenge is to consider allowing yourself to:
1. Acknowledge your own reactions as valid and as cues that something important is going on and you should pay attention to it.
2. Get in your head, and check out the data, do your reactions match the present moment? Are you perhaps merging past into present? Are your reactions reasonable, human, accurate?
4. Are you by chance angry, grieving, sad, disappointed? Are your reactions about things that really are HUMAN to have reactions about, such as abuse, loss, pain, anger or disappointment in something or towards someone? It is ok to have your reactions and not take it out on yourself!
5. So, here is the big one, are you willing to allow yourself to sit through the middle, to be compassionate and honor your experience with kindness, support or taking care of yourself? Are you willing to tolerate your own experience, and honor your body, mind and soul as you allow this to work through?
6. Are you willing to keep your eye on your present moment, with hope and endurance to move through it? Many of you have been through so much, that if you look at it, the real painful and dangerous events you have endured are done. Your goal, now that you have survived into this moment, is to work on embracing the present and create opportunities for healing, for growth and movement. That is hope that you create.
Feelings have a beginning, middle and end. I hope that you will tolerate the middle, you can determine what happens next, you are that powerful.
Create peace for yourself, you are more powerful than you know. k
That is a lot of great advice!!! Just the fact that your took the time to reply in length is very kind but too the words truly helped!
~L
You are welcome! I hope they help you in your journey. See, the present is already different!
Create peace,
Kammie
Such a powerful read… A reminder of what I know to be true… My searching question is how does one who suffered from PTSD cope when post and present (present being the post literally coming to reality not just in your head but…) never mind, this girl just can’t find words to ask what she’s searching for. It’s hard to have PTSD and be face to face with the aftermath and you be the one that thinks its on your shoulders to do he right thing…. Seeing, knowing, suppressing, remembering, haunted and then finally years later justice is here to seek and it all lies on your memory and strength…. I’m so tired and I feel like I’m in a movie… Idk
I think I will just have to keep re reading these reminders and resting.
Thank you for your kind comment on my blog! … It was so very thoughtful to take the time to share your words.
Hello,
I can offer you a few things to think about, and if any of them provide you some support – please use them! Someone who cares about you deeply suggested I check out your blog, and it was a privilege to read your words. I am glad that you allowed my words to be helpful.
Your searching question – let’s start there. I’d offer you to remember, you have already survived the worst part. Today is different from those times, and your working on staying grounded, connected and involved in your life, is a critical foundation to keep that orientation and focus. The goal is to manage in the present, to be present, to stay connected in your moment. Your focus is to create a present different than your past. Your past, those wounds and injuries, are a reference point, but your survival (emphasis on SURVIVAL) today is a tribute to your journey, your strength, your courage and perserverance. You may have injuries and wounds in your soul and spirit, but you have strength and power beyond what you know. I’d encourage you grieve, to allow some of the sorrow, pain, disappointment, anger OR WHATEVER you experience pass through your soul. It’s kind of like trying to keep a sneeze or a burp in, sorry for the crude example, but it works. We can’t stifle it, it is a process that starts, builds, expresses, then subsides. Unfortunately, we become distressed when feelings are uncomfortable, then we build distress, fearing and having apprehension for any form of emotion, we grow to fear any human experience. You have the right to mourn, to grieve, to experience whatever you experience. Believe it or not, the feelings, those experiences can’t harm you, only if you act on them can. Your allowing your body to heal itself emotionally means allowing those emotional experiences to have their middle and ends, but if you keep circumventing the beginning, you’ll be stuck there for a really long time, and each moment merges with the next.
I hope you are working with a therapist familiar with PTSD and trauma to walk with you during this tough time. Don’t walk alone, it’s not necessary. Your writings are full of beauty and wisdom, such a gift. The pain doesn’t define you. You define yourself, you are the author of your own life. You’ve endured a great deal, and that suggests that you have strength you can use to live your life TODAY, separating the pain of the past from the beauty you craft in the present. Your ghosts, the hauntings you experience, work with someone who can help you understand them, but keep your feet in the present, the goal is to manage the present as a thriving survivor.
I hope you’ll keep checking out our discussions here. There are so many wise contributors who offer wisdom, support and share their struggles and successes. Walk with us if you’d like. You are stronger than you know, peace, k
could you do me a favor please? could you go to untitledmoments dot com and tell my friend L that she can get through this dark time, that she can do it? she needs all of us right now. it would be so much appreciated! thank you!
Sure! No problem. Hope all works out well.
k
Thanks both of you.
i’ve re-read your comments a handful of times. Now to let it sink in….
Acceptance can be a hard thing. Keep your desired outcome in mind, then make decisions that help you move towards it. Mindfulness is a way to honor your strength, intelligence and wisdom.
You are welcome, create peace in your life, k
For years when one works so hard to keep the emotions in check and under control, it becomes a habit to shut down. Shutting down is a protective measure that is used to keep the past from creating muck in the present and keeping things more in control, but the falicy is that it doesn’t help pus work through the muck, it just means when the muck comes, one has a way to avoid it. But as you describe it today, you are aware of how shutting down isn’t helpful. One uses it to avoid feeling pain, anger, confusion, etc. What feels crappy on the client’s side of the couch can be seen on the therapists side as movement towards healing. I used to tease my counselor and would say, “Sure your over there excited by the movement” but on my side of the couch it feels like crap and I don’t enjoy it one bit. How would anyone see that as a positive?” But to actually feel crap and not run from it was huge progress for myself. Healing and change will happen when we are aware of the patterns and make the decision that we will challenge ourself to change old patters that don’t bring us relief but make the process stay stuck. Learning to practice the opposite is uncomfortable. Remember, feelings and thoughts are not who we are. They are not in control, we are. It is usually not enough to WANT to change, but we must JOIN in the process to change. Your awareness you speak of is wondeful growth. Although it it doesn’t feel like winning the lottery, in some sense you have won the lottery in your willingness to see things different, try something different, and not give up. You seem to be on the path of healing, which is in itself, the lottery of life. Good Luck and it sounds as your counselor is one who is helpful to you.
Reblogged this on myendlessreasons and commented:
As usual, eerily appropriate.
This made me smile. Ironically a lot of times the ideas come from what I’ve been observing, interacting with, hearing about or experiencing myself and with those in my own life and practice. Perhaps we are having some human experiences huh?
Peace, k
The timeliness was astounding. Therapy yesterday was what i deemed a mess, but upon further inspection, was actually rather positive. instead of saying something about feeling pushed too far, i shut down (shut down= totally lost in my own head, trying to ward off a panic attack, non verbal, not quite dissociated). Now, in therapy past, i’ve been called non-compliant or manipulative when i’m in this state (which has always seemed totally unfair).. This was the first episode w/ the new guy, and he didn’t say anything remotely like that! instead, he saw it as a means of coping w/ what you’d call “the suck”. Sure, not the best option, but it’s not destructive and it works. He waited and as i got out of that head space i was able to talk through what led me there and what it was like to be there… which is not at all the outcome i’m used to. Not to mention what i need in that moment and what i don’t. Overall, it was fairly positive (miserable at the time, though).
For years when one works so hard to keep the emotions in check and under control, it becomes a habit to shut down. Shutting down is a protective measure that is used to keep the past from creating muck in the present and keeping things more in control, but the falicy is that it doesn’t help pus work through the muck, it just means when the muck comes, one has a way to avoid it. But as you describe it today, you are aware of how shutting down isn’t helpful. One uses it to avoid feeling pain, anger, confusion, etc. What feels crappy on the client’s side of the couch can be seen on the therapists side as movement towards healing. I used to tease my counselor and would say, “Sure your over there excited by the movement” but on my side of the couch it feels like crap and I don’t enjoy it one bit. How would anyone see that as a positive?” But to actually feel crap and not run from it was huge progress for myself. Healing and change will happen when we are aware of the patterns and make the decision that we will challenge ourself to change old patters that don’t bring us relief but make the process stay stuck. Learning to practice the opposite is uncomfortable. Remember, feelings and thoughts are not who we are. They are not in control, we are. It is usually not enough to WANT to change, but we must JOIN in the process to change. Your awareness you speak of is wondeful growth. Although it it doesn’t feel like winning the lottery, in some sense you have won the lottery in your willingness to see things different, try something different, and not give up. You seem to be on the path of healing, which is in itself, the lottery of life. Good Luck and it sounds as your counselor is one who is helpful to you.
J,
I think it is so important to reiterate your words here about trying something different. That is what therapy is about, trying something different, to move towards a different moment and current experience. And the mindset of change will most certainly include a shift of tolerating your emotions and allowing yourself different emotional experiences while considering a DIFFERENT range of options, some of which don’t include being self-destructive.
Thanks for your wisdom,
k
Before I made the hard decision to leave my abusive relationship 12 months ago, I osillated between feelings of self-blame and anger toward the abuser. Self-blame simply made me ill and often resulted in burying my head in my pillow and wasting away my days in bed wishing something would change, wishing he’d just die or kill me in the middle of the night. The anger I felt toward him did the same thing. It wasn’t until I looked outside of myself and aksed, “If I was my mother, what would I say to me? What would I tell myself to do?” That’s when I woke up and walked out, never to return. I still struggle with coming to terms with why I allowed myself to be manipulated and emotionally abused for so long (3 years) and why I went back multiple times. I think it has a lot to do with how I viewed other past relationships that ended on healthy notes. I desperately wanted this one to end healthy. But how can something end healthy when it didn’t even begin in a healthy place? I’m beating myself up less and less over choices I made related to this experience. Thanks for the post.
Paula,
What an amazing post! You provided an example of exactly what I was hoping to convey, you honored your own experience, acknowledged and validated your thoughts, feelings and experiences, and then got in your head and evaluated it. Thank you for giving us such a great example.
You’ve had past relationships that were good, ended fairly well. Your frame of reference was that, and you took responsibility in this relationship to try to improve things. Good for you, that is taking responsibility for yourself. The piece you might have missed is that you didn’t look at the relationship as an entity of its own. The relationship entity might not be able to work because what you were putting in and able to take out of it wasn’t balanced by what the other person was giving and taking. Often, when we care about the other person and arrange our lives with theirs, we forget to look at the RELATIONSHIP itself, and begin to assume too much responsibility for it. You don’t sound like you give up or quit easily, good for you!! That suggests you have perserverance, strength, endurance and hope. Here is what I’d encourage you do think about, it is absolutely okay to walk away when the costs of staying outweigh the benefits of staying; when the contributions outweigh the benefits. You can choose to stay, and you can choose to go. You get to draw that line. Good for you that you kept trying, creating new opportunities, and even better for you that you evaluated your situation, made a decision and moved on for safety and sanity sakes.
We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change. Henry Cloud
Until you do that external comparison, you are only able to draw from the close world around you. When you are living with pain, sorrow, fear, and emotional turmoil, the world gets real small, real fast.
We think too small. Like the frog at the bottom of the well. He thinks the sky is only as big as the top of the well. If he surfaced, he would have an entirely different view.
Mao Tse-Tung
You changed your world view when you did everything within your power to change yourself and your position in the relationship. Very difficult to know when to draw the line, you had the courageous position of doing that for yourself.
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. Victor Frankl
You made a choice based on data, solid information and desired outcome. Even through your fear and pain, you made a data-based decision. Tough spot to be in and yet you created a new opportunity for yourself as a result.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. Ambrose Redmoon
You changed your thinking, that allowed you to change your existance and your world.
The world we have created is a product of our thinking; it cannot be changed without changing our thinking. Albert Einstein
Today you are creating a new baseline, you are evaluating and learning from past experiences. Who knows why you ‘allowed myself to be manipulated and emotionally abused…and why I went back multiple times’? You did in part because you were trying to make it work. Your wisdom comes out in this post, and in particular in the line ‘but how can something end healthy when it didn’t even begin in a healthy place’? Great observation, if one of you is healthier than the other, unfortunately often the health in the relationship is determined somewhere in the middle. Fair question to ask what is my part, but also fair and responsible is to ask about the health of the other person and therefore the entire relationship. You learned that, unfortunately the hard way, and you made a choice that keeps you safe and healthy. You are creating a different present.
“If you want to know your past – look into your present conditions. If you want
to know your future – look into your present actions.”
– Buddhist Saying
Paula, I wish you peace, learn from your past, let go of judgments, learn from your decisions and be graceful to yourself.
Create peace, give yourself grace. You changed your path, you recognized a problem, and set a course that changed your life. You are more courageous than you know. Create peace, k