Wednesday Challenge: Ownership & Psychological Position

When one lives life inside one’s head, caught up in our thoughts, our inner world and merging past and present as a consequence, one’s world view becomes very narrow and closed. Today becomes a replay of the past, maybe with variations, but for the most part the same. People who struggle with self-destructive urges and patterns are often in such pain and anguish, have such little faith, their emotions color and distort the truth about their power, their potential and abilities. If you are someone who is struggling, own your life, reclaim it, build it, join others moving in the same direction. This is about owning the psychological position, taking a survivor position in one’s own life.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. Victor Frankl

People who engage in self injury and self destructive coping often experience the world as though it is random, when in fact, much of it is not. But, to take that psychological survivor position, one needs to be willing to be present, own your part in your life, and pay attention to data-based patterns more often than not.

What is a psychological survivor position? (taken from Daily Journaling for Self-Injury Recovery:
A Therapists’ Guide for Clients, Juzwin, AuthorHouse Publishing)

This is the attitude or POSITION that is an active psychological role you take as you go through every moment of every day. It involves how you think about and react to your world.
• A mindful psychological position one takes in their life
• It involves HOW you approach your life, how you think about your life
• That means are you:
• Reactive, emotional and avoidant?
• Explosive?
• Sensitive, passive, accepting responsibility for things that aren’t yours?
• Always expecting others to punish or hurt you?
• Someone who uses self-injury to avoid the pain that you think is coming?
• In this framework one take a psychological position or role to interact with their life as a psychological Victim or Survivor. This is a MINDFUL choice you CAN make.
• Victim: Reactive, passive, sees only a limited range of options, gives authority away, makes decisions based on “wants”, doesn’t tolerate feelings
• Survivor: Active, proactive, generates range of options, owns authority for self, makes decisions based on “needs” and “goals,” tolerates feelings, uses THINKING and self-management of reactions
• You can choose how you react. It involves thinking your way through your world, being open to new information.
• Taking a psychological SURVIVOR POSITION means:
• Thinking about what is happening around you.
• Recognizing patterns around you.
• Tolerating feelings, they tell you something is important; AND then using your thinking and keeping your eye on your goal.
• Accepting responsibility for your actions, choices and decisions.
• KNOWING WHERE YOU ARE GOING AND WHAT YOU WANT
• Making goal and value based decisions, and having your behavior match (congruency).
• Actively making decisions that are in your own best interest and help you make it to your daily goal.
• Learning from your experiences, being a student of yourself and the world around you.
• Being mindful, aware and connected in your present.
• Taking an active role in your life.

We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change. Henry Cloud

Patterns are difficult to break. This is especially true when emotions and our perceived value and self-esteem are some how connected.

There is an objective reality out there, but we view it through the spectacles of our beliefs, attitudes, and values. David G. Myers

Very often the urges and reactions to the internal emotional intensity keep us from actively choosing to be grounded, connected and present. If you are reading this because you want to be in active creation of your life or involved in the recovery-process, then you are faced with a challenge or choice point that involves you being willing to own your choices, your opinions, your actions, and in the management style you use.

Your choice, your life, your course, your mind, your body, your soul, your experience…………..

The past is a reference point; the present, a decision point; and the future, your destination point. Benjamin Disraeli said, The secret of success is constancy of purpose. What is it your eye is focused upon? What is the purpose YOU (YOU) are creating today? How are you doing it?

What are you willing to own as yours? Without judgment, without criticism, without punishment, what is yours?

Life can be pulled by goals just as surely as it can be pushed by drives.
Viktor Frankl

To reach a port, we must sail—Sail, not tie at anchor—Sail, not drift.
Franklin Roosevelt

It is not enough to take steps which may some day lead to a goal; each step must be itself a goal and a step likewise.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

So my friends, here is the challenge for Wednesday, own your life, own your present, own your choices, own the consequences of your choices. Consider what you are trying to move towards, is what you are engaged in actually in line with what you are trying to accomplish? Do you live by your values? Can you articulate what values you stand upon in your life? What are they? How does your behavior demonstrate these core values?

So a recap of the challenge:
1. Own your present, own your choices, own the consequences of your choices.
2. Identify what you are trying to create or move towards.
3. Identify at least a couple of VALUES that you want to stand upon as your foundation, and identify how your behavior demonstrates these.

Stand for a moment and be present, think your way through your life. Manage your feelings, use them as data, AND never take your eye off what you are trying to CREATE for yourself. Create a moment that is in line with your desired outcome.

Create your luck, create peace. Live with dignity, respect, honor and integrity for more than just one minute tomorrow. It is yours if you are willing to own your right to be human. Create peace, kammie

PS – Please help us reach the 5000 followers goal by March 1, 2013. No one need struggle or be in pain alone. Let’s become advocates for each other, and for those who can not or are not able yet, to speak for themselves. If you are someone who engages in self-destructive behaviors, loves or cares about someone who does, or is a provider, is in recovery, has created a new life, PLEASE PLEASE join us. No one need struggle or be in pain alone. You are more powerful than you know. Today there are 71 followers, please help us reach at least 5000. You are more powerful than you know. We are more powerful than we know. Thanks!

Wednesday Challenge: “Need” versus “Want”…

Sigh, so much new material in my head…….I went to a conference last week and heard some amazing presenters. Regardless of who spoke, the message was repeated over and over and over. Different speakers, all voicing the same message, regardless of their training, professional function or theoretical philosophy: OUR BRAINS CAN CHANGE AT THE CELLULAR LEVEL THROUGH OUR ACTIONS, PRACTICES AND HABITS.

And, if that isn’t enough to make you stand and think, consider this: NEW CONNECTIONS CAN BE MADE AND THE ACTIVITY OF THE BRAIN CAN BE ALTERED THROUGH PRACTICING NEW BEHAVIORS AND ATTITUDES. We know that even two minutes of paced, slowed focused breathing can change blood pressure, brain activity and pulse. It changes the biochemistry in the brain, and moves the individual from the flight-fight-fear-freeze mode, to being calmer, more focused, alert and aware. YOU my friend are capable of it, but you have to be willing to tolerate going against your inclination to stay the course and repeat over and over the behavior that keeps the brain (and you) stuck.

Here is what we don’t want as a status quo:

Here is what we want to create as a new status quo:

These dramatic changes can occur at a cellular level, when we change our thoughts, practices and attitudes. Joyce Hawkes is someone who has researched extensively in this area, and practices healing through changing the brain, through practice of meditation, breathwork and movement. Dr. Hawkes discusses brain changes that can occur as a result of practicing meditation and relaxation as part of daily life, habit and practice. I know, the stuff we struggle to implement. Sorry, but this kind of true change can not generally occur through one trial learning for us, but through repeated practice and incorporation into our lives. Hey, you can’t protect your teeth from cavities by brusing just once, it is a more than one time practice DAILY, across the years that creates health in that area right?
(See also Joyce Hawkes, Ph.D. just amazing stuff on Cellular Resonance http://www.celllevelhealing.com/index.html).

Ok, to reiterate:
1. OUR BRAINS CAN CHANGE AT THE CELLULAR LEVEL THROUGH OUR ACTIONS, PRACTICES AND HABITS.
2. NEW CONNECTIONS CAN BE MADE AND THE ACTIVITY OF THE BRAIN CAN BE ALTERED THROUGH PRACTICING NEW BEHAVIORS AND ATTITUDES.

The last significant point, related to our brain chemistry, is this (BIG BREATH!): we often are driven by our brain (urges) to pursue what is not good for us, BECAUSE IT “FEELS” GOOD. The other pattern we can easily get stuck in is AVOIDANCE of things we consider too painful or risky. So we have this system that is primed (PRIMED!!!!) to seek more of what FEELS GOOD, and when we attempt to change course, the brains wiring wants more of what “FEELS GOOD” regardless of the consequences, regardless of conscious thought – UNTIL WE CHANGE THE WIRING TO OVERWRITE THAT PUSHES US TO FEED THE DESIRE OF WANT TO NEED,WE WILL BE COMPELLED TO REPEAT THE ACTIONS REGARDLESS OF THE CONSEQUENCES. PERMANENT BRAIN CHANGE CAN ONLY OCCUR THROUGH REPEATED PRACTICE, ATTITUDE CHANGE, AND MORE PRACTICE! See points 1 & 2 above.

The speaker in this case, Joel Robertson, PharmD, discussed how we as humans tend to fall into two categories (I’m going to spare you all the talk on dopamine, and all its buddiesserotonin and all those brain things), where the brain is “GAS ON” or “BREAK ON” in its general make up, and how it constantly sends messages to keep on this course of full speed ahead or shut down. It does what, in essence, “FEELS GOOD” when in fact, it isn’t “GOOD” for us AT ALL!!! And it does this automatically when we lose focus of our NEEDS, our goals, and our conscious choices.

So what is the take away here for you readers and experiencers of “GAS ON” or “BREAK ON”? Here it is, in order to create a different course of action, you must be willing (my words, not his) to:
1. Recognize that what “FEELS GOOD” is actually a cue to pay attention to data, and think your way through through the urge to clarify and keep focused on WHAT YOU NEED.
2. Know what it is you are trying to create for yourself, center your mind on it, know what it is you are doing and be willing to tolerate the difficulty you will face in that battle of WANT VERSUS NEED.
3. Have a plan for what MANAGING your urges will look like. In the way we’ve talked in other posts, the metaphor is to know how you will SIT THROUGH THE SUCK, and stay focused on safety and focused on creating peace, health and hope in your life.
4. Know that what you are doing is CREATING something you not only need, but want. Or, want and absolutely need. Know that it is worthwhile and important.

When you know your focus, you can move in that direction. When you are taking in data that is not emotion based, you can change course and correct minor slips off course. What these amazing speakers where addressing what that behavioral change, which we all know sucks and is tough, over time and time and time, repeatedly practiced actually changes brain waves and creates new connections. Healing at the cellular level, changing the brain, the body, the emotional center of the brain, so that the pain is lessened, healing is occuring. And, the brain chemistry is altered. Seriously, the brain can rewire itself through your conscious efforts and actions. How great to have a different experience, creating a new present?

If you’ve read these posts you’ve probably noticed the repeated encouragement of changing behavior, being aware of the present (so as not to merge the past and present), and being aware of your thinking and action patterns. Ok, nagging is a fair word too! But, the point I’ve been trying to help you become aware of is that YOU can change your experience, your thinking, and your choices, which ultimately, over time, practice and diligent practice CHANGES YOUR BRAIN WIRING.
You heal yourself, building new connections in the brain!

Therapy can guide you to change your perspective, offer you insights to change your thinking, monitor your behaviors, help hold yourself accountable for your choices and behaviors. It can help offer you new experiences and perspectives. BUT IT IS ALL YOURS. You and you alone change your perceptions, which changes your reality. It also offers you an opportunity to CHANGE YOUR BIOLOGY!!!

OKAY. Does that make some sense? Deep breathe, because this week I’m offering you a foundation of change to consider, but you must be willing to practice this throughout the WEEK. If you struggle, that is okay, because it might be new. If you forget, that is okay, do it when you remember. If you mess up, that is ok, you are human, start again once you refocus. It is your life, your choice, your course, your path to be walked. Be present in the moment, breathe deep and start again. Create peace, stop the judgmental, harsh and punative war you wage with your mind and body in the moment.

As one of the wisest sages in the world offer us in terms of our words and wisdom as a focus:
Be the change you want to see in the world. Mahatma Gandhi

A ‘NO’ uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a ‘YES’ merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. Mahatma Gandhi

Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn’t have it in the beginning. Mahatma Gandhi

Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances. Mahatma Gandhi

ON A DAILY BASIS for the next week, AT LEAST 2X-4X a day:
1. Breathe deeply, evenly and gently, 4 counts in, imaging a cool wave gently washing over you,
2. Be present in your body, hold the full breathe for a moment
3. Exhale, 4 counts out, imaging the wave, now warm, gently rolling back, taking whatever stress (or tension, or pain, or anger…..) with it. Let it go, and hold empty, just floating gently
4. As you breathe in, Breathe deeply, evenly and gently, 4 counts in, imaging a cool wave gently washing over you, filling you with calmness and peace, and the resources you need
5. Be present in your body, hold the full breathe for a moment
6. Exhale, 4 counts out, imaging the wave, now warm, gently rolling back, taking whatever stress (or tension, or pain, or anger…..) with it. Let it go, and hold empty, just floating gently
7. As you breathe in, Breathe deeply, evenly and gently, 4 counts in, imaging a cool wave gently washing over you, filling you with calmness and peace, and the resources you need
8. Be present in your body, hold the full breathe for a moment
9. Exhale, 4 counts out, imaging the wave, now warm, gently rolling back, taking whatever stress (or tension, or pain, or anger…..) with it. Let it go, and hold empty, just floating gently
10. As you breathe in, Breathe deeply, evenly and gently, 4 counts in, imaging a cool wave gently washing over you, filling you with calmness and peace, and the resources you need

You can do this with your eyes closed, laying in your bed at night, upon wakening, in the shower, in line at a store, in a meeting……anywhere you may be. Focus, breathe, move the energy around your body. Change your breathing patterns, watch your thoughts, feed and nourish your body and soul. Create peace. Over time your brain activity will alter to this change in your patterns.

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
Mahatma Gandhi

So in closing, here is a thought:
I offer you peace. I offer you love.
I offer you friendship. I see your beauty. I hear your need.
I feel your feelings.
My wisdom flows from the Highest Source.
I salute that Source in you.
Let us work together for unity and love.
Mahatma Gandhi

Create focus and peace. Be willing to change your patterns, it is all within your hands (and your brain!) to create the life you want. k

Wednesday Challenge: What are we doing about BEING?

It would seem we, by nature of being human, are constantly caught up in thought, mired by worries, negative self-evaluations, seeing life through a fuzzy lens, and seeking few options. So do we by our nature repeat our patterns over and over and over, while we say we are “in recovery” or “trying to change”? We forget that while we are DOING, we are actually losing sight of BEING, and BEING present, understanding how this moment is an opportunity to create a change in our lives, a chance for moving off of the well-worn path to creating something that we keep saying we want. STOP, breathe, take a moment and get grounded, and BE you. No one else, just you. Honestly, with dignity and respect. Breathe in, and choose to let go of the fictions, the lies you tell yourself to try to make the pain “make sense” to you. The past is a reference point, you can use it as such to create a different present. Today, this moment is an opportunity to BE you, proudly, without excuse, and to live as more than you’ve ever done before. Step boldly towards creating something new. Create, renew, reorient, recover, move forward, accept, just be.

I’m not about “recovery”. To mean this implies returning to some previous state. Maybe this is just semenatics, but I am about creation, building, evolving and expanding. I actually think that as people work to heal and work in therapy, they are actually becoming more than they have ever been. Wiser, more thought-filled, more courageous and in-touch with their past and present, moving into their future. The process of growth evolves us, changes us, insulates us protectively, improves our vision. You are in-creation of finding your potential, owning your experiences, seeing the impact of your past on your present and in time to change your future road.

So what are you doing in this moment? If your response is “I’m in recovery” – good for you. If your response is “I’m changing this moment to be different from my past” – good for you too. Your vision, your choices, your words, your experience!

The question for Wednesday is “WHAT AM I DOING AS I MOVE THROUGH MY LIFE, AM I CREATING A PATH THAT I WANT TO BE ON?”

Recovery, or creation, or evolution – whatever you choose to call it, is yours in this moment and the next, and the next.

SOOOOO: For Wednesday, the challenge is to decide if you are in fact IN RECOVERY – or whatever term you want to use. HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN RECOVERY (evolving, growing, creating)? What is the data you use as feedback for yourself that you can use as INFORMATION about your choices, actions, thoughts, reactions, etc? Do you know what you are trying to create? Can you name it? Can you define it?

For 5 minutes on Wednesday, ground yourself by checking in HONESTLY with yourself:
1. What actions are you engaging in that move your towards your desired outcome?
2. What thoughts are you using to keep yourself in touch with reality, in line with your goals?
3. How are you demonstrating kindness, compassion, and support for yourself through this process?
4. What data are you using to keep your path on course?
5. What values are you using to guide yourself? Some of them include honesty, integrity, honor, dignity, respect, compassion, kindness.
6. Do you have a mantra you use to help you manage your thoughts and guide your actions like a map?

Below are some suggestions:
What is your psychological position?
A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.
Harry S. Truman

Are you able to be focused on your goal and move towards it even if it means doing something different?
When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.
Barbara J. Winter

Do you recognize unhealthy relationship patterns?
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. Authur Unknown
Actions are the seed of fate deeds grow into destiny.
Harry S. Truman

What data are you taking in? What information are you taking in? Are you missing opportunity?
When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

What data are you taking in? Are you paying attention to emotional intensity which limits our ability to think clearly?
Intense feeling too often obscures the truth.
Harry S. Truman

Change your thoughts and you change your world.
Norman Vincent Peale

Change can either challenge or threaten us. Your beliefs pave your way to success or block you. Marsha Sinetar

The secret of success is constancy of purpose. Benjamin Disraeli
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg. Abraham Lincoln

There is an objective reality out there, but we view it through the spectacles of our beliefs, attitudes, and values. David G. Myers

We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change. Henry Cloud

It is easier to be wise for others than for ourselves.
Francois De La Rochefoucauld

We think too small. Like the frog at the bottom of the well. He thinks the sky is only as big as the top of the well. If he surfaced, he would have an entirely different view. Mao TseTung

Most people spend more time and energy going around problems than in trying to solve them. Henry Ford

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. Victor Frankl

We would rather be ruined than changed;
We would rather die in our dread
Than climb the cross of the moment
And let our illusions die.
W.H. Auden

In the midst of winter, I found there was within me an invincible summer. Albert Careb

What is important is not that there are uncontrollable events in our lives, but how we respond to them. Hyram W. Smith

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. Ambrose Redmoon

Infuse your life with action. Don’t wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your own future. Make your own hope. Make your own love. And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from upon high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen… yourself, right now, right down here on Earth. Bradley Whitford

If you don’t have solid beliefs you cannot build a stable life. Beliefs are like the foundation of a building, and they are the foundation to build your life upon. Alfred A. Montapert

Being happy doesn’t mean everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decide to look beyond the imperfections. Author unknown

Always remember that the future comes one day at a time. Dean Acheson

Some succeed because they are destined to, but most succeed because they are determined to – Unknown

Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying … ‘I will try again tomorrow.’ – Lara Adio

I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe. Dalai Lama

People seldom see the halting and painful steps by which the most insignificant success is achieved. Anne Sullivan

We would accomplish many more things if we did not think of them as impossible. C. Malesherbes

Start by doing what’s necessary, then what’s possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible. Francis of Assisi

We can do anything we want to do if we stick to it long enough.
Helen Keller

The world we have created is a product of our thinking; it cannot be changed without changing our thinking. Albert Einstein

If you want to know your past look into your present conditions. If you want to know your future look into your present actions.
Buddhist Saying

One who fears failure limits his activities. Failure is only the opportunity more intelligently to begin again. Henry Ford

Our plans miscarry because they have no aim. When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind. Seneca

You must have long term goals to keep you from being frustrated by short term failures. Charles C. Noble

We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. Buddha

Destiny is not a matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: it is not to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved. William Jennings Bryan

Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it. Buddha

The self is not something that one finds. It’s something one creates.
Thomas Szasz

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact. William James

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest. Confucius

Nobody can bring you peace but yourself. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
Author unknown

Your past is a reference point; your present, a decision point; and your future, your decision. krj

Peace to you. You are more powerful than you know. Create the life you want, honor yourself, live with dignity today. Use your wisdom, strength and courage to stay true to your path. Peace, k

Wednesday Challenge: Herding Cats (or…pesky urges)

There are several metaphors I could use today to discuss this weeks’ challenge. The one that seems to fit best really is that old one that starts off with….’it’s like herding cats, one goes here, one goes there, and ya know, cats ain’t too good at doing what you want them to do, they got their own mind about things..’, which is a great metaphor for urges and impulses that we seem to fight.

It would seem that urges or impulses are random. The truth is, they really aren’t. Think about the pattern that exists around them. When do you tend to experience that press to be self-destructive? Seriously, think on that question. Most of the people I know would respond that they tend to ‘randomly’ feel self-destructive when:
1. They feel overwhelmed
2. They feel too quiet, unstimulated, restless, numb
3. They are lonely, isolated
4. They are trying to express something that words alone can’t seem to communicate
5. When they are trying to avoid something.

Urges, like triggers, not only seem random, but they seem to out of our control. They seem to provoke us into some sort of responding. NOW WAIT A MINUTE HERE, please don’ accept those last two statements as FACTS – they are emotional logic, which by now, I hope recognize that emotional logic is actually DISLOGIC and that feelings (while valid) are NEVER to be confused for, or taken as FACT. Feelings just are, they just exist, they are cues that something important is going on. Feelings don’t have to be specific, and you can experience more than one at a time – AND YOU CAN SURVIVE IT! You don’t even have to be able to identify the feeling or feelings either. Just acknowledging that you are having an experience may be enough. Seriously. One doesn’t need to get mired in quicksand to recognize that it is in fact, quicksand. Recognizing that the emotions exist, and that they have a beginning, middle and an end, is…………VALIDATION of your own experience. Honestly, recognizing the cat and letting it be a cat, is the best way to have a relationship WITH A CAT. Forcing it to be a horse, or an elephant, or a TRAINED CAT for that matter, makes you all miserable.

Remember that feelings have a beginning, middle and an end, and the middle often SUCKS. That is the part that you need to problem-solve and manage your way through. Sitting through and managing the sucky middle part is indeed time limited if you are problem-solving, practicing coping, and spending the time moving through it being healthy. Your decisions and actions will define how long and how sucky that middle part might be. But, back to herding cats.

When your thoughts and feelings are running off in different directions, and you are feeling the frustration of all those experiences, you are indeed attempting to herd cats. There’s a reason that cat herding isn’t an olympic sport, although those who participate in recovery and effort at thriving in their lives should really be considered professional athletes. Why you ask? Because it is a life encompassing commitment to a practice, a discipline, and a focus. Managing to do what FEELS impossible, but because of skills, mindset and practice, they master this difficult task as they move through the obstacle course that is their life, towards the end of this round of performance.

I wonder what the team logo would be for a cat herderer (is that a new word?)? Well, each of us has the option of being a cat herder each day, wrangling our urges and keeping them in their place as we problem solve our way through the challenges we face. I’m not saying it is that easy, nothing is THAT easy. But just because it is a challenge or is difficult, you may even mess up. OKAY, so you mess up!!! Get up, get grounded, get focused, set a goal for yourself, and then practice your coping skills through the self-destructive thoughts and urges.

Often times we dwell on the past, the past failures, hurts, losses and disappointments. Do you allow yourself to grieve in a healthy way? Do you nuture and support yourself, care for yourself as you would a good friend? If you don’t, how is that helpful to you (don’t get me started on the ‘I don’t deserve it’ because that is dislogic and will never ever help you heal or move from that pain, but I digress)?

SOOOOOO……………fellow cat wranglers……..here is your challenge for Wednesday. Try it at least ONCE during the day:
1. Recognize when your feelings and thoughts are going in different directions. That could be termed ambivalence, and is actually a normal experience in human beings. JUST NOTICE THE EXPERIENCE.
2. Ask yourself what is it that the feelings are indicating. Are the feelings BIG or small? Are they intense or not? Are you frustrated, angry, sad, scared or anxious? SERIOUSLY – you may not know what the feeling state is, and that doesn’t even matter. Whatever the experience, remember your feelings are data that tell you something important is going on and to PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR WORLD BY GETTING INTO YOUR HEAD AND GATHERING DATA.
3. Get into your data-gathering mode. Look at the world around you, what is going on? Is something important happening? Are you adequately nourished so that your brain can pick up information adequately and accurately? Are you keeping yourself safe, healthy, connected and whole? Are you respecting your body and mind?
4. In your data-gathering mode are you recognizing your reactions to the current situation or with other people around you? Are you using data accurately to keep yourself safe with appropriate boundaries and limits in relationships? Are you having healthy interactions with others? If not, time to move the herd out.
5. What are those urges indicating? Are you overwhelmed, under-whelmed, trying to connect, communicate or trying to avoid something? Would the self-destructive behaviors be in response to those functions? IF SO – then time to change direction and problem-sovle your way around them, and COPE and MANAGE your way through them until they subside. The goal is not to avoid experiencing feelings, but to cope, manage, and live your life through the experience. Like the weather, or todays big gossip event, I promise, they will pass.

So fellow cat herders, hear our meow (now I’m getting cheesy huh?), tomorrow, just recognize the different pulls of your thoughts and emotions, and manage your way through the experience. Just for tomorrow, just for a minute, change your course. You decide how you live your life, how you respond to your urges, and how/if you react to provocative things. YOU DECIDE your own thoughts, reactions and actions. YOU OWN THAT. Your decision. Your choice. Your life.

Good luck. Tomorrow I hope you create moments of success for yourself in managing your way through. Create peace, k

A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties. Harry S. Truman

The world we have created is a product of our thinking; it cannot be changed without changing our thinking. Albert Einstein

One’s philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes. In the long run, we shape our lives and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And, the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.
Eleanor Roosevelt

The great thing in this world is not so much where we are,
but in what direction we are moving.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers

Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. Confucius

Wednesday Challenge: Avoiding Avoidance

Well here we are, daily facing daily challenges, events, moments, interactions, relationships, demands or whatever we face daily. Now, before you groan or have other strong reactions and get back under your covers, take a deep breath. And another. Open your eyes and ground yourself.

A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.
Harry S. Truman

Don’t let what you can’t do interfere with what you can do.
Anonymous

Very often people talk about their lives as though they are surprised or confused about the fact that they have reactions to things in their lives. Then they are surprised that they have reactions or feelings. It is as though the goal somehow has come to be about AVOIDING. Yup, that cleanly delineated. Avoiding demands, avoiding challenges, avoiding hard things, avoiding people, avoiding interactions with people, avoiding being in ones own company, avoiding feelings, thoughts, and in general closing off the world and escaping to ones inner world (which often involves the internet ironically).

The world we have created is a product of our thinking; it cannot be changed without changing our thinking. Albert Einstein

It truly ISN’T safer to live like this, avoiding real life and real life demands. I think what helps is perspective. Seriously, on a scale of 1 to 100, how much challenge is this demand? Ask yourself that question? Some things in daily life are mundane, relatively easy to face. But if everytime we perceive that we have a challenge we respond to it as though it were at the top end (near 100), that would be pretty exhausting. So a fair question might be, are we sometimes overestimating the difficulty of challenges AND UNDERESTIMATING OUR CAPABILITY TO MEET THOSE CHALLENGES!

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. William James

Somehow, in our heads, we close the outside world away, and live within a narrow world where we don’t take in new information, and rely instead on past memories, playing them over and over like they were the present. We call that merging the past into the present. Additionally, we use feelings as though they are fact. So our internal intensity is often tweaked, which tends to set the whole damn cycle into motion, leading to negative self-talk, urges, negative emotional turmoil, flooding of affect, negative thoughts…………………….. and then ultimately…….the urge to be self-destructive or do what you do to get that moment past. BUT in using self-destructive behaviors, you’ve avoided the real cue that started the whole cycle.

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
Author unknown

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Intense feeling too often obscures the truth.
Harry S. Truman

It is a fair question to ask you if you are facing something in your life that is difficult, hard or challenging. On a scale of 1 – 100, are you facing something difficult? OK. The next fair question is what are the alternatives in addressing and RESOLVING that challenge? Are you willing to directly address that challenge using healthy behaviors?

The self is not something that one finds. It’s something one creates. Thomas Szasz

NOW for the really tough, but fair, question – what about the internal emotional intensity? Is it uncomfortable or difficult to tolerate? If your answer is no – then do what you need to do to resolve the challenge in a healthy way. But , if your answer is YES – the those internal feelings are data, they are CUES that something important is going on, and instead of engaging in all those negative cycles and patterns and avoiding coping, GET INTO YOUR HEAD and think your way through the challenge or demand.

If we did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves.
Thomas Edison

When you automatically jump to self-destructive thinking and actions, you are avoiding opportunities to cope. You end up thinking you are avoiding the hard part, but you actually end up avoiding moving through something that you probably are more than able to manage. The avoidance you might engage in actually causes you more angst, grief, worry, depression, hopelessness, frustration, etc. The avoidance may actually contribute to your negative self-description and negative self-view.

Hey, I’m not saying that people are often very encouraging of your changes. In fact, one way to gage the health of a relationship is to see if people challenge you to remain unhealthy or if they celebrate your efforts at managing your life. Seriously, observe those patterns! They may be very eye opening.

So for one minute (maybe two, maybe three….) are you willing to consider:
1. Acknowledging that avoidance of management doesn’t give you the outcome you want for yourself?
2. Are you willing to look a challenge (any challenge) in the eye, and talk your way through managing it?
3. While you are looking said challenge in the eye, are you willing to acknowledge you may have some feelings about it, AND MAKE A DECISION TO ACT in a way that is helpful, healthy and responsible?
4. AND, while you are doing those things, are you willing to tolerate your emotions, use them as data, and get into your head while making your decision?
5. AND, even while your are tolerating those emotions, are you willing to be kind and respectful to yourself, maybe even acting with dignity and self-respect?

I encourage you to acknowledge and accept that you are more capable than you often give yourself credit for being. You are stronger and more powerful than you know. When you live in that closed existence that doesn’t allow you to connect with the world in a way that allows you to take care of yourself in healthy ways, your avoidance maintains a very self-destructive and negative existence.

Change your day tomorrow, one moment at a time. Give yourself credit that you CAN FIGURE IT OUT.

Meet those challenges and say “HA! YOU DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE DEALING WITH TODAY!” Acknowledge your capacities. You are more powerful than you know. Create peace. k

Like water, be gentle and strong. Be gentle enough to follow the natural paths of the earth, and strong enough to rise up and reshape the world. Brenda Peterson

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